Humorous Tales of Missing Pirate Booty

Procrastinating Pirates and the Good Ship MuddyUm

How to win big prizes and impress your friends

I am over the bow pleased to announce that in spite of or perhaps due to some mysterious criteria, I have been invited to join a secret online club and I am now an official Pirate!

They said I can compete for prizes and fame and gory. I think they meant glory, but I’ll let you know more as the ship sails.

Due to the grumblings among the Pirates about some big contest that they all thought they should have won but didn’t, the leader of the pack of Pirates, Susan Brearley, who is the Mother Ducking Fearless Leader of the Good Ship Muddyums, announced another contest and generously offered up a big cash reward to the winner!

Unfortunately, I’ve lost the link to the contest. I need to look up the prompt again. Meanwhile, the other Muddyums are very funny people and some of them write humorous stories as well.

I’m not sure why they are called Muddyums. Perhaps it’s short for Muddygums. Maybe if the Pirates had organized and found a way to work together they would have gotten better dental plans. I’m just saying.

I do want to take this opportunity to thank our Pirate Leader for giving me the thumbs up to join her ranks. Maybe I shouldn’t have said, thumbs up.

My first mistake was asking if they had a secret handshake. Then I remembered pirates and Captain Hook. It’s probably best to skip the handshake.

I bet you want to know if I’m getting a pirate hat or a pirate bird.

Unfortunately, I don't look good in hats and I’m not thrilled with the idea of a bird sitting on my shoulder making bird poo all day. If I need a pirate animal, I will most likely get a kangaroo.

Look, I’m on a boat, or ship, or whatever, with a bunch of pirates and sometimes we might not agree. It’s your little doodoo bird against my kickbutt kangaroo. I have no idea why all pirates don’t have kangaroos.

Again, I would like to say thank you for having me on board. Since we are all virtual, I can’t bring donuts, or send balloons, or decorate the office.

So, this is my way of thanking everyone who didn’t vote against me.

Plus, my grandfather was a fisherman, and even though I don’t know anything about pirates, I love Peter Pan, and I think my grandfather would be very proud of me.

Speaking of Peter Pan, I waited for years for him to show up at my window. I would have gone to Neverland with him in a heartbeat. I would have changed my name to Wendy for him.

Alas, he never came for me, even though I left my window unlocked all those years. But, then I read that he returned for Wendy and found that she had gotten old, so he took off with her granddaughter instead!

Am I the only one who thinks this is a little bit weird and uncomfortable?

Speaking of weird, I’m still looking for that link and I can’t find it. I think the prompt had to do with laziness or procrastination, so I’m mentioning them here just in case.

Insert missing link for the contest here.

Speaking of missed opportunities, there’s a crocodile in the story of Peter Pan who has swallowed a watch along with Capt. Hook’s hand. It’s been years, but the darn thing is still ticking.

I think there’s a watch company whose tagline is: takes a licking and still keeps ticking. How have they not tracked down this animal? This is a major missed product promotional opportunity.

Anyway, I want to thank Susan Brearley for making me a Pirate. It’s been unexpectedly inspirational and enchanting. And since that whole distasteful situation with Peter Pan, I’m feeling much more aligned with pirates these days.

Listen, if anyone finds the damn link to that contest, please send it to me so I can share it with other Pirate-wannabees. There were big prizes, big enough to buy a big bag of Pirate Booty.

You know what, never mind about the link. I never got around to entering the first big contest, and I’m probably too late for this one. Ah, this is the life, no worries, it’s good to be a Pirate!

If you really want to show some appreciation, because honestly, the pirate remuneration has been slow in coming lately, you can chip in to buy me a bottle of grog. https://ko-fi.com/susanbostian

Arggg! Thanks be to you mateys! Be safe out there on the high seas!

Oh, sure. Now the link shows up. Thanks a lot, Holly J See! Not!

Well, I’m not rewriting this whole damn story now! If you want to enter and compete against me, go ahead, Matey! Just remember, I’ve got a kangaroo!