Adventures in Medium

Medium Sells Out and Gets Boosted

Medium introduces a range of spin-offs to increase profits

With subscriptions and revenues down, Medium Corp has been quick to make up the shortfall with a range of official products for all fans of the writing platform.

Medium Candy

Everyone’s got a sweet tooth, so Medium has developed a new candy to sell to all its writers.

One 2-gram boiled sweet will give you enough energy and bad feeling to write over a hundred pieces on any rant, injustice, or wrongdoing you choose.

No longer will you give up after half an hour of watching CNN. Now you’ll be able to go face to face with your demons and write what’s in your head.

Price: $800 for a pack of five.

Medium The Movie

Developed in collaboration with George Lucas at Star Wars. Medium The Movie will be entirely shot in space. This guarantees that the characters will remain completely two-dimensional, and will have as little dialogue as possible.

Plot and storyline will be limited, leaving the majority of the movie to focus on endless panoramic views of deep space, with additional footage provided by Unsplash of people looking at The Moon.

The movie will go on general release this summer, and is hoped will create a vibe similar to that of 2001: A Space Odyssey. With ChatGPT playing the part of the psychotic computer HAL.

Price: $20. Or $80 for a party of five — if you have that many friends.

Medium T-Shirts

Every idiot loves wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with a stupid logo. And Medium readers are no different. Which is why The Writing Cooperative in association with Canva and Doctor Funny as come up with a list of half witty slogans to print on a T-shirt of your choice.

Each garment has specially designed sweat pockets under the armpits to absorb excess perspiration while you’re waiting for your piece to be boosted.

All come with a lifetime guarantee against wear and tear, which is unnecessary as most writers never go outside.

Furthermore, every T-shirt as an additional design on the back so that when you do venture out into the real world, people will know exactly what to do.

Price: $50, or 3 sweatshop workers lives.

Medium Food

With the topic Food having over 400,000 followers on Medium, it would be a dereliction of duty to not have a range of pasta products and sauces on offer.

In cooperation with Globetrotters, Medium chefs have developed a mouth-watering array of Italian dishes from ideas sent in by writers.

Here’s a selection.

Street Spaghetti — Gristly piece of rancid pork sausage cooked in a weak, tasteless tomato sauce, laid on a bed of under-cooked cheap spaghetti served with box-quality wine. Mmmm!!

Baked Macaroni — Everyone loves macaroni. So why not join in the fun, with this impossibly thick and dense cheese sauce, hard-baked with macaroni tubes, so that you’ll never want to eat anything ever again.

Lazy Meat Vegan Lasagne — For the health conscious, and paranoid, Lazy Meat Vegan Lasagne, incorporates all the traits of centuries of Italian cooking with the fussiness of a 21st century diet.

Sheets of egg-free pasta layered with a minute amount of vegan mince and tomato purée, dusted with glucose-syrup cheese, makes an enjoyable meal for no-one in the family, and is suitable for animal consumption only — if they want it.

Medium-style Tiramisu — This dessert comes with a range of short stories, just long and boring enough for you to read while you enjoy your Italian trifle.

After you’ve finished, and as the stories are printed on tissue paper, you can use them to clean your hands with. And then simply throw them in the bin.

Price: From $5 to $3000

Medium Beer

No rip-off commercial spin-off is complete without an Official Beer. So to complete the smorgasbord of endorsed products, Medium introduces

Draft Beer!

After each draft of a piece, Medium recommends, a bottle of Draft. A mid-strength blond beer infused with doubt and hopelessness to give every writer a sense that they’re not good enough.

After a few bottles, writers will begin to have the sensation that whatever they write is garbage. Luckily, when they are about to give up all together, they fall over and pass out.

On waking, they wonder what all the fuss is about, and continue where they left off, which was at the point where they were about to write

All Hope is Lost

Price: case of 24 Draft Beer $10. Or free with a ten-year Medium subscription pass (coming soon!)

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