SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Me before We

Day 21, 50 questions for deep self-reflection

This is day 21 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.

DAY TWENTY-ONE: What is the difference between compromising in a relationship and self abandoning for a relationship?

Ouch, right in the feels

I’m not going to flap around on the surface of this one. I’m going straight for the depths. To me, the difference between compromising in a relationship, and self abandoning for a relationship is in standards, boundaries, expectations, and around energetic resonance.

I abandoned myself in a relationship for 13 years. My existence in that relationship was to make him happy. But the thing is, he never asked for that. Yes, he attracted it, just as I attracted somebody who needed that. But he wasn’t the narcissist that taught me to be a people-pleaser. No, I entered that relationship already a fully fleshed-out people-pleaser who was unable to put themselves first.

We both settled (I’ve said that before) and throughout our entire relationship of 13 years, it was simply about neither of us believing we could do any better. That’s not the way to be in a relationship.

Now the thing is, I’ve never been in a relationship where I didn’t self abandon. I’ve been single for going on 13 years now (the same amount of time I was in my last relationship) because I’ve been working on myself. I wasn’t ready to attract anyone who was at the same energetic resonance as myself, because I needed to get myself to a certain level, to do a certain amount of work, before I could allow myself to attract someone that reflected me. Basically, I had to get to a place where I loved myself enough to allow somebody else to love me. I also knew that I would attract someone who was a reflection. So, I had to get to a point where I loved myself enough to love the other person.

I can’t really speak to compromising in a romantic relationship, but I can in the way of friendships, because I have some very long-standing friendships. Those are friendships in which we’ve grown together instead of apart. We’ve learned about ourselves and championed each other. These are not relationships where either one of us had to ‘put in the work’ for the relationship. They’re relationships in which we both put in the work for ourselves and therefore, build a better relationship. I imagine that when I do attract that romantic relationship (which I know is not far away anymore), I think it will be the same. We will grow together.

Compromising in a relationship is about compromising on the stuff that ultimately, doesn’t matter. I feel that in a strong relationship, there’s no need for compromise with the stuff that does matter — things like boundaries, expectations, and growth, because they are established in understanding and respect of self. I feel the ideal relationship is built on unconditional love, and though we’re humans and unconditional love is almost out of reach because of everything we’ve learned, it’s so much closer once we’ve experienced a level of growth, connected with self, and learned to love self.

I’ll never enter into another relationship where I place the other person above me because ‘I don’t think I’m worthy’. In my next relationship, we will be equals in that, we will both enter knowing that we’re worthy. And we’ll grow together.

Bring it on.

If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:

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