Manosphere Influencers Want You To Eat Raw Testicles To Increase Testosterone
Does it work, or is this trend, um…nuts?
Once upon a medieval time, religious leaders would dictate what men ate. Fast on these days. Don't eat that delicious pig. Eat fish on Fridays. And give the womenfolk only the scraps.
Now, religion has far less sway in our burgeoning secular society.
Instead, the Rogans, Petersons, and Tates are the new messiahs. And the messiahs want you crazy kids to eat your bull balls…raw.
One influencer who calls himself the "Liver King" ate raw testicles on an IG video to get the squeamish neckbeards on board. He explains;
“Traditional peoples and early ancestral healers believed that eating the organs from a healthy animal would strengthen and support the health of the corresponding organ of the individual — also known as “like supports like.”
He is correct. (At least about the “ancestral” part.) This "like supports like" theory is an ancient medicinal theory called the doctrine of signatures — the belief that eating plants and animals resembling a human body part would cure that body part.
For example, ancient physicians prescribed walnuts for head injuries because walnuts look like tiny brains. They prescribed the plant lungwort to treat lung infections because its petals looked like lungs. They prescribed birthwort to pregnant women because its flowers looked like a uterus. And when Catherine de Medici and Henri II had trouble conceiving, his doctors fed him bull balls because bulls are virile creatures. Yum.
Of course, none of these cures worked, and many, such as birthwort, were carcinogenic and caused kidney damage.
Clearly, the "like supports like" has some squirrelly syllogistic logic. But why stop with testicles? By that reasoning, women wishing for slender thighs should eat baby giraffes, and bald men wishing for more hair should dine on Afghan hounds.
Jealous of this dogs flowing locks? Eat him raw!*
And then there are testicles. Will eating bull balls make you a raging bull in bed?
To be fair, there are many nutritional benefits to cooked testicle meat. Cooked bull testicles or Rocky Mountain Oysters are packed with zinc, selenium, iron, and B vitamins — critical components in a healthy sex drive.
But while cooked organ meats can pack a nutritional wallop, eating meat raw has scientists collectively clutching their stomachs and pondering if humanity is headed toward de-evolution.
They have a right to be concerned. Eating raw meat — the "carnivore" diet — is the latest nutritional trend claiming to put more hair on men's chests. The thinking goes that eating like a prehistoric savage increases manly energy levels and decreases bloating.
Oh, and it's wrapped up in the usual conspiracy theory nonsense. Carnivore diet influencers claim the government doesn't want men to know these dietary secrets.
Because you know…our government prefers men to be flabby and flatulent. So shhhhhhh…please don’t share this article. I work for the anti-health government. And I want to keep men in an estrogen-laden haze, wearing down their molars with laborious chewing and not thinking too hard. (Insert evil cackle.)
Unfortunately, the raw meat eaters are not some fringe group of manosphere influencers. Currently, the hashtag #carnivorediet has over 475 million views on TikTok. Ostensibly, cooking your food is now for girly men.
I mean…come on, Roganites. Fire is one of our better discoveries. How else are you going to keep the misses in the kitchen?
And let's not forget…when humans first invented cooking, it forever changed our bodies. Cooking made more foods digestible and allowed us to spend less time chewing. As a result, our teeth got smaller and our intestines shorter.
Many anthropologists have theorized that our shorter intestines led to increased brain sizes. Most species cannot have large intestines AND large brains because both are huge energy consumers. So when our intestines got shorter, our brains got larger.
Or at least some of our brains got larger.
More importantly, cooking reduced microbes that lit prehistoric human butts on fire (and, in many cases, killed them.) The biggest problem with eating raw organ meat is getting some very raw bacteria in the bargain — Salmonella, Clostridium perfringens, E. coli, Listeria monocytogenes, and Campylobacter.
And then there are parasites. There's nothing sexy about whipworm squirming out of your butt hole. (Not a personal reference!)
But while I fear many Roganites will risk parasites to get a six-pack, there isn't a shred of evidence that raw testicle meat will increase testosterone.
Now before the trolls start throwing rotten goat balls at me, let's take a moment to replace bro science with some basic biology…
Testosterone is produced when the hypothalamus releases gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH). The hypothalamus then triggers the pituitary gland to release luteinizing hormone (LH). Next, LH travels to the testes to stimulate the production and release of testosterone.
In other words, the testes produce testosterone. They do not store testosterone.
If testicles were magical testosterone containers, doctors would test testosterone levels by taking a sample from the testes. But they don't. Low testosterone is typically tested through a blood test because testosterone circulates throughout the body.
So if testosterone circulates, how does one isolate testosterone and turn it into a tasty snack? Glad you asked. Currently, there are FDA-approved testosterone pills on the market. So for the love of flambéed ball sacs…if you have low T, please turn off TikTok and call your doctor.
Better yet, here's a question the testicle eaters should be chewing on. Which guy is signaling less fragile masculinity— the guy so desperate to increase his virility that he will lick sweaty raw gonads or the guy eating a delicately seared sirloin with a side of buttered mashed potatoes?
I am placing my bets on the omnivore guy over Hannibal Lecter. Follow that epicurean genius on TikTok and watch the babes come running…
Or we could just let natural selection settle this debate. The man who cooked his meat passed on his genes. The other guy died from dysentery.
In time, science manages to weed out the undesirables.
Let's place our trust in science.
*The legal department wants me to remind you that I do not endorse eating puppies or giraffes…especially raw.