Making Sex A Priority
Get down and play together.
Show me a body that gets no love And I’ll show you a body that’s way messed up ~ From Bed by Semisonic
I grew up on the shores of Lake Huron where my dad enjoyed sailing a small Hobie Cat boat he’d named Priority #2. Even though I was an intensely curious child, I never thought to ask what a priority was or why you’d have more than one of them.
One day, I overheard one of my dad’s friends asking him what priority number #1 was. A sheepish grin crept across my dad’s face. His friend’s eyes lit up and he laughed out loud.
I had no idea why.
It wasn’t until my teenage years when I discovered the joys of making out with a guy that it dawned on me what priority #1 must be. At the time, I shuddered at the thought of my parents having sex.
Ick.
Now at age 55, I chuckle at my dad’s humor. And after spending years in a sexless marriage I wish my ex had made it a priority too. It didn’t have to be priority #1. I’d have been happy if sex made his top 5.
Heck, I’d have been pleased as punch if it’d been on his list at all.
I’ve read many stories and have a few friends who’ve confided in me about their sexless marriages. I know what it’s like and it hurts to hear their stories.
We want to honor our vows of monogamy but it can be frustrating and painful. We’re working to build a relationship with our spouses on every level. We love them and sex is a physical way to express our love. We want to know our spouses intimately — mind, soul, and body. We want sex with them and no one else.
That’s what we signed up for when we got married and committed our lives to them. We want to remain within the framework and comfort of monogamy.
So what are we to do when the only person we can and want to have sex with keeps refusing? When they dismiss us and our desires or continually say not now or not interested? When they put us off with a later or after I watch SNL but later never happens and SNL rolls into the next TV show?
Their refusal puts those of us who want sex and connection with the one we love in a holding pattern that never lands. The longing for human touch becomes a craving that eats away at us. It puts us in a precarious spot and in a state of deprivation.
Because here’s the thing. Many of us don’t just want sex. We need it.
At times our spouses may want to engage in activities that don’t interest us. When we’re not interested in playing golf, attending a jazz concert, or going on a rock climbing adventure, we encourage our spouses to find a friend to join them instead. We outsource a companion.
But we can’t do this with sex. If we want to honor our commitment to them and to our relationship, outsourcing sex isn’t an option. I may be able to play pickleball with some male friends but the line gets drawn at playing with their pickles and balls. That’s just not going to fly. That kind of stuff can’t happen within the structure of monogamous marriage.
But after years without sex, resentment and frustration build. This puts the one who wants sex in a pickle. The need for human touch and affection becomes so high that it’s hard to resist when temptation knocks on our door. When the one we want is cold to our advances it’s challenging to resist someone who’s warm and willing.
This then becomes a reason why we may have an affair. We’re outsourcing sex.
I’m not saying it’s okay, especially when both partners signed up for monogamy and aren’t interested in changing that. I’m just trying to put some context around why this may happen. To deny your spouse affection and sex when you’re the only person they can and want to have it with isn’t nice.
It’s hurtful.
At times, we may not feel like having sex. I get that.
But when you think about it, how often do we do things we don’t really feel like doing, then end up enjoying the experience? How many times have we played Candyland with our kids when we didn’t feel like it?
Like a million times. Seriously. That game is truly annoying.
But since building a relationship and spending time with our kids is a priority, we do it anyway. We sit on the floor and play. Once again, we make our way through the Candy Cane Forest and up Gum Drop Mountain until we reach the Candy Castle.
And you know what? Nine times out of ten we end up having fun after all. We connect. We bond. We giggle. This simple act of playing a game with our kids demonstrates that our relationship with them and their needs matter to us.
The same goes for sex. Try it. Get on the floor and play. Spend some time getting to know his candy cane and take a trip up her gumdrop mountains. Reach that splendid candy castle together.
You’ll connect. You’ll bond. You may even giggle.
If sex matters to your spouse, start making it a priority. It doesn’t have to be priority #1. I’m fairly certain anywhere in the top 10 will suffice.
kasey sparks, © 2022
Thank you for reading. To quote Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.” If you’d like to join me on the journey, click here.
Like this story? Here’s another one from kasey…