Magic Remote, Take Me Away, I Am Ready

Summary

Charles Roast expresses a strong desire to fast-forward six months using a "magic remote" to bypass current life challenges, including divorce proceedings, pandemic concerns, educational disruptions for his children, lack of physical intimacy, and political distress.

Abstract

In a candid and humorous article, Charles Roast reveals his eagerness to skip over a particularly challenging period in his life using a hypothetical "magic remote." He reflects on the grueling six-month waiting period for his divorce to finalize, which aligns with the time frame he believes he could happily bypass. Roast shares his fears about the pandemic's impact on his vulnerable children, his concerns about their education, and his longing for physical touch. He also expresses his frustration with the current political climate and the desire to see the end of the Trump presidency. Roast tags five followers to share their own thoughts on what they would do with such a remote, emphasizing the importance of mental health and the value of humor in coping with difficult times.

Opinions

Roast would gladly use a magic remote to fast-forward six months to avoid the hardships he is currently facing.
He views the six-month divorce finalization period in California as an unnecessary valley to walk through when he could be enjoying the view from the metaphorical mountaintop.
The pandemic has significantly limited Roast's lifestyle options, and he is particularly concerned about the health of his children.
Roast's older son's trade school education has been disrupted by the pandemic, requiring practical hours that are difficult to obtain online.
The author feels a strong need for physical intimacy after a prolonged period of celibacy and is looking forward to the freedom to pursue relationships post-divorce.
He is politically opposed to the current president and is eager for the upcoming election to conclude.
Roast believes that the next six months would feel like a lifetime and that using the remote would be a "saving grace."
He tags five followers to engage them in the discussion and to encourage quieter voices in the writing community to share their perspectives.
Roast uses humor as a coping mechanism and hopes to lighten the mood of his readers.
He sees the act of tagging other writers as a way to foster a more inclusive writing community on Medium.
Despite the challenges, Roast remains optimistic and encourages engagement and dialogue through his writing.

If I had that magic remote, I would use it immediately.

Thanks, Joe Luca. You’ve given me the mechanism to get through the next six months of my life, hopefully alive and well. No funny here. Also, no pity or feeling sorry for Chuck Roast. He’s a survivor.

The short answer is, yes, I would use it. I’ve lived through enough rough patches in my life that I don’t need to walk the valley to enjoy the view. Teleport me up there, and I’ll still enjoy the view as much, if not more, than if I had to walk up to see it. And, I’d wouldn’t have to spend 6 months losing my soul, then another six months catching my breath.

In California, once you file a certain type of paperwork in a divorce, you have to wait six months for it to be finalized. Coincidence that Joe’s Magic Remote can move me ahead six months? I think not. More like serendipity doo-da!

This summer will probably be pretty, well, hell-ish. Thanks for asking, yes, I’ll be glad to tell you why.

Divorce: The sooner those six months fly by, the better.

Pandemic: This is really gonna screw with me. I am deathly afraid my vulnerable kids are going to get it. As much as I would love to go to the beach, the pool, hiking, and travel, it’s not gonna happen. Well, maybe the beach, but we will stay well away from others. That damn virus is still out there and needs to DIE, DAMMIT! Look at Florida and some other states, including California. Since “re-opening” virus numbers have spiked. No thanks.

School: My older son’s trade school has gone online, but he needs to do practical work as well to get his state certification. Fortunately, he is still getting his hours by working full-time, but he needs the classroom practical hours as well. My younger son spent the second half of 8th grade at home with modified learning. We’re not sure at this point whether his new high school journey will start at the school, or online. If he has to stay home while I work, well, let’s just say I’m gonna have to take an x-box to work with me every day because there is nowhere to hide it at home.

Physical Touch: I say this with all due respect, but after what I have been through for the last 87 years (at least that’s what it feels like), I need to feel the warm, soft, and willing body of a naked woman in my arms. There, I said it. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful (pop culture reference). Six months from now, I’ll start making that happen. It’ll probably take me a while to figure out “how” to make that happen, but happen it will. More likely, I’ll have to fight ’em off, or start taking resumes.

But getting through the next six months will feel like a lifetime. So, Joe, if you could send me that remote, I’d really like to skip the next six months, please. There are some beautiful, sexy women out there, just waiting for Chuck to be free to pleasure them. Because as long as I am married, I won’t cross that line.

Election: I can’t stand to listen to that idiot of a president we have a moment longer. As I write this, he is trying to oust the SDNY USA and replace him with another rich sycophant who will cease legitimate investigations into Trump friends and supporters. In six months, the election will be over, and I’ll look forward to celebrating the demise of the Emperor with No Brain. But I won’t have to go through all the crap that will be slung in the meantime.

There are other reasons for jumping ahead. Don’t want to bore you guys. I know. . .like THAT’S gonna happen reading my articles!

Bottom line is this: six months right now is a lifetime. I won’t be missing much by getting teleported 6 months ahead. Yes, at my age, six months is too much time to waste. But for me, that won’t be a waste, that will be a saving grace. Plus, I’ll still be the same age, thirty-nine. . .

Now, I am going to tag 5 random followers to write what they would do if given a remote that could jump you 6 months ahead. Please don’t be offended. I’d really like to hear what you have to say. The story below will help explain why I am tagging you. Don’t forget to tag me, Charles Roast, and Joe Luca.

Mental Health is more important today than ever. If you are feeling down, reach out and talk with someone. I hope you got a laugh out of this, and it helped lighten your mood.

Chuck Roast is a writer, author, word generator, hack, scribbler, literary genius, penman, scribe, litterateur, poet in residence (my house), satirist, and humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for Medium and the publication Illumination, among others, a Top Writer in Satire and Humor, owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media.

He was recently curated for the first time, in Poetry, for his poetic story, Remember the Founders and Their Reasons. He has also been twice published in The Good Men Project.

Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Comments are always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Write On! Write well, write good, and write enough!

Please comment! I’d love to hear from you!

Magic Remote, Take Me Away, I Am Ready

If I had that magic remote, I would use it immediately.

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