Lose This Toxic “Crab” Mindset For Better Relationships
Real friends elevate their peers — fake friends drag them down.
Have you heard of the term “crabs in a bucket?”
“Crab mentality, also known as crabs in a bucket…is a way of thinking best described by the phrase “if I can’t have it, neither can you”.
— Wikipedia definition.
The metaphor is derived from a behavioral pattern seen in crabs when they are trapped in a container.
When one crab tries to escape, the other crabs will swarm it. Grasping, pinching, and pulling the crowd prevents the singular crab from ever reaching its goal.
Ha-ha. Dumb, pea-brained crabs, right? It makes no sense for them to do that. Pulling their peers down only ensures everyone stays in the same shitty situation — destined for a cooking pot.
Well, don’t be so quick to laugh. The same mindlessly destructive behavior can also be observed in humans.
Here’s a great example from my personal life.
I am a martial artist. For a long time, training at another gym aside from your own was almost taboo. It was certainly heavily frowned upon.
People would be dissuaded from cross-training on the pretext of loyalty or that we might reveal “secret techniques” to members of a rival gym.
The usual deterrent was passive-aggressive online comments. Think less sophisticated cult and more sulky high-school drama.
I received the same treatment when I started working out at another club who’s evening classes better suited my hectic schedule.
In my opinion, being exposed to a plethora of different styles only serves to broaden one’s knowledge. It makes you a better martial artist.
Heck, training in different clubs even made me a better entrepreneur!
Because of the new ideas I was exposed to, and the new friends I made, I was able to start my own company with only $1000 and run it solely using my iPhone.
And that’s when I noticed something strange — the same people who were making were opposed to cross-training were also disparaging martial arts entrepreneurs such as myself.
It began to dawn on me that these people didn’t dislike me — they disliked the fact that people could find success doing something they perceive as out of the ordinary.
I was the proverbial escaping crab, and the crowd was hot on my tail, pincers furiously snapping.
Why Do Some People Want Others To Fail?
By demonizing on the success of others, they inadvertently stifle their own. For who wants to be that which they hate?
For the longest time, I was perplexed.
I kept asking myself, why do some people want others to fail?
Is it because of jealousy? Resentment? Hyper-competitiveness turned sour?
I eventually discovered that while some of these feelings may be involved, the truth is a lot more complicated than that.
You see, when you change, it opens up an uncomfortable can of worms. It makes others question why they aren’t the ones changing.
If they can’t get past themselves and their deep-rooted insecurity, they curdle. Instead of looking within themselves for answers, they turn their attention outwards. They point fingers— who the hell do you think you are to try and become something special, something more than us?
So they pull you down. Not because they want to hurt you — but because they want to avoid having to honestly look at themselves in the mirror.
And the saddest thing is oftentimes this mentality is subconscious. Most of these crabs are not self-aware enough to realize that their actions are hurting themselves as much, if not more so, than the person they are so desperate to keep down.
By demonizing on the success of others, they inadvertently stifle their own. For who wants to be that which they hate?
If you pay attention, you’ll see it all the time.
When you make up your mind to get in shape, the crabs go “why are you in the gym all the time?”
When you start eating healthier, the crabs go “so you’re too good to join us for beers and burgers now?”
When you start your entrepreneruship journey, the crabs go “oh wow, isn’t that risky?”
Pro tip: if you’re trying to better yourself and your “friends” constantly make snide remarks like the above, I’ve got some bad news for you.
They’re not really your friends.
Surround Yourself With The Right People
Clinical psychiatrist Jordan Peterson has an excellent 2-step test to tell who are your true friends.
A) You can tell them bad news, and they will listen without judgement.
B) And this is more telling — you can tell them good news, and they will help you celebrate.
Realize that people afflicted with the crab mentality behave the complete opposite of how a true friend would behave!
As the popular saying goes, they want to see you do good, but never better than them.
Crabs are terrified of change. For to change means they have to truthfully look within themselves and confront their own shortcomings. It’s much easier and far more comfortable to maintain the status quo — that’s why it’s called the comfort zone.
The problem is the comfort zone is where dreams go to die.
Much like the real crustaceans they were named after, these human crabs would happily pull you down and keep you down — even when logically, they know it’s not good for either of you!
Don’t let them.
Remember, when you look around you and all you see are crabs, it means you need to find a new bucket.
Pronto.
In Summary: True Friends Empower — Fake Friends Undermine
My biggest takeaway from attending a weeklong writing retreat in Bali was the importance of surrounding oneself with positive, empowering people.
People whose company you actually enjoy. People whose conversations leave you energized, not despondent.
Like I said in my best performing article on Medium —
“Sometimes, you’ve got to go to grow. Like a young man leaving home, or a snake molting skin it’s grown too big for. It’s possible to grow too big for relationships, too.”
Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with, and I cannot agree more.
And surrounding yourself with crabs is a sure-fire way to failure and mediocrity. Sometimes, you’ve got to go to grow.
If you’re reading this and have identified some crab-like tendencies in the way you approach relationships, it’s not too late for amends. Like Carl Jung said,
“That which you most need will be found where you least want to look.”
Mindlessly grasping isn’t going to help you escape the proverbial bucket. Don’t hate on the success of others. Congratulate them. Be happy for them. Then look within yourself to see how you can do better.
Remember, winners want their friends to succeed, and crabs want their friends to fail.
Don’t be a crab.
Be a winner instead.
Thanks for reading my story :)
