Looking Back on My Year of Ease
2021 put my word to the test
It makes me laugh to think of my word for 2021. I know, I know, I said the same thing when I wrote about how 2020 turned out for me after having chosen the word DARE to guide me. (Let’s be fair — I could not have predicted a pandemic that left me isolated and pretty deeply “dareless” for most of that year.)
This year, my word was EASE. It seemed like a great idea after a year of merciless strife. Hell yes, I wanted more ease, and I felt no shame in asking for it.
However, if you asked me to describe this year with one word, I’d say something like “hard.” Or “difficult.” Or “relentless.”
While I didn’t choose the word EASE to mean easy, I did hope to bring in some gentleness, some softness. I wanted to clear obstacles and create more space for myself. Regardless, the year still brought with it such deep heartbreak and hardships, it’s hard for me to associate 2021 with a word like EASE.
Nevertheless, this was not an attempt to make a positive spin out of a hard year, but an exercise in changing my habits. And as such, I am obliged to look back with grace at the progress I made.
A Look Back at My EASEful Aspirations
There were a few habits and behaviors that I sought to evolve during 2021 using EASE as my guiding light. Here’s how those played out:
Obsessively Checking Email
This is a habit I got into in 2015 when I began working at a nonprofit. After working in education most of my life, this was the first time I’d ever had to spend 8+ hours a day in front of a computer. The incoming emails were overwhelming and as such, I would leave my email open all day long and immediately respond to everything that landed in my inbox in order to keep from having to deal with 60 or more emails at the end of each day.
This was a terrible idea, as you can probably guess, and became an addictive habit that haunts me to this day. Except now, I will go to great lengths to avoid answering emails because of how overwhelmed I feel. Yet I will obsessively check my inbox just to mark them as “read” or to get a dopamine hit, just like I seek when I escape to my Instagram feed.
I’m proud to say that I check my email now less than 10 times a day. That probably seems like a lot, but for me, that’s at least a 60% reduction. I would like to continue this practice and get down to 2–3 times per day.
Making Less Content for Social Media
This one was easy. I find that most of the time, the engagement I get on social media is almost never worth the effort I put into it. So I started cutting back, particularly over the summer, and now, I often go for weeks without posting anything.
Giving Less Feedback
I spent the years prior to this always saying yes to friends who asked for professional advice, free editing services, etc. In general, I found this to be a waste of time, usually met with responses like, “Thanks for sending your ideas/corrections. I don’t have time to read them right now, but I appreciate it.” (Seemed an odd thing to say for something they requested…) I love my friends and will do certain professional favors for some of them for free, but in general, I won’t give away my time in this way any longer.
Leaving Facebook
I recently wrote about yet another frustrating experience I had on Facebook this month not even remembering that my year of EASE was supposed to bring me to a decision about whether or not I should leave the platform.
At this point, I have decided to delete anyone I’m not really friends with (or unfollow but remain friends), to unfollow almost all the pages I’ve been following, and to limit my usage to keeping in touch with my favorite cousins and engaging with a few groups that are currently important to me.
And I have given myself full permission to continue with the plan to delete my account, entirely, if I have any further issues this year.
Taking More Breaks from Work
Okay, this one has been super hard. I have not gotten very far. It is extremely challenging for me to grapple with my conditioned beliefs that it is more virtuous to be working all the time. However, I have gotten to the point where I take a guilt-free nap at least 4 days a week, so that’s progress!
Easing Up at the Holidays
Again, this one was easy to achieve, thanks to the pandemic. My family no longer gathers together, and therefore, there’s a lot less work and stress. I also was very proactive this year about telling family members where I was going to go and what I was going to do, without guilt or apology, even if my plans meant I would miss certain events like my nephew’s birthday, or prevent me from seeing my dad during the holidays.
I chose my own joy, this time.
Stop Being So Nice
It stunned me to see this on my list. I had forgotten it was even there, and clearly this has become a major theme for me, as my friends will attest. I have regularly said in recent weeks that I am done being so nice. I am ready to swing in the other direction. Vicious actually sounds really good to me at this point in life.
I admit, I didn’t get too far on this one. For example, I bought my neighbors Christmas presents again and just as always, none of them acknowledged it. It drives me crazy the amount of effort I put into being kind to people who couldn’t care less about me.
Despite the many setbacks, I feel like I’ve recently made some really big strides in this department. I’m ready to stop being so goddamn nice.
Where I Was Gifted with EASE
Though the year was strenuously difficult, there were a few places where EASE edged itself into my life and gave me some beautiful gifts and memories.
When a lover deeply hurt me earlier this year, EASE came to me in the form of some incredibly deep friendships with people who became soulmates in ways that eclipsed any romantic relationships I’ve ever had. They were like a balm for my heart and they have become such important people in my everyday life.
EASE came to me in the little moments with my nieces and nephews. I swam in the pool with Alex who looked in my eyes as I twirled him around in the water and said, “I luff you, Auntie.” And then there’s my brother’s little girl, 2-year-old Mabel, who recently said to me, “I’m Daddy’s little girl, but I’ll be your little girl, too,” right before she threw her arms around me and squeezed me in her strong little embrace.
EASE found me in a hot spring with two dear friends, in the opportunity to take nude photos with those same friends, in one of the most joyful experiences I’ve ever had with a lover, snapping some of the best photos of a baby owl I ever took, and in nine months of physical therapy for my frozen shoulder (adhesive capsulitis), which my therapist told me should have taken 11–18 months.
What I Want for Next Year
Incredibly, I haven’t chosen a word for 2022 yet. This has never happened to me since I started this journey in 2015. I always have a word that surfaces for me by November, or at least early December.
Somehow, this year, nothing has come to me and the many lists of words I’ve considered just haven’t felt right.
Ultimately, I want something that encompasses both potential and potential realized. Something that captures the feeling of possibility…and the experience of embracing possibility. Chrysalis…and emergence. Hunger…and satiety.
I am ravenous. After a lifetime of hiding myself away, constantly pausing out of fear, denying myself potentially pleasurable experiences, and being cautious to the point of absurdity, I am ready to gorge on everything in life that looks remotely interesting to me.
Give me that second slice of cake. Give me the ecstatic sex even if it comes with an emotional risk. And speaking of emotions: Give me fucking love, universe!
This is all I know, as of now. I know the feeling I want to pursue. Like always, I can find my way with my heart. And hopefully, she will guide me to my word (or phrase) for 2022.
Until then, I’m going to squeeze the very last drop of juice out of EASE, hopefully in ways that will carry it forward and allow me to create a life that feels just a little bit gentler in this not-so-gentle world.
© Yael Wolfe 2021
More on navigating the new year:
