England’s Giant Balls

London Under Attack!

The orbs have come

Run for your lives! London has been invaded by giant metallic orbs!

Abandon your spouse! Abandon you children! You don’t have to outrun the orbs, you just have to outrun that feeble old lady next to you! Better yet: push ol’ gran onto the cobblestones and kick her cane down a sewer. She’s had a good life. Maybe the orbs will go easy on her. Maybe they’ll just squish her real quick.

Speculation runs rampant as to the origins of these ominous, ambulant shapes. Are these orbs alien devices from outer space? Did they rise up out of Hackney Marshes like the blob? Are these sophisticated Russian weapons sent to destabilize London’s trendy shopping district?

Or are they are pieces of the Mount Kimbie and Tom Shannon’s art installation recently installed near Tottenham Court Road that were blown loose when London experienced high winds last week?

We can’t be sure, so it’s best to assume that every single one of these explanations is true. (Except for that last one. That sounds too far-fetched.)

What do they want? They’re giant orbs! What do you think they want? Celebrities, obviously. They’re going about kidnapping the Kingdom’s wealthiest and most influential, or at the very least harassing them until they agree to be guests on their giant metallic orb podcasts.

They’ve already captured Mick Jagger, Elton John, Victoria Beckham, Michael Cane, and Paul McCartney, although the orbs were surprised to discover that Britain’s most cherished citizens tend to live in other countries.

**My God! The orbs have completely encased and frozen The Beatles! Are you next?** (Image via Pixabay)

Guards have been increased at Buckingham Palace, even though the orbs have so far kept their distance from the royal home. They seem to be terrified that the clumsy, sausage-fingered King will accidentally pop them as he tries to play with them.

According to the Ass-oh-see-a-tit Press, the orbs sought out Britain’s Prime Minister. As a result of outdated information, they accidentally took Boris Johnson, before releasing him back to the Caribbean and heading for the home of Liz Truss.

Disappointed again, the orbs decided to concentrate on TikTok celebrities, who tend to have a more lasting impact.

Enjoyed yourself? Then read this, Stupid:

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The Country Music Legend is not What He Seems

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Then there’s this joyous offering from Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier):

Throwing People Under the Bus … An Exercise Program

Then there’s always “leaping to conclusions”