Summary

The webpage presents a satirical fitness program that humorously combines interpersonal manipulation and social aggression with physical exercise, suggesting tongue-in-cheek activities like "blowing smoke up someone's ass," "throwing people under the bus," and "leaping to conclusions" as ways to stay fit while engaging in social sabotage.

Abstract

In a humorous take on fitness and societal behavior, the author, a former physician, offers an unconventional exercise regimen. This program creatively utilizes actions typically considered harmful or unethical, such as deceiving others, blaming them for one's mistakes, and making rash judgments, as a means to achieve physical fitness. The article emphasizes multitasking these questionable social behaviors with aerobic and strength training activities, suggesting that they can be performed in both workplace and social settings for maximum benefit. The routines include the historical resuscitation method of blowing smoke up an ass, the metaphorical act of throwing someone under a bus to avoid blame, and the energetic pastime of leaping to conclusions without proper evidence, all presented with a blend of dark humor and a nod to the absurdity of cancel culture.

Opinions

The author views the combination of physical exercise and negative social interaction as a humorous way to cope with the complexities of modern life and the difficulty of finding time for traditional workouts.
There is a clear satirical tone, implying that the stress and drama of interpersonal conflict can be as physically demanding as conventional forms of exercise.
The piece mocks the lack of civility and rush to judgment prevalent in society, particularly in politics and the phenomenon of cancel culture.
It suggests that many people engage in these negative behaviors not just for social or professional gain but also as a misguided means to improve their health and fitness.
The article pokes fun at the idea of multitasking, suggesting that it can lead to absurd and counterproductive outcomes, such as using exercise as an excuse for poor behavior.

MODERN WORKOUT

Throwing People Under the Bus … An Exercise Program

Then there’s always “leaping to conclusions”

**Even “blowing smoke” — especially up someone’s ass — requires a lot of energy.** Photo by Jaroslav Devia on Unsplash

We lead busy lives. It’s hard to get all the exercise one needs to stay healthy.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to briefly return to my pre-retirement life as a physician and share some fitness tips.

All involve multi-tasking — an exercise in itself — and, as an added bonus, many can be done while spoiling the lives of others.

Blowing smoke (especially blowing smoke up someone’s ass)

This is the only win-win in the bunch.

I remember this one from medical school, which I attended during the mid-18th century.

Blowing smoke up an ass was used as a technique to revive drowning victims.

**It worked!** Photo by Milivoj Kuhar on Unsplash

Note previously-drowned ass in picture above.

Not only is this exercise good for the ass it’s also good for the blower.

Imagine the cardio-pulmonary and thoracic work involved in blowing smoke into this thing. Especially, if you have to do it more than once (to see if it works … of course).

Then there’s the core-strengthening and flexibility benefits of assuming the position required to blow smoke into a presumably-awkwardly-collapsed drowned ass.

Next drunken orgy you attend — when someone drowns in the punch bowl — give it a try. You’ll see.

Throwing people under the bus

This is a wonderful workplace activity, although it can work equally well in a social setting.

Do ensure you have a spotter, in case of violent blow back from the throwee. Often these ingrates don’t realize just how hard you’re working to maintain personal fitness.

You can make modifications in my routine, given below, but here are the basics:

1️⃣ Identify a hapless underling, peasant, serf, the fucking new guy in the group, or other clan member of lower social status than yourself

2️⃣ Wait for them to fuck up. Better still just wait for a fuck up of any kind, even one of your own. Come to think of it, that’s the best.

3️⃣ Give the old heave ho. With gusto. Plant your legs firmly and with nary a backward glance cast your victim under the wheels of a passing bus. Directly into the path of an oncoming bus works as well.

4️⃣ Either laugh your fucking ass off or ROTFL. Both add to the exercise experience and help burn calories.

**Note: This bus type is unacceptable for the exercise technique mentioned above.** Photo by Mourizal Zativa on Unsplash

Leaping to conclusions

This calorie-burner is borrowed from the world of politics and is part of the ongoing fitness craze known as cancel culture.

It’s simple and effective.

Any, and I mean ANY, encounter will serve as the spark for leaping into action and leaping to conclusions thereby strengthening one’s musculoskeletal system, one’s cardiovascular system and one’s resolve. It also serves to strengthen sanctimony in case yours has gone all flabby and unattractive.

All you need do is find the shallowest reason to lash out at someone or something. Thought, reflection, fact checking, civility and other activities of a bygone age are not needed.

Once you’ve identified the excuse to leap, do so, IMMEDIATELY, and with all the vigor you can muster.

Say, for example, that you’re walking in snowy weather and you overhear the statement “snowflakes are beautiful” from an innocent child. Without hesitation, leap into action and begin your fitness routine with the leaping to conclusions portion of my program.

At the top of your lungs, bellow, “WTF do you mean, snowflakes are beautiful?!”

Then engage in a curse-laden tirade against the overly-sensitive, PC and otherwise weak-ass limp-dick pussies in our society who don’t allow your rage-filled hate speech to fully flower.

Then stalk off in a huff. (Cardio!)

Be sure ALL your muscles are tensed as you do so. And, hold your breath until you nearly pass out, the veins in your head and neck distend to an alarming degree and your face turns the color of a thrombosed hemorrhoid.

**NO! NO! NO! YOU FOOL! THIS IS ALL WRONG.** 😡 😡 😡 Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

I’ll deal with the fitness benefits of “getting slap happy”, “springing to attention”, “jumping into the fray”, and “running for President” in subsequent stories.

Want still more bullshit?

God Has Lost His/Her/Its Goddamn Mind

M̳aking A̳mericans G̳ag A̳gain

medium.com