Summary

The website content is a humorous, fictional narrative about a pirate ship crew dealing with dental hygiene and the love of lollipops, parodying the song "On the Good Ship Lollypop."

Abstract

The article, presented as a whimsical tale from the "Good Ship," satirically addresses the dental consequences of consuming too many lollipops. It features a Captain Obvious, a popeyed Cap'n, and a crew of dentists aboard a fictional pirate ship. The Captain laments the lack of sensible comparisons and the effects of grog on oral health, while the crew yearns for treasure and healthy teeth. The narrative includes a song parody that humorously emphasizes the importance of dental care, referencing tooth decay, yellow stains, and the need for regular brushing. The piece is interspersed with playful banter and grammatical commentary, and it concludes with a nod to the original "Lollipop" song by Shirley Temple, inviting readers to explore other song parodies by the author.

Opinions

The author playfully criticizes the lack of sensible health comparisons, highlighting the importance of oral hygiene beyond just the appearance of teeth.
The Captain's character is portrayed as exasperated with the crew's nonsensical behavior, emphasizing the need for more responsible actions when it comes to health.
The article suggests that maintaining dental health is akin to a pirate's quest for treasure, implying that good oral hygiene is something to be sought after and valued.
The author pokes fun at grammatical pedantry, rejecting Grammarly's suggestion to add an article before "tooth" and "truth," while also playfully tagging a dental professional for a potential story.
There is a self-awareness of the writing process, with the author acknowledging the manipulation of the song template for creative effect and apologizing to purists for any perceived incoherence.
The piece concludes with a humble admission that the author's work cannot match the "perfection" of another poet they admire, indicating a respect for their peers and an ongoing commitment to their craft.

AIN’T NO SWEET HERE

Lollipops Are Popular on the Good Ship

Their sequelae keep your dentists busy

Jolly Roger Lollipops image by Alex Borland via Public Domain Pictures (CC0 1.0)

A dear friend of ours, Captain Obvious, wishes to acknowledge this as a parody of “On the Good Ship Lollypop,” sung by Shirley Temple in a movie.

Picture the scene

of a totally fictional YouTube video, soon issuing forth from the imaginary Dudditor¹ — umm, Dental division of the unequally bogus Good Ship

“Poppycock!” apoplectically bellows our popeyed nincompoop of a Cap’n, flourishing her impressive popguns. “I authorized no nonsensical comparisons of tooth to truth.² Apples to mangoes. Dark rum to white wine. Did you know grog can affect the health of your mouth, as well as your brain?”

“No!!! Really??? Tell us more!” the duh-duh-dentists implore with piratical pleasure and horror combined. What would that be? Plorror? Heasure? That rhymes with Treasure that stands for — is — might be — something both pirates and dentists yearn for. Not pool. That’s a different movie.

Appeased, our feared yet revered Cap’n begins to sing!

I’ve run away to Sea, with my outlaw crew I want to have some fun while working in the queue On this we can agree: dentistry is a pain And when we do, then we few, will success attain

I kno-o-o-ow you love lollipops! Now brush y’r teeth after th’ candy stop Your T-M-J Leads to long delay and asterik spray

⚔️ Yes. On purpose.⚔️

Yellow sta-a-ains are everywhere Y’r choppers, mate, they don’t have a prayer But here we are! Happy munching on that chocolate bar

See that oops you made? From your point you strayed Baskerville will take it amiss And if there’s 3 dots, ooh-ooh… You’re remiss and I’ll be pissed

I kno-o-o-ow you love lollipops! Here’s my best tip: punching down please stop Take parens away Lest you feel my riding crop

I kno-o-o-ow you love lollipops! Now brush y’r teeth after th’ candy stop Where tooth decay Leads to long delay and asterik spray

Yellow sta-a-ains are back in style Orthodontic bands; oooh big smile And here we are! Still some munching on that chocolate bar

See what you did there! I enjoy your flair And I love that opening gag But if there’s 3 dots, ooh-ooh… You’ll never snag that bota bag

I kno-o-o-ow you love lollipops! Here’s a pro tip: some “thats” please drop Plus Sandy’s name On the good ship Somethingtop

You’re remiss and I’ll be pissed

I kno-o-o-ow you love lollipops! Here’s a new tip: into bed you hop And clap away For The Good Ship Lollipop

→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←

This song started streaming once Cap’n Susan involunteered to sing it. I’m in awe of her bravery.

If you stick strictly to the template, there’s little opportunity for incoherent meaning. So I messed with it. Sorry, if you’re a purist.

¹ ICYDK, when they’re not moonlighting as dentists, the editors of MuddyUm are affectionately known as Mudditors. MuddyUm is the humor pub populated by an occasionally jerky pirate crew, collectively called Outlaws.

² Rejected Grrrammarly’s suggestion to “add an article” before tooth & truth but am inspired to tag the singular, the unique Tooth Truth Roopa Vikesh. May we look to her for a dental Viking story, perhaps?

→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←

If you perceive no association

between muddy and dentists, or even editors, click here. You may or may not learn nothing.

Hogan Torah, I’m stealing from the best poet I know just for you.

Freely admitting I can’t match the Doctor’s perfection, I’ll keep trudging along on its muddy path.

My tag is mud, my story’s odd. And to Smillew I give a nod. Our muddy squad has been outlawed. And for my fiction, please applaud.

The “Smillew Writers Challenge” + daydreams of dentistry took this parody from a languishing draft to publication under the futurely historic SWC Mud tag.

Introducing The Smillew Writers Challenge

Nothing to win, nothing to lose

medium.com

Thanks for reading! You’ll find my other song parodies here.

Below, for your listening pleasure, is the original Lollipop song. I’ll clean the plaque before listening to Shirley again anytime soon, sweet as she is.