WHAT’S THE KICKER?
In a Certain Space, These Are the Rules
If you’re not on board, you know what you can do
Writing fills a gap I didn’t know I had, and I’m surprised and grateful to be taking up the space marked “editor fairy.” It’s fun to swoop in with first aid for your darling baby’s owie.
I didn’t know I could do this.
The views and policies expressed herein are those of a semiprivate citizen. They do not necessarily represent the strange and mysterious rituals of any group, past or present, liquid or solid, heaven or earth, amen.
On the other hand, if a certain subset of an unknown group — let’s call them dentists — gets fed up with sending the same notes over and over, the cutlasses may start clashing. Don’t make the dentists angry. You won’t like us when we’re angry.
→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
Missing a kicker? Dental work ceases till you fill that cavity yourself. Ideally, your kicker adds humor. I’M A TOOTH isn’t funny.
What is the kicker, you ask? You must be new to this space. Dentists expect you know where to look for pertinent info. We tell you repeatedly: read it.
If you’re actively trying to send a particular dentist off the deep end, use the following words as kickers:
HUMOR * SATIRE * HUMOUR * AWESOME * CAT HUMOR * DOG HUMOR→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
Really, you know not what the squiggly red line under some words means? That explains why your darling baby has so many typos in its teeth. Don’t count on the dentists to floss them for you.
Sophomoric humor? Fine, until it stimulates our gag reflex. If four out of five dentists agree it’s cringey, back to you goes your darling baby.
Pro tip! Dentists especially like repeated use of the words “that,” “umm,” and “testicles.”
→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
Passive voice and wordiness are frowned upon in this space. I’m learning as I go. Horrid examples of excess wordiness linger in my oldest dear, darling babies. It can be very very hard to kill what you love. I love most of my babies ardently till they start toddling, then meh.
Brevity. It’s the soul of wit. Less is more.
Looking for advice on what to write, leading to wealth and fame? Look further.
→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
Dentists trust you know a hawk from a handsaw, and so do other Outlaws. Don’t patronize us with parentheticals or leave us hanging with ellipses.
Be original. Avoid hackneyed terms that are older than dirt and descriptive phrases everyone knows. I don’t always practice what I preach.
Dentists may leave multiple notes — asterisk blizzards — because we, like you, hope your darling baby thrives. No crickets. No charge. You’re welcome.
→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
When we point out scraggly teeth that need straightening, and you fix them promptly then announce you’re done?
You have a good grasp of dental etiquette. More grog for you!When your dentist suggests a crown instead of extraction and you respond, “Yes! I agree. Go ahead and cap the tooth”?
No worries. We'll need your bank account and routing numbers.→ ☠️ 🦜 ⚔️ ←
How old are you, again? Old enough for wisdom teeth? Many of your darlings request permission to come aboard with baby-teeth formatting. Our cannon barely has time to cool in the dental work stoppage between reminder shots. It’s not difficult to polish your BIG T title and little T subtitle and kicker before submitting.
X-rays are necessary for oral health, and a creatively unusual, striking image illustrating your darling baby attracts an audience. Appropriate captions, including hyperlinks unless it’s your own picture, are de rigueur. If this is news to you, read the pertinent info before submitting, and don’t post images you don’t own the rights to unless they’re demonstrably free use.
Help your darling baby be popular! The cool kids have the best tag tattoos, such as:
Humor * Life * Life Lessons * Mental Health * TesticlesSeveral dentists have earned Top Orthodontist credentials. How? By paying attention to which tattoos are the coolest.
Should I reinvent myself as the Tooth Fairy? Nah. Tooth fairies disburse money.
Is this space my final frontier? Who knows! I retired in June 2020 with no more idea of writing than of flying. I was all about house-building and moving, in real space. Making new friends and acquiring coworkers in virtual space is unexpectedly satisfying.
Thanks to the Cap'n for "four out of five dentists."
