Letting your inner child out to play

Your inner child learned it wasn’t safe to be happy or free. It’s time to teach them that it’s safe to be both (and this is how to do it).

by: E.B. Johnson

As adults, many of us are hobbled by the experiences and pain of our childhood. When you undergo extreme upset or trauma in your youth, it leaves a mark that haunts you forever; no unlike a bookmark that leaves you forever looking backward at a page you couldn’t yet read or understand. In order to lead happy, fulfilling lives as adults, we have to resolve this pain and teach our inner child that it’s safe to enjoy themselves and dwell again in a world that once taught them pain.

We must embrace our inner children and let them out to play if we want to find our joy in this life. Tapping into this radical sort of self-healing enables us to reshape our perspective of self, and the patterns of thinking keep us small or stuck in the darkness of our pasts. It’s not an easy process, though, and it’s not always one that should be done without the aid of a mental health professional. It is a necessary process, though, and one that can bring with it true transformation and happiness.

Everyone has an inner child. Everyone.

Absolutely everyone on this planet has an inner child who guides them and points them toward their joy in this life. For the lucky ones, that inner child is one that was raised in safety and security. They know their boundaries, and they know how to come out and bring joy when the time is right. For the rest of us, however, we are haunted by inner children that were damaged or forgotten in a number of ways. In order to bring them out into the light, we have to teach them that it’s safe to do so.

You can think of your “inner child” as a piece of your subconscious. It’s that part of our self that picked up and learned things in childhood, before we were able to fully mentally and emotionally process what was going on. Our inner child is a bit like our foundations. When those foundations are solid, we move through life easily. When they’re rotten, we fall apart.

We have to find the strength and the courage to look backward at this inner child, and the painful experiences that taught them love and joy were unsafe and unacceptable. We have to pull them away from those deep, dark places where we keep them locked up and embrace our natural and authentic sense of joy, optimism, and wonder. The world needs joy more than ever before, and it needs our passion too. All of this can be rediscovered by getting back in-sync with the innocence of your inner child.

Signs your inner child is still hurt and scared.

Are you struggling with deep-rooted feelings of guilt, pain, or shame? Do you overwork yourself in the name of achieving someone else’s goals? These (and so many others) are all signs of an inner child that was never allowed to live in joy and freedom. In order to kick-start their healing, we have to cultivate understanding and accept the signs.

Overwork and burnout

Do you work yourself until you’re absolutely burned out? Do you have an inability to stop, or to allow yourself to relax? These are both common signs of a trauma response and are especially common in victims of childhood trauma. More often than not, this fresh sense of trauma drives you to keep moving out of a fear that — if you stop — you’ll have to confront your feelings. It can also come from a deep-seated need to prove yourself.

Anxiety and fear

Anxiety and fear are two of the biggest hurdles we face in this life. When we are confronted with them, they often cause us to freeze up and lockdown. Something which is especially true when it comes to childhood trauma. Were you taught that it wasn’t safe to show emotion, or enjoy yourself in this life? This can lead to fear and anxiety in adulthood; especially when it comes to moments of happiness or ultimate personal freedom.

Perfectionism and rigidity

Though we tend to think of perfectionism as a positive “flaw” to have, it can lead to severe rigidity that makes it hard to function or find happiness. The perfectionist is usually someone who is highly critical of self, with a high level of negative self-talk that drives them on achieve, achieve, achieve. You lose compassion for self and start to associate your self-worth only with your successes. In turn, this erodes both your happiness and your self-esteem.

Inability to finish things

Are you someone who never quite finishes the projects you start? Do you hop from job to job, relationship to relationship — in the hopes that you’ll eventually settle when things are “right”? This too is a common sign of the traumatized inner child. The child who was never safe and never allowed to establish themselves in one place can become skittish and self-aware in a way that makes it uncomfortable and hard to commit fully.

Shame and guilt

Shame and guilt are also two demons you might find yourself battling often in regards to your inner child. Do you regularly look back on your past and feel a great deal of shame over events you couldn’t control? Do you carry a lot of guilt for the pain your parents caused, or the mistakes you made in the wake of that pain? That child that was hurt is not responsible for what happened to them, but it’s up to us to teach them that.

Negative inner talk

Childhood trauma isn’t all slaps to the face and endless physical abuse — though it can certainly contain those elements. Harsh or overly restrictive parenting can also cause this trauma. Or the parent that endlessly criticized you and everything that you do. This creates a pattern of extremely negative self-talk that eats away at our self-esteem and our ability to make effective decisions for ourselves (and our futures).

Unwilling to celebrate self

How do you respond to your own success? When you get something right, finish a major project, or even land a major promotion — how does it make you feel? We should celebrate ourselves whenever we manage to accomplish a victory, big or small. An unwillingness to celebrate your own work and wins? This can often indicate an inner child who could never “get it right”. As such, this child grows into an adult who’s unhappy and unable to give themselves a pat on the back from time-to-time.

Addiction and risky behavior

Addiction and risk-taking behavior are two coping mechanisms we often utilize when we are struggling to confront a broken inner child. These behaviors help us to numb our pain, and it makes it emotionally easier for us to keep moving. It’s easier to drown yourself in to alcohol, gambling, or the affections of others — than it is to take a step back and open our minds and our hearts to a child who was never allowed to feel real love and joy.

Shattered relationships

Failing to address the issues that we have in our childhood pasts can result in shattered relationships, or an inability to build close, stable, and lasting partnerships. Our unresolved childhood trauma encourages us to put up walls that make it hard for anyone to get close to us (less they see how broken and in pain we truly are). Likewise, we can lash out at anyone and everyone around us, in order to push them away before we get even more damaged or hurt.

Toxic intimacy and attachment

Just as a damaged inner child can impact the borders of our relationships (letting people in, or close to us) it can also take a serious toll on the dynamics of the relationships still in play. Most commonly, we struggle with forms of toxic intimacy and attachment. We might become extremely clingy and insecure within our relationships. We can even find ourselves lashing out in extreme and juvenile emotional displays; as we struggle to make sense of our childhood injuries and fears.

Building happiness by letting your inner child out to play.

Letting your inner child out is all about setting the groundwork that communicates a new sense of safety and security. Your inner child wants to heal. They want to be happy and play through life. It’s up to you to make them safe, however, and to create an environment that they can thrive in naturally.

1. Stop numbing yourself to feelings

You can’t bring your inner child to the surface until you learn how to deal with the feelings they are associated with. This is hard, especially if you are someone dealing with a lot of deep-seated physical and emotional trauma. It’s necessary though and requires us to stop numbing ourselves or turning away from the inevitable truths that we’re running from.

Journalling and meditation are two great ways to start getting in touch with these feelings slowly and safely. Take a few quiet minutes to yourself each day and find a spot where you won’t be interrupted. Call up your inner child, but do it slowly by recalling a happy childhood memory or event that makes you smile.

Do this each day, relying on that same happy memory if you must. Really try to put yourself in that child’s place, feeling what they felt and seeing what they saw. Get cozy with being that child again and record everything. Once you feel comfortable with this, you can start working back into more serious memories or moment. Remember: you’re not trying to fix anything — just confront it. Consult a mental health expert if this trauma is especially disturbing.

2. Move slowly and with certainty

For those who are parents, you will know that there is rarely ever an effective way to “rush” a child. Happy children move with wonder and excitement. They move quickly — but only at their own behest. The same goes for your inner child. They can’t be rushed when it comes to feeling safe enough to come out and fill your life with innocent joy. You have to inch them slowly forward, and you have to do it with a certainty they can trust.

Know that you are doing the right thing for yourself by resolving your childhood pain and heartbreak. Healing these wounds does not take away from anyone else. It simply makes it easier for you to understand and process the world around you. Stop hiding your child in shame, but don’t rush them to the finish line either.

Open the door and make the path clear. Let them see that the journey to wellness has begun, but make it clear that they are free to move at their own volition. There won’t be any screaming matches here, or threats against their physical health and safety. Reassure your inner child by moving slowly and with certainty at a pace they can feel comfortable with.

3. Take your inhibitions off the table

So many of us struggle to give our inner child any relief because we are paralyzed by our inhibitions. We’re told that the concept of an inner child is “silly” or that is has no real bearing on our happiness. We’re taught to dismiss our childhood experiences and “just get on with things” as though that past pain has no meaning. But it does. We just have to take our inhibitions off the table and stop chasing the ideals of others to embrace that.

Stop chasing other people’s ideals of happiness and existence. Stop being cold and numb because that’s what your father was, or your mother. It’s time to take their shackles off your inner child and take your inhibitions off the table. The only person who can judge you is you. This child answers only to the call of your own desires and hopes.

Seeking help isn’t “taboo” anymore, it’s self care. Healing the wounds that were dealt to you as a child is a necessary part of growing up and coming to a reckoning with who we are and what we want. We have to strip off the blinders and all the judgements that are cast on us by others so that we can open up and out the poison that’s eating away our lives. Take your inhibitions off the table and let your inner child know it’s safe to come out and play (and heal) any way they need to.

4. Pursue passions and laughter consciously

Once you’ve set the groundwork for your inner child’s newly designed safety, you can get serious about bringing them out to play in our lives. By playing with our inner children, we can reconnect to the passion and the fun in life. We can find our optimism again, and the silver lining in every castle in the clouds that we construct. How do we get there, though? How do we bring back that unfettered and innocent joy that used to come so naturally?

The quickest and easiest path to reclaiming this joy is getting back in touch with our laughter and our passions. Think back to your childhood. What pastimes and activities brought you the most happiness? What fun things allowed you to escape?

Re-engage that childlike sense of wonder and deploy your child’s eyes on the world once more. Enroll in an art class, or maybe an adult dance class. Call up the people who make you laugh the most and schedule a (socially distanced) night out of fun. Fill your life with happiness again — consciously and with commitment. Do things you’re good at and do things that serve no other purpose but to entertain. Not only will you increase your own confidence, you’ll do the same for your inner child too. Keep it simple and keep it silly.

5. Be the parent you never got to experience

One of the most powerful gifts we can give ourselves in this life is that of re-parenting ourselves. Not all of us were blessed with caring parents who knew what they were doing (or cared to learn). For some of us, we have to become the parents we never had. In order to do this, though, we have to set boundaries and limitations, as well as making the world fund and safe for ourselves.

Re-parenting your inner child comes down to 4 basic foundations: gaining discipline, learning self-care, bringing renewed joy, and realizing how to regulate emotions. All of these facets come together to create a world in which your inner child can thrive in all their innocent and optimistic splendor.

Beyond that, re-parenting can increase our self-esteem, generate a greater sense of self-love, help us rework bad habits, and can even maximize our independence and sense of comfort in this world. It’s a transformative gift we give to our adult selves — but it requires that we be brutally honest with our inner child at all times, while practicing compassionately accountability and unmitigated joy.

Putting it all together…

We all have an inner child within us which connects us to our joy and our optimism in this life. This inner child is the part of our subconscious that experienced and developed before we were able to process or comprehend what was happening. When this inner child is the victim of a lot of traumas or heartbreak, it stunts them and teaches them it’s not safe to be happy or enjoy themselves. In order to overcome this in our adulthood, we have to create a safe environment for this inner child to resolve their pain and reconnect with joy.

Stop numbing yourself to the feelings of your inner child and allow yourself to feel the full array of their emotions — from happy and sad. You must do this in order to resolve their hurt and make it safe for them to be themselves. Our inner children want to be happy, but we have to make it safe for them to do that. Move them slowly toward this security and happiness by making your own life more open and accepting of everything that you are and were. Take off the shackles of your inhibitions and leave freedom for your inner child to explore all the things that stoke their passions and excite them. Allow yourself to follow these passions with childlike wonder and intentionally find ways to infuse your life with as much laughter and spontaneity as possible. When we allow our inner children to come out and play, we allow ourselves to heal and be happy authentically and from the inside out.