This is the sign you’ve been waiting for. That new opportunity isn’t for you.
Not all opportunities are meant for us. Knowing the difference can make all the difference in our own lives.
by: E.B. Johnson
There is power in accepting new opportunities, but there is a line behind which those opportunities cause more pain and hassle than they’re worth. As humans, we’re conditioned to think frequently in the short-term, and that can lead to a failure to fully think through the benefits, consequences and personal effects of taking on a new experience or job offer. Not all opportunities are good opportunities and not all new doorways are the right ones for us. Knowing the difference takes brutal honesty, though, and it takes knowing how you see yourself and others.
You can let go of opportunities that aren’t a good fit, and you can do so without letting people down or burning bridges behind you. When we get honest about who we are and what we want, we can start to see the longterm benefits in being selective about experiences we take on. That to hand, it becomes easier to go after the things in this life that better suit who we are and the vision that we have for our futures. If you’ve been waiting for a sign to accept or let go of that new opportunity: this is it. It’s not right for you, and this is why.
The opportunity paradox.
We’re conditioned to believe that opportunities are always meant to be seized, but sometimes an open door is best left closed. Not every opportunity is meant for us, and some “opportunities” detract from our overall experiences in this life rather than adding to them. When you take on more than you can handle, or you find yourself embracing a new experience that doesn’t align with you ultimate goals — it can prevent you from reaching your full potential or getting where you need to go.
This “seize the opportunity” paradox, comes down to the earnest belief that all opportunities offer only positive rewards…without also considering the physical, mental and emotional toll those opportunities can take. For example, a freelancer might take on more jobs, searching for security. One too many gigs, however, might provide so much excess stress that their other work suffers, creating a domino effect that rips through their lives. In the longterm, the opportunity has been more destructive than productive, and it has also caused them to miss out on other opportunties that might have provided more fulfillment.
Opportunities aren’t always a positive thing, and they don’t always hold the silver lining that we hope they do. Just because the door has opened to something new does not mean it will also open on something good. For a new opportunity to be truly worthwhile, it must align with our ultimate life goals or visions, it must come to us with a tolerable amount of effort, and it must not overwhelm us or deny us the achievements we crave. When we find ourselves beating our heads bloody against a wall for little more than pain, suffering and a sense of “getting by” — it’s time to reassess what we’re doing and cut ties with the opportunities that don’t suit us.
High yes vs. high no
The reason we take on more than we can handle lies in our “yes and no quotients”, and the automatic responses we use in relation to our fears and assumptions of other people and what they want from us. Your “high yes” or “high no” quotient determines what you take on and why. Using that knowledge can go a long way in freeing you from the compulsive need to accept everything life throws your way.
High yes
“High yes” people can often be seen as your typical over-achievers. They like to be recognized as team players, and they like to show their value, prove themselves and scream to the world that that they can “do it all”. The high yes person might volunteer to serve, and frequently offer themselves up to be the emotional container for everyone around them — because they’re good at listening and giving support. They can’t let go of any opportunities, because they see the good in everyone. The downside? They can suffer from a high rate of burnout.
High no
At the opposite end of the spectrum, there is the “high no” person — a somewhat rarer bird, but relatively as unhappy nonetheless. The high no person has no problem turning down opportunities, and frequently refuses to take on anything but the bare minimum responsibility; whether that comes to work or it comes to their personal relationships. At the same time, however, they might deny themselves too many opportunities because they suffer from fear, insecurities or a lack of confidence. They don’t get considered for opportunities in the first place, because they’re frequently too down on themselves to put their strengths out there in any real way.
Signs you’ve hit a tipping point.
There are a number of signs that reveal whether or not a new opportunity is a good fit. Only when the experiences we take-on align with who we are, what we want from the future, and the plan we have for our lives — do they truly contribute to our longterm happiness. Know the signs of when you’ve hit a tipping point so that you know when to let go of the opportunities that don’t suit you.
End results don’t match
If the end result of this new opportunity doesn’t align with what you ultimately want for your life, then there’s little point in spending the time and energy it will take to see it through. Even if a new horizon is good for us, odds are, it will still take a lot of work and a lot of overcoming to achieve. We only have a limited time on this planet, and we only have a limited amount of energy and effort in our bodies. If the end result of what you’re taking on is world’s removed from where you actually want to go — it’s only going to force you further down the rabbit hole.
Achievements are minimal
Another sign you might be jumping into something that isn’t meant for you is a stunning lack of achievements. While not all of us are meant for a spotlight, we all want to be acknowledged and rewarded for our hard work (in our own ways). If you aren’t getting the credit you’re due, it’s going to cause you to doubt yourself and start to question who you are and what you’re doing. Opportunities that don’t offer us a chance to grow and move forward aren’t really opportunities — they’re sidetracks.
Next steps are complicated
Hazy or complicated futures are always a sign that an opportunity is more of a risk than it might be worth. When something is truly worthwhile, there is a clear path forward (relatively) and there is a clear set of end goals or rewards in sight. That is to say, from the jump, you have a clear sense of what you’re getting into and what the realistic rewards, or consequences, might be. Anything else is jumping in blind. And that’s a gamble, not an opportunity.
Overwhelm everywhere
Being overwhelmed, burnt-out or feeling hopeless isn’t noble, and it certainly isn’t a sign of certain success. When we’re overwhelmed we can’t access our authentic self, and we can’t make the appropriate decisions that are truly aligned with our sense of purpose. Overwhelm is always a sign that something is off and something is wrong. Rather than adding on by taking on more responsibility or more of a work load, it means it’s time to start subtracting things from the equation…including “opportunities” that might promise you the world.
How to turn down a new opportunity (without burning bridges).
Just because you need to let go of a new opportunity does not mean that you have to burn bridges along with it. We can let go of the things that do not suit us gracefully and in phases, as long as we commit to the process and remain honest with ourselves and others.
1. Make deferrals your best friend
When you’re looking to turn down a new opportunity, or bow elegantly out of something that is not quite what you thought it would be — one of the best techniques you can utilize is the deferral. The deferral isn’t a “no” and that’s what’s so great about it. Rather than stepping away completely from a new opportunity, you can defer it until later with a quick and easy reply that keeps everyone happy.
If you’ve been approached about some new chance at work or in your personal life, take some time to really consider the full extent of its effects before taking it on. If it looks like something that you could fit in (just not right now), be candid about that and break out the time-treasured “I’m a little too busy right now, but if you follow up later I’ll give it a shot.”
Deferrals are great for small-time opportunities or tasks that bear little critical important on your day-to-day function. When your availability is the only obstacle — or you just need some extra time to gather the facts and prepare yourself — deferrals are great. But they aren’t always appropriate and they aren’t always the technique that we really want to utilize. Sometimes, rather than walking away from a new opportunity temporarily, we need to walk away from it entirely or pass it on to someone else.
2. Figure out introductions
Temporary deferrals are great, but they don’t always solve the problem. Whether we’re in a new role that’s not a great fit, or someone has approached us with something that we’re just not that interested in, introductions are a great way to turn down opportunities without burning bridges. It’s a win-win solution in a number of ways, and one that can’t really be viewed in a negative life.
Introductions happen when someone offers us something, and then we turn it down only to point them in the direction of someone who can help them with their issue (or someone who is more qualified / has more time and availability). Rather than giving them a flat “no” you give them a “no, but…” Not only does it soften the blow, it shows that you’re coming from a genuine and caring place with that no.
If you’ve been offered something new, but you know that it won’t be the right fit for your goals and vision — take some time before turning it down and use that time to source someone who might be better able to take advantage of it. Likewise, you can also make an offer to do something else that’s more in-line with what you want to do, and introduce the offerer to a new perspective or a new way of doing things.
3. Spread out the pressure
Found yourself in place where you know you’re going to have to say no, or walk away from something that you initially thought would solve all your problems? Looking someone in the eye and telling them “thanks, but no thanks” is never easy, but it can be alleviated by spreading out the pressure. While not always appropriate, when we use the help of friends, family or co-workers as moral support, it can often make the action that much easier. We can also space our denials out in stages, allowing ourselves to breathe between each.
Turning something down — while sometimes handled best like an old band-aid — can also require nuance and taking your time. The first thing that must be done is preparing yourself mentally and emotionally, which requires getting space and and honest handle on where you’re at and how you want to proceed.
Once you’ve had enough time to think about what you want to do, you can carry through your decision into the next phase, which requires action. Choosing a time and space that makes you feel confident and secure, you can schedule a time to have an honest conversation about the other person’s offer and what you want to do. In many situations, this can (and should) also be done in the presence of a trusted friend or co-worker, who can give you emotional support, but also provide potential feedback.
4. Think before you reply
Thinking things through fully is the key to success, but it can often get lost when we’re rushing through the endless pressures of day-to-day life. Before making any decision, we should think not only through the potential benefits or repercussions, but also through the longterm and short terms impacts on us, our loved ones and the futures and social lives we are trying to build.
Before you ever accept or deny an opportunity, it’s critical that you give yourself enough time to fully think it through. At the same time, you should give yourself enough time to analyze your true emotions and thoughts surrounding the new potential chance.
This isn’t something that should just end when the door opens. It’s imperative that we regularly take our emotional temperatures and continually compare where we’re going against the direction we want to take. It would be a poor seaman that only looked at his compass at the start of a journey and the end. We have to regularly check in on ourselves and make sure the opportunities we take-on are truly aligned with where we’re meant to be.
5. Find a compromise
Sometimes, opportunities aren’t just important to us — they’re important to the people who offer them to us or open the door. People who offer us a genuine chance want to be recognized, just as much as we do, and they often need us to take advantage of their offer for their own wellbeing. That’s why, sometimes, it’s important to find a compromise rather than outright denying the chance altogether.
If you’ve fallen into something that isn’t the right fit (or you’ve been offered something by a friend or colleague that doesn’t look like it will work) stick to your boundaries, but try to find a middle ground where you can make some kind of compromise that doesn’t burn the bridge between your working relationship or your partnership.
Give them a minimal commitment, and let them know that you’d be happy to get them going in the right direction, but let them also know that you don’t know if this new opportunity is the right fit for you. When it comes to a professional setting, many employers are happy to take this explanation in exchange for a temporary trial. Or, you might even end up finding that things work out better than expected. Either way, being upfront is key and maintaining that honesty throughout is critical.
6. Be honest and respectful
In today’s society, honesty seems to mean less and less…but it’s a crucial part of finding happiness and it’s a crucial part of learning how to keep our lives in-line with our authentic values. That is why, no matter what you decide to do with a new opportunity or offer, it’s important to maintain your honesty and your integrity. Likewise, respect will get you everywhere and openly entirely new and unexpected doors when you stick to it faithfully.
However you decide to handle your new opportunity, focus on being honest and respectful from the time you start considerations to the time you deliver your final response. Remove yourself from your emotions (after addressing them earnestly) and understand that you will have to look back on this moment in ten years and relive it for what it was and who you were.
Burning bridges happens when we lose sight of our values, but it also happens when we don’t give the respect that we think we deserve. No matter what the response is to your turning-down of an exciting new venture, stick to your guns and don’t rise to anger, sadness or other forms of emotional reaction. View everything from a removed place and imagine that every image you’re seeing now were to played back on a big screen at your funeral. Would you be embarrassed by the way you said no? Were all your words and actions necessary? If you’re honest and respectful at all times, the answers will be easy enough to come to.
Putting it all together…
Although we’ve been conditioned to think that all new opportunities are a good thing, sometimes they aren’t the right fit and actually make us more unhappy in the longterm. In those instances, it’s important to maintain our honesty and our integrity, and politely decline them in ways that don’t completely destroy our future options. That all comes down to knowing yourself, however, and knowing when you’re at the tipping point and ready for a clean slate.
If you’re not ready to take on a new opportunity, defer until later and make a plan to make space when you’re in a better place and time. At the same time, if the new chance just isn’t a good fit, consider if you know anyone who would be a good fit, and practice the art of introductions to show that you are appreciative and grateful that you were considered. Spreading out the pressure can be another great way of handling the situation with grace, and ensuring you don’t burn the bridges you might one day rely on to come back to yourself. Whatever you decide to do, it’s critical that you take time to think fully through how it will or is impacting your life, and how changing that circumstance might add or detract from your visions of the future. Sometimes, it’s possible to find a middle way that opens up new avenues of opportunity that are more fulfilling and in-line with where we’re going. Not all opportunities are for us, and that’s okay. Take this sign and honestly and confidently as the message you’ve been waiting for. That opportunity isn’t for you, and it never will be. Close the door.
