Letting Go of a Relationship Fantasy Hurts Like Hell

Coming to terms with the reality that you created a fantasy about your relationship and partner can be traumatic and devastating.

I was so in love.

In the beginning.

And for many years.

Head. Over. Heels.

My first love.

I believed anything was possible. I told myself that unresolved arguments would eventually be resolved. I convinced myself that repeated silent treatment, stonewalling, and inconsistency would eventually be met with sincere apologies and the earnest desire to show up for me.

I was sure that disinterest would someday (re-)ignite into wild, passionate recognition. I would be fully seen by my partner.

I was certain that if I was more patient, did more, took on more responsibilities that somehow my partner would show up for me. See me. Understand me. Hear me. Actually care to know what makes me tick and understand what makes me come alive.

I was certain my partner would naturally want to connect with me.

I was sure my partner could change — would change.

Somehow along the way I created a fiction. A fantasy of my relationship and of my partner. It was all good… enough.

My partner was good enough.

Both my relationship and partner would get better in time. I would get better, too. I would feel happier in the relationship — and with my partner. It was okay to overlook things.

My partner was a good person. A good parent. My partner just missed the mark sometimes — well, a lot of the times.

But still…

The relationship — and my partner — were both worth patience, forgiveness, and me not making a big deal out of things, even if they hurt me, confused me, frightened me, or felt uncomfortably off.

Then the fantasy came crashing down hard. And fast.

I came to see that the relationship and that person didn’t exist. Neither ever did. The only place they existed were in my mind.

My mind… I, actually…created a fantasy to protect my heart.

To protect my children.

To protect my investment in another person and long-term relationship.

To protect shared history and years committed to my partner — years of giving up my own dreams and making sacrifices to ensure my partner’s own goals and dreams were met.

To protect the love and dedication I carried for my partner.

This fantasy took hold of me. I believed it like it was truth. Like it existed and was real.

The Pain of Letting Go — Goodbye Fantasy Love

Letting go of a fantasy you’ve held in your head about the person you’ve called yours can be heartbreaking. Not only will they never be that person you want them to be (or that relationship be what you hoped it could be), but your hopes, dreams, and plans will never come true.

Coming to terms with this reality can hurt like hell.

It can feel devastating to accept that the past no longer exists. And gut-wrenching to accept that the future fantasy you’ve created in your head is a false reality and doesn’t exist because it hasn’t yet been created.

It’s not true. It’s not real.

It’s an illusion. A myth.

To know and accept that it is in this present moment — that how our relationship is or how a partner (or ex) appears right now — is what actually exists, can be overwhelming and uncomfortable to process and work through.

However, it’s in the present and not in the fantasy where we can trust what’s real. It’s where we can evaluate and know what our relationship is really like — and who our partner really is or how they are choosing to show up.

Grieving the loss of the fantasy though isn’t easy.

Letting go hurts.

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j.j. wolfe ♥