5 Signs He’s Not Ever Going to Change and It’s Finally Time to Let Him Go

*Author’s Note: he/him could be substituted by she/they

Yes, you love him, but it’s time for you to love yourself more.

A friend of mine spent over twenty years in a marriage believing her husband would show up for her, eventually.

She was so in love with this man, at least in the beginning.

She was willing to compromise herself for him. She was willing to forgive him repeatedly when he hurt her and when he let her down. She offered apologies when she had done nothing wrong. She tried more.

She went to bed empty, depleted, and lonely most nights, even when he slept soundly beside her in the same bed. She woke up most mornings with renewed optimism that the new day before her could finally be the day that he would see her, hear her, understand her, and give her the safe harbor she needed. She believed she could help make it happen — that she could help him rise up to meet her needs.

If she loved a little bit harder.

If she took care of him more.

If she made his favorite dinner more frequently.

If she forgave him more for his transgressions, lies, and hurtful behavior.

If she spoke less and listened more.

Sometimes though, as heartbreaking as it may be to acknowledge or accept, he’s not ever going to change.

He might come close to showing up in the way you need him to do at times (perhaps when it’s convenient for him) — or he might show up for a short period of time (like when he thinks you might leave him or feels threatened by another man) — but somehow it never quite stays, or stays consistent.

As difficult, stressful, or sad as it may be, letting him go may be the only way you find happiness. Here are five signs that it might be time.

5 Signs He’s Not Ever Going to Change and It’s Finally Time to Let Him Go

1. He Stonewalls.

Stonewalling is when someone intentionally shuts down during an argument, refuses to talk, walks away without communicating their desire to continue the discussion at a later point after needing space, refuses to communicate, or gives the silent treatment. It’s a big relationship red flag.

While the person doing the stonewalling might not be doing it intentionally to hurt the other person, and it may come from their own fear, anxiety, unhealed childhood traumas, or feelings of overwhelm, it’s still not excusable. After all, as adults we’re responsible for our own behavior.

Stonewalling is not a form of loving communication. Sometimes when we love someone hard, it can be easy to justify a partner’s stonewalling behavior. However, it’s not our job to make excuses for someone else’s behavior.

The end result of stonewalling, however, is the same: the other person can feel hurt, lonely, emotionally damaged, and it can slowly erode or destroy a relationship over time.

2. He Keeps Score.

Scorekeeping, a tit for tat attitude, retaliation, or competitiveness is not a good sign for a lasting, healthy relationship.

In effect, tit for tat is about trying to prove a point and score wins. It’s far from a we’re on the same team approach. This behavior makes it seem like the score keeper knows best; and that’s what the score keeper might even be thinking in the first place. Tit for tat is a power play by someone who is prioritizing power and control over you or the relationship.

For example, the score keeper might say things like you hurt me, so I was justified in hurting you or you owe me.

Love and emotional intimacy isn’t a game. You and your partner are supposed to be on the same team, moving together in the same direction toward a common goal. Both of you are supposed to win together. There’s not supposed to be a winner and a loser in a healthy relationship.

3. He Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries.

Not respecting your boundaries is a mega red flag. This may not always seem obvious, especially early on in the relationship.

Boundaries that we set are meant to protect us, our time, our space, and our energy, for example. In loving partnerships, partners naturally want to respect each other and do what they can to contribute to the other’s happiness and well-being. Disrespecting your boundaries or limits, especially when it becomes a pattern, is another sign that your partner isn’t going to change anytime soon.

4. He Lashes Out Big Time.

Lashing out, name calling, hostile behavior, blame-shifting, deflecting fault onto a partner instead of owning up to one’s actions is unhealthy communication and doesn’t bode well for a satisfying, healthy, and happy relationship.

If your partner habitually upsets you and then acts like they’re the victim, or minimizes and/or invalidates your feelings, it’s time to seriously think about cutting your losses and moving on.

5. He’s Only Interested in Himself.

Sometimes it is apparent when one partner is only interested in themselves, displays self-centered or controlling tendencies, is inconsiderate, or intentionally keeps the focus on themselves at a cost to you.

For example, they might not show up as a true partner, or reciprocate the effort in the relationship. Sometimes you might not notice their self-centered or narcissistic ways, but friends or family might.

Other times this self-interest is insidious; you might even find yourself justifying it, especially when it seems subtle or explainable. For example, a partner who prioritizes work and networking with colleagues over spending time with you may claim their behavior is to take care of you (and the family) financially, but in reality, they are choosing what they ultimately want to do for themselves; their decision is to look out for themselves and their own priorities first — and sadly, these priorities aren’t you.

Cutting Your Losses and Moving On

Many of us find ourselves in a position at least once in our lives hoping a partner will change.

Of course, people can change. People can adapt.

But expecting that your partner will one day finally come through for you by making big behavioral changes is a recipe for heartbreak. And the older someone is… well, those changes might be even harder to ever see happen in your lifetime.

If you recognize any of these signs, consider it might be time to move on. One of the best choices you will probably ever make is to choose yourself. Always choose you.

And choose loving relationships that support and encourage you to exist as the best version of you.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

I’d also love you to subscribe to my list. You’ll get notified when I write next.

-j.j. wolfe ♥