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h implies variable and/or low pay.</p><p id="f9ef">It’s the worst of both galaxies: a minuscule purse full of peanuts and midnight phone calls demanding more copy, now.</p><p id="f8ed">At the very least, stop calling the job ‘writer.’ Where is your basic human decency?</p><p id="902b">Your ad makes me weep for journalism and humanity and how the wellness movement has twisted the minds of a whole generation.</p><h1 id="f28c">Stop Calling Them ‘Articles’</h1><p id="98f8">If you want four articles a day, you should call them:</p><ul><li>posts</li><li>light listicles</li><li>fleeting ideas</li><li>things I overheard at ‘Bucks</li></ul><p id="5a68">Nobody can write four decent articles a day, nor should they. It’s obvious the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson, moldy and wielding a translucent pistol, would punch you in your entitled, Gen Z faces at this suggestion.</p><p id="4419">Since he’s long dead, I’m writing this letter. To be clear, I’m not inciting violence, unless you are up for a sword fight.</p><h1 id="b636">Ideas Are Cheap AF and So Are You</h1><p id="fee9">I have an abiding theory that my number of followers would make a shoo-in for this position, but my glitches disqualify me.</p><p id="b7b7" type="7">I’m over 40 and possess one ancient pair of yoga pants, plus reading your ad made me wish I could become a sardine and live out my days swimming off the coast of Greece.</p><p id="1604">Let’s make a U-turn. I can’t wrap my head around producing two quality articles, much less four, every day — five days a week.</p><p id="e600">Wouldn’t it be easier to hire an AI robot, then edit whatever psychedelic syntax emerges from its chrome-plated brain?</p><p id="7f5c">By the way, thanks for clarifying you won’t tolerate plagiarism, because when you want a rockstar to pitch and write a minimum of four articles a day, you might find yourself with a cornucopia of unoriginal thoughts, phrases, and yes — paragraphs.</p><h1 id="dad5">Why Are Writers Treated Like Crap?</h1><p id="efeb">I’m content making about $400 a month on this platform. I wish it were more, but I’m grateful I got in on what you might call the ground floor, somewhere in the vicinity of the lobby.</p><p id="71ad">I’m prolific yet I don’t write more than six articles a week.</p><p id="42ad">Your ad cuts me to the quick. I’m deeply disoriented by our societal hatred of writers.</p><p id="170f">I know, I know — we also hate teachers and truck

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drivers, and grocery store clerks. It’s a trend called post-pandemic neocon globalization union-busting anti-intellectualism (PPNGUBAI+).</p><p id="6539">I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume someone’s tween daughter got put in charge of starting an online magazine, then hired her best friend to find writers.</p><p id="1364">Signed,</p><p id="fed9">Applicant</p><p id="c5eb">Want an email heads-up for new articles? Click Me.</p><p id="6d3e">Want to join Medium? Click Me.</p><p id="e8c4"><i>Jean Campbell recently started her first <b>Substack</b> newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, </i><b>City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Journey </b><i>published.</i></p><div id="d5bb" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/hilarious-want-ads-for-writer-71cf90ccd728"> <div> <div> <h2>Hilarious Want Ads for ‘Writer’</h2> <div><h3>Can you lead and follow at the same time?</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*qDwTfhlNHq1Sg0Ey)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="f694" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-1-belly-fat-trick-revealed-bd2113185259"> <div> <div> <h2>The #1 Belly Fat Trick Revealed</h2> <div><h3>It’s the sugar, but then you knew that</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*TgStOEbQBncz3hJB)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="2cab" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/lets-scrap-voting-altogether-eaf173d6df98"> <div> <div> <h2>Let’s Scrap Voting Altogether</h2> <div><h3>Reality TV is a much better way to elect our leaders</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*NAj76ixq-z-7sUsV)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Letter to Lousy Lifestyle Pub

Keywords and key phrases and key insults for SEO

To Unique Lifestyle Publication Brand,

What if Shakespeare wrote listicles? Would you hire him, if he agreed to trade in his tights for yoga pants?

Are you a hiring committee or a swollen parcel of dropsies? Your quest for a remote, work-from-home writer who will accept $25 an hour to produce four articles a day is beyond the pale.

Furthermore, I hope your pub goes up in flames and burns to cinders this very day.

I’m tempted to use an exclamation mark, but I still pride myself on word choice.

The English language in post-Shakespearean times does not include enough insults to describe the offensive soul of your hideous want-ad.

Thus, I must get medieval.

Lemme get this straight, dunderheads — you’re looking for someone to write four well-researched articles on trendy topics per day, to include images and additional pitches?

And for this, you’ll allow some lifestyle maven slash poet to work from home?

Yeah, I went to your website. I saw what you do, and when I looked closer I spied Satan’s forked tongue, flickering against the airbrushed image of a waif in clingy workout duds.

Stop Beating Around the Vegetation

Have the honesty to say what you really want:

We crave a 21 to 33-year-old female who is an expert in eyebrow sculpting with a hereditary penchant for yoga pants, who can recite the recipe for a pumpkin spiced latte, with at least a master’s degree in fitness, veganism, and/or cosmetology.

The full job description says you want a staff writer, then follows with “self-publisher.” Which is it?

You. Can’t. Have. Both.

Apparently, you pigeon-livered, elf-skinned, rump-fed runions are combining a staff position, which implies benefits, with a freelance copywriting job, which implies variable and/or low pay.

It’s the worst of both galaxies: a minuscule purse full of peanuts and midnight phone calls demanding more copy, now.

At the very least, stop calling the job ‘writer.’ Where is your basic human decency?

Your ad makes me weep for journalism and humanity and how the wellness movement has twisted the minds of a whole generation.

Stop Calling Them ‘Articles’

If you want four articles a day, you should call them:

posts
light listicles
fleeting ideas
things I overheard at ‘Bucks

Nobody can write four decent articles a day, nor should they. It’s obvious the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson, moldy and wielding a translucent pistol, would punch you in your entitled, Gen Z faces at this suggestion.

Since he’s long dead, I’m writing this letter. To be clear, I’m not inciting violence, unless you are up for a sword fight.

Ideas Are Cheap AF and So Are You

I have an abiding theory that my number of followers would make a shoo-in for this position, but my glitches disqualify me.

I’m over 40 and possess one ancient pair of yoga pants, plus reading your ad made me wish I could become a sardine and live out my days swimming off the coast of Greece.

Let’s make a U-turn. I can’t wrap my head around producing two quality articles, much less four, every day — five days a week.

Wouldn’t it be easier to hire an AI robot, then edit whatever psychedelic syntax emerges from its chrome-plated brain?

By the way, thanks for clarifying you won’t tolerate plagiarism, because when you want a rockstar to pitch and write a minimum of four articles a day, you might find yourself with a cornucopia of unoriginal thoughts, phrases, and yes — paragraphs.

Why Are Writers Treated Like Crap?

I’m content making about $400 a month on this platform. I wish it were more, but I’m grateful I got in on what you might call the ground floor, somewhere in the vicinity of the lobby.

I’m prolific yet I don’t write more than six articles a week.

Your ad cuts me to the quick. I’m deeply disoriented by our societal hatred of writers.

I know, I know — we also hate teachers and truck drivers, and grocery store clerks. It’s a trend called post-pandemic neocon globalization union-busting anti-intellectualism (PPNGUBAI+).

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume someone’s tween daughter got put in charge of starting an online magazine, then hired her best friend to find writers.

Signed,

Applicant

Want an email heads-up for new articles? Click Me.

Want to join Medium? Click Me.

Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Journey published.