THE JOBS REPORT WITH HUMOR
Hilarious Want Ads for ‘Writer’
Can you lead and follow at the same time?
Why would anyone work here, I asked myself as I sipped my second cup of coffee and some of it spilled out onto my keyboard in brown dribbles.
My jaw had fallen agape.
I guess for the benefits and highly competitive pay?
I got fired up, ready to grab my pen — supposedly more powerful than a sword — and dip it into kerosene, then light it on fire and go apply somewhere else.
I can’t quote their ad, because that would be a weird form of plagiarism, but I sure as hell can paraphrase. I shall capture the bloated spirt of the help-wanted drivel they splattered all over the interwebs!
Technical Creative SEO Writing Rock Star!
- Expected to complete 8 to 10 articles, 9,000–12,000 words per week
Uh, is that 10 articles of 12,000 words each, each week? The math is fuzzy but that can’t be correct. Even Hunter S. Thompson high on six different drugs couldn’t churn out 120,000 words a week.
Ten articles a week of any size sounds exhausting, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume they want a minimum of 8 articles, each a little over 1,000 words. That’s a buttload of keywords and key phrases, my brothers and sisters.
- Mind-blowing mash-up of small, tall, grande, and venti copy such as blogs, limericks, press releases, and horror novellas a la Stephen King
Holy f**k! Where do I sign up? Starbucks sizeology does confuse the heck out of me, but I can pivot. I’m a rockstar writer with a massive hard-on for long form writing and I yearn to live on venti-sized everything!
Let’s take a break here, because this feels too much like reading an actual help wanted ad for a remote writer.
Reading these requirements makes me want to drive to the casino and spend all afternoon on the infernal Wheel of Fortune slot machine, instead of going to the pool to swim 30 laps.
How do I, Medium writer, stay sane while applying for writing jobs? I recite this little mantra:
If they pay a living wage You must be a wizard/sage
More Incredibly Bonkers Requirements
- Focus on B2C, BnB, Be Here Now and [software of the week] across the Law Enforcement, Health, Bioengineering, Banking, AI, and Tabloid spaces
I hope you read the whole list. I threw tabloid in there because I’m sure they will ask me to write it once I’ve mastered real estate, flooring, nuclear power, and myrmecology.
- Proof, edit, and upload your copy every 48-hours for client feedback and make all requested revisions, with no upper limit to client requests. Be ready for telephone screamers.
Geez, sounds like y’all have a steady grip on your clients, amiright? I’m not saying my writing doesn’t need revising, but reading between the lines methinks this might drive me batshit, up-the-wall, nutso, bananas, over-the-infinity-edge cray-cray within the first halcyon months.
- Fresh content is due Friday by 2pm and if you don’t get it done, well, you know what happens then
Deadlines are important. So is intimidation, especially from editors towards writers. It makes us write faster and better when we are sobbing.
- A MINIMUM of 3 weekly client meetings plus in-house team huddles to receive individual and group feedback
You will stand for one hour on your right foot, slave! You shall simper before me! Stand up straight, you quaking bowl of jelly donut filling!
Our Wholly Reasonable Expectations
We feel work is a cultural as well as a remunerative experience, so let’s be clear: where and how well you fit in are the single most vital element, both in this job and in your family, community, and school.
We simply must master conformity in this journey we call Earning a Paycheck. When we overlords enslave and trap writers in our web, why only then can we all pull together in an orgy of productivity!
This company can do it all — except get more than 2.9 stars on our Glassdoor reviews.
About You, Our Potential Minion
You are on a journey to perfection, and we’ll never stop reminding you of the incontrovertible fact of life because you are imperfect. Some would say, a sinner. But let’s get into the weeds on the person we really want for this job.
Are you are practical dreamer, who comprehends what others may not? After all, even rockstar content writers have blind spots and shadow sides! Your most important task is to conquer your inner demons, regardless of your degrees, expertise, past publications, fabulous hair, or sex appeal.
If you can conquer the dreadful linearity of our doomed existence on this earth, you can write decent SEO content.
You are, above all, a machine who desires nothing less than fabulous copy, even when you are reviewing some lame Android product. You complete every task using all 13 of your mad skillz.
You constantly push yourself, and when that doesn’t work, pull yourself and/or push others. It’s not enough for you to assert dominance — you must attack the very fabric of time with the ferocity of a polar bear who is aware of his own mortality.
You are a rugged individualist and captain of your own fate, but you always know exactly the perfect moment to admit you aren’t perfect and don’t know everything and therefore need help.
You put the needs of your co-workers and overlords above your own, even if it means making a second trip to Starbucks because someone got egg whites instead of bacon-gruyere egg bites.
Compensation and Benefits
We can’t go into detail so you’ll need to trust us — despite our 2.9 Glassdoor Stars. Compensation is a highly competitive base salary plus bonus pay if you make it past the first month, worm.
We offer full medical and dental coverage after six months, but you’ll never see it because nobody makes it that far.
Why Do They Hate Writers So Much?
The world needs writers, or we wouldn’t have the magic of The Princess Bride.
Yet, I feel the ad above, which is so close to the original I’ll probably get sued for everything I own— which consists of two chihuahuas, a stray cat, an ant colony, and a 2008 Toyota Corolla — is hostile.
Wow, what a convoluted sentence.
In short, Acme Rockstar Writing Inc. doesn’t seem to like its writers.
Am I wrong? Maybe this ad is justifiably trying to weed out ne’er do wells like me, who believe in writing three posts and never, ever exceeding 4,000 words in a single week.
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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Journey published.