Let’s Scrap Voting Altogether
Reality TV is a much better way to elect our leaders
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when we elect Trump US President, then try to gain back our self-respect by installing Uncle Joe.
Uncle Joe reminds me of Jimmy Carter. He’s having terrible luck. His approval rating is currently negative 23 and dropping like the Hindenburg.
Both parties agree on one thing, however: we who are not batshit crazy, approximately 42% of America, want someone of good moral fiber.
There is a simple, time-honored method to finding that man or woman. Who am I kidding? America will never elect a woman!
And that method is ….
Naked and Afraid
It’s easy to make fun of reality TV, like shooting fish in a barrel. Yet, not all reality TV is the same. For example, you have the trashy shows like Bachelor in Paradise, which I haven’t watched but I hear all about it. It’s eye candy, what with the abs and the square jaws and the turquoise waters.
Then you have classic reality TV, like The Gong Show.
Somewhere in the middle is adventure reality TV, my jam.
Here you’ll find Amazing Race and a whole string of survivor shows.
Grizzly Adams types mock survivor shows.
“That’s fake. No one can start a fire using only a freshly caught trout and a pair of underwear!”
In truth, the History Channel has knocked it out of the park with Alone, in which you will feel like a wuss who is evolutionarily irrelevant. You may also get pointers on how to take down a musk ox with a bow and arrow.
Which brings me to the pinnacle of human entertainment. Roman gladiators have nothing on Naked and Afraid.
The Premise Is Odd, but You Get Used to It
Two people — usually a guy and gal — are driven to some godforsaken place, where they strip down and wander to a pre-determined spot to pick up their map and knife and firestarter, then awkwardly hug.
They are, of course, followed by a few cameramen, who must have some awesome stories.
It’s more tasteful than you might imagine. For example, all the naughty bits are blurred out by Blurring Professionals.
The couple trudges off to the spot on their map where they’ll be spending the next 21 days together, accompanied by voiceovers like:
“She seems nice but I’m worried she’s too skinny to survive.”
or —
“He’s hot but this macho act is gonna get old real fast.”
Viewers immediately begin assessing their odds of survival and try to predict which type of bugs will soon be eating them alive. Most of us wonder, too — could I do this? The sane among us know the answer. Fat chance.
Mental Toughness in the Buff
Invariably, one of the victims goes insane by Day 5, usually because of bugs but also due to:
— Heat and/or cold — Thirst — Full body sunburn — Nausea — Being thrown into a jungle with a personality-disordered freak
Reality TV likes big personalities, and sometimes that means people with problems.
In the end, mental toughness and positive attitude wins. Only those who have an upbeat demeanor, a consistent strategy, and work together as a team make it —except for the rare innovative hunter who kills something.
One couple got a manta ray, which fed them for weeks. Another snared a small deer. Then there were those two incredible Aussie gals who hunted in Africa and kicked butt.
Naked and Afraid is the ideal testing ground for political candidates. Instead of costly elections, primary, causcauses — which nobody understands anyway — why don’t we force the candidates to tromp naked into a forest, swim to an island, or march into a swamp?
Within a short two weeks, we would see how tough they are.
I can’t think of a single reason why this won’t work.
The long-suffering American people will get entertainment, moral certaintly, save money, and not need to get off their butts and vote — which we suck at anyway.
Final Naked Thoughts
Would Ron deSantis and Kamala Harris get along while stranded in the jungles of Belize, living on termites? I like to think they would.
I can imagine Ron and Kamala working together to solve problems. I can see Kamala giving Ron a pep talk when he comes home empty-handed from another failed hunt.
I envision Ron telling Kamala he appreciates the snake she single-handedly wrangled for their supper, even though it threatens his masculinity.
This new election scheme could unify this country. At this point, what do we have to lose, America?
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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story published.
