Crazy Old Man Wants Your Birth Control

Clarence “Condom” Thomas has a get-rich-quick scheme

What a lot of people don’t know about Clarence and his cheerful/felon bride Ginni is they will soon own the means of production for condom manufacturing on US soil.

Their plan is to control humanity through a monopoly on birth control. All the fun, practical ways to stay childfree will be outlawed. Only condoms will remain, and guess who you’ll be buying them from?

Condoms are already expensive, but by the time Clarence “Condom” Thomas and Ginni “#LuvTrump” are done, pecker caps will cost more than diabetes meds and be harder to find. Condom got his nickname because he’s been bragging about his plan to his judge buddies, but more about them later.

How can you prepare yourself for a world in which cock socks cost $45 each and only Oregon sells birth control pills?

Forget about making your own, as Condom and #LuvTrump are way ahead of you. The dynamic duo has usurped the means of production — although it’s still legal to grow a rubber tree at home. Abstinence is a joke, so throw that idea out the window.

Oddsmakers are betting Condom and #LuvTrump will also heavily market the failed “female condom,” mostly because it’s the worst invention since corsets and pantyhose.

So, you’ll have two condom options — but that’s a bit like having two old white guys to choose from for president, amiright?

Isn’t That Insider Trading?

Some say shaping the laws of the land for your personal profit is unethical and illegal, but so far neither the Courts nor Congress has been able to stop ole Condom.

How has the crazy old bastard managed to shoe-horn the rest of the right-wing nutjob Supreme Court Justices into agreement? Sure, they’re so far right they break out into a rash at the sight of a rainbow, but there’s more to the story.

You guessed it, ole Condom is blackmailing them.

He’s got photos of Amy “Coney Island” Barrett smoking reefer at a nudist colony. Then there’s the technicolor photo of Gorsuch with underage schoolgirls in the company of Jeff Epstein.

Condom caught Brett “Giant Tool” Kavanaugh watching Ru Paul’s drag race with his kids. But worst of all is the dirt Condom and #LuvTrump gathered on Sam Alito. They dug up Super8 film footage of Sam at a Rainbow Gathering from 1981, eating granola with almond milk, while in the company of a smokin’ hot Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Blackmail works, and Condom has an iron group on the courts so the rest of us who can still get pregnant are going to pay. These two assclowns are poised to rake in massive profits because people still like having sex.

Tex-Ok-Ar-Miz

The region that spans roughly El Paso to Little Rock is about to become ground zero for condom factories, but opening your own dispensary won’t be as easy as selling CBD on the street corner.

Legal experts warn of much more bureaucratic red tape. For example, you can’t sell weed (legally) within 100 feet of a school or liquor store, but condom dispensaries will be so tightly regulated you can’t peddle rubbers within 100 feet of a paved street or tree over six feet tall.

This hasn’t stopped entrepreneurs from scouting prime commercial real estate in Texokarmiz, AKA the Stone Age States.

Wall Street is whispering about Oklahoma as the new condom capital of the world, owing to plentiful dirt roads surrounded by stunted shrubbery.

Investors are on Zoom as we speak, tracking down the raw materials for condoms.

The Shark Tank panel has already invested in a vegan, recyclable, fair-trade condom.

Crazy Old Men vs. Angry Women

In the ultimate showdown, hordes of pissed-off ladies are plotting against Condom and #LuvTrump.

Angry women have been raging against crazy old men since we were forced to wear chastity belts, but recently began making progress:

— MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). This is why we have checkpoints, breathalyzers, and jail for drunk drivers. Before MADD, most people drove while guzzling Budweiser.

— DNA testing. Before women began demanding justice, DNA was just a theory. The Oxygen Channel and Forensics Files rule!

— Liquor taxes. Remember the Temperance Movement? Angry wives brought us moonshine, the rise of the Kennedys, and overpriced booze. Liquor taxes fund everything except missiles and public education.

— Watergate. Bernstein and that other guy covered it, sure, but Nixon only resigned because Pat made it clear there would no more games of hide the salami unless they moved back to Cali.

We Will Get Medieval on Your Wrinkly Asses

Since Condom is blackmailing his colleagues, we are now all Condom’s bitches. But randy and horny Americans who want to avoid parenthood must unite! #randyandhornyAmericanswhowanttoavoidparenthood

It’s true that our government is letting Big Pharma gouge families who need to buy insulin (currently running $400 a month for the average diabetic) and it’s a fact that blood thinners, statins, and other vital medicines continue to get more expensive by the hour.

We got used to that, like frogs in warm water cranked up to a boil.

But it’s a whole ‘nother story when you try to take things away from Americans, like good jobs and birth control.

The ladies will find your weakness, Condom and #LuvTrump. The ladies won’t abide crazy old men and their fake-cheerful wives.

And what about all the guys who hate wearing condoms? Have you thought about them?

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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story published.