Let’s Have Sex!

Time to go balls-out, people.

This morning, as I eye-rolled through the plethora of vapid “How to be Wet-Your-Pants Successful on Medium” stories, I had an epiphany! So powerful in fact, that I nearly spit up my coffee. But that would have been a waste considering the expensive collagen and protein powders that anoint my morning brew.

Oh, what a woman will do to retain her youthful glow!

In case you’re interested, here’s my takeaway from the above-mentioned articles: If we want to achieve success on Medium, just keep writing. Yes, people! Just write. And when you’re done, write some more, dammit. Write until you keel over and start to stink like the Orange Fuhrer after one too many cheeseburgers. Or, after a roll in the hay with…himself.

Stupidly, I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to write “from the heart,” when really, writing “from the groin” is the ticket to orgasm-inducing readership and big bucks!

I’ve been conducting my own very non-scientific research and sex is big stuff here on Medium. Stories about all manner of sexual congress are enthusiastically received. Plain old married sex. Masturbation. Three-ways. Orgies. Sex in cars, on toilet seats, in amber waves of grain. So far, the only sex that hasn’t been covered on this platform is bestiality.

You should know I threw up in my mouth a little just writing that.

If a story about screwing a goat ever appears here, then…I’m done. Although, considering how often and how many animals are abused in our society, nothing would surprise me.

Admittedly, many stories about sex are fun to read. Titillating, even. I imagine myself a fly on a bedroom ceiling, gazing down with my five eyes on some hapless couple as they work themselves up into a leg-shaking lather.

But even flies get bored. “Come already, Goddammit, or I’m out of here! I’ve got shit to land on!”

Note my usage of “come” as opposed to the more commonly used “cum.” Much classier, don’t you think? I mean, we don’t say, “After six and a half hours of Tantric sex, Sting finally cummed.” No. Sting came.

Anyway, because hindsight is always best, now I’m thinking I should have been writing under a pen name this whole time, but hey — screw it! To quote my seriously-buff hero, Popeye, “I yam what I yam.”

Yep. Writing from the heart apparently doesn’t appeal to my “readership.” My story, “Is this Cheating?” died an early death and yes, I’m going to bury it.

What was I thinking? Especially when there was no actual sex involved. I probably should have fabricated a hot time in the back seat of a car somewhere. Full finger-fucking. Knuckles and all. The whole shebang. But, like an idiot, I told the truth. My bad.

And, although it’s too early to tell, I’m guessing my story about where your plastic-wrapped pork loin actually comes from will quietly expire, as well. (That doesn’t deter me. There’s still going to be a Part 2, so suck it, friends.)

This new idea of we writers engaging in sex here on Medium isn’t exactly coming out of the blue as there are admittedly, scribes on this site who I wouldn’t mind getting down with. If I were that type of person. Which I’m not.

After all, I wouldn’t want to do or suggest anything untoward.

And, not being an idiot, I realize that the only type of sex we could all have here is virtual. Beats a poke in the eye though, right?

This is what I was thinking: We could start a publication devoted entirely to virtual hookups here on Medium. Working title: P.S. I’ll F*ck You.

Imagine the possibilities. No worries about STDs or unwanted pregnancies or damaged relationships. Just pure, “adulterated” fun right here in Medium Land!

We could write stories in pairs, in groups, whatever floats our collective boat. Men with women. Women with women. Men with men. It doesn’t matter. The caveat. Make it real…be authentic…so at the end of the read, we’re sweating, we’re trembling, we’re moaning and groaning and gasping. You know, “coming.” (Not “cumming,” although I suppose that’s up to you guys.)

I’m pretty excited about this. I think we could make a statement. I have no idea what that would be but I’m certain we could do it!

Hopefully, Medium would get behind this endeavor. But one never knows. The only way we’ll find out is to try it.

So who’s with me? Who’s ready to get it on? I’m counting on my friends here to get the balls rolling. So to speak. And you know who you are. Other than that, I have nothing left to add but this:

P.S. I’ll F*ck You.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

As always, thanks for reading. I hope you took this story in the spirit of which it was intended. From the groin…uh…heart. And a good laugh never hurts. If you’re up for more:

And please check out (and follow) my pubs, Rogues’ Gallery and The Militant, which is co-edited by the wonderful Stephen Sovie.