“I Just Left the Nail Salon, Officer!”

Why does getting “pulled over” render us senseless?

My sister and I have a standing date: Every three weeks or so we get our nails done together. It’s “our time,” and we love it.

Manicures and pedicures are a splurge for me as the only money I’m currently making comes from my participation in the Medium Partner Program. But, keeping up appearances is important to me. Nice nails make me feel good. And, because I am “ambidexterally” challenged, doing them myself is not an option. Without fail, every time I try, I make a mangled mess of things.

And I can’t see my toes well enough to even take a shot at those babies. So that’s a non-starter.

This past Tuesday, the day of our appointment, I wasn’t really feeling it. I was dragging ass, and getting over a bad reaction from a prescription pain-killer. But I’d skipped the last manicure so I decided to go. If nothing else, my nails would be ready for their close-up, even if I wasn’t.

As usual, the gals who run the salon were warm and welcoming. I left there as I usually do, with a fistful of Dove chocolates from their candy dish. When I get home, I toss those babies in the freezer and whenever I need a chocolate fix — I pluck one out.

The night was dark, raw and wet. I climbed into my Chocolate Kiss (my metallic-brown Fiat) and started for home.

Radio cranked, I bopped along to Chicago’s premier rock station, WXRT.

I was on the road for about two minutes when the flashing lights in my rearview mirror nearly blinded me.

Holy shit! It was a cop!

My heart pounded in my chest like it was going to explode. He was right on my ass and I wasn’t sure if he was after me, or merely wanted to get around me in order to chase down some other poor schmuck, as that had happened to me before.

Like an ass, instead of pulling over, I stopped dead cold. In the left lane. I was quite literally frozen to the spot.

The lights. Oh my God. Have they gotten brighter? It was if the whole squad car was lit up — flashers everywhere. I wonder how many people have gone into cardiac arrest because of those fucking lights?

When I didn’t move, the cop blared his horn. He laid on the thing and that was enough to rouse me from my mini coma.

I finally deduced that I need to pull off onto the right side of the road somewhere. So, shaking, I pulled back into traffic and managed to slide into the driveway of an apartment complex.

Still, I couldn’t figure out what the hell I had done wrong. I know I was driving below the speed limit as night-driving has become a pain in the ass for me. And thanks to the magic of Medium, you can read about it right now!

The cop pulled up behind me and got out of his car. I already had the window down and was bleating, “What did I do, officer?!”

He was a fresh-faced young dude. Pleasant-looking enough so I started to calm down.

Our exchange was scintillating:

“You didn’t have your lights on, “Ma’am.”

My unforgettable retort:

“I just left the nail salon!”

I flashed my hands at him for good measure. ‘OPI, Big Apple Red.”

He was unimpressed but I noted the hint of a smile. Or was that a smirk?

I couldn’t believe my stupidity. WTF would this cop care that I’d just had my nails done?

We went through the drill. He checked my license and then asked for my insurance card.

I handed him my Geico card.

“Uh…this is slightly expired,” he said.

I started fishing around in my bag.

“I know I have the good one, somewhere…”

He waved that away.

“It’s ok. Just turn your lights on. You have a dark car and I don’t want anyone slamming into you.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked him profusely. Certainly, I was sufficiently obsequious. The verbal equivalent of a blow job.

As the (really cute) cop strode back to his squad, I hit him with the big one:

“I really ought to know better as my nephew is a police officer.” (No bullshit.)

“Oh, is that so?” the cop replied. And then he was gone.

Yeah. I’m nothing if not fast on my feet.

How about you? Ever been pulled over by a cop? What did you do…say? Feel free to share.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

As always, thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this story, you might also like the following:

And please check out the other great writers in my pub, Rogues’ Gallery.