Lessons Learned After Recording My Breakup

I’m not who I thought I was.

Do you ever leave an argument or discussion so sure about what was said? Or the way you came across?

I thought I had near-photographic memory when it came to important discussions. I was wrong.

For months I’ve prattled on about my relationship with Thomas. He promised last month that he’d finally divorce his wife. When he hadn’t done it after the deadline, I knew it was officially time to break up.

In the past, I’d cave when setting boundaries with men. This time, I recorded the conversation. If things went awry, I needed to know where I was bamboozled or lost my nerve.

After listening to the conversation, I learned more about myself than I have in years of therapy.

Before anyone comes at me for recording the conversation, chill. “Thomas” isn’t his real name. There’s nothing identifiable. I made changes when necessary. I deleted the conversation after I typed it. Considering that I’ve gone into detail about multiple guys’ dicks, impotence, and my ex-husband’s massage parlor “happy endings”, a breakup conversation isn’t something y’all should come after me about. As far as anyone is concerned, it could be fiction.

I ramble on. And on. And on.

When arguing with my ex-husband Joseph, he often complained that I continuously drove a point home and wouldn’t stop. My reply was how I needed to make sure he understood my point of view or what I was trying to convey.

Listening to myself, I realized that I wasn’t retelling the subject in different ways for it to be better understood. The words were the same. Repeated over and over at different times.

I need to cut that shit out. It didn’t come across like I was educating him. Instead, it sounded like a verbal bat smacked repeatedly into our conversation.

Do I even speak English?

Since I don’t have conversations with myself, my only way to “hear” myself is through writing. I’m a writer by trade and my writings are frequently curated by the omnipotent Medium Lords-That-Be.

Words are my jam.

Except when spoken.

In the breakup, I sounded like a drunk baboon. I often double-checked what I transcribed because I couldn’t believe that I’d use the same word three times in a sentence. Or I’d say things that sounded smart in my head but dumb as lard when spoken, like “self-introspection” (all introspection is self-introspection).

I’m hoping my lack of proper grammar and words was from the emotions and not my inability to speak English. If that’s how I sound in meetings, then it’s shocking I’m still employed.

I carried over my marital style of arguing with someone new

Listening to the audio, I’m the only one who yelled. I’m the only one who cried. I’m the only one who got loud. I’m the only one who was sarcastic. I’m the only one who slung insults (I told Thomas in my eyes, he was a pussy). The latter isn’t something I typically do but in my defense, he agreed with me.

Thomas on the other hand was fantastic. He didn’t spin anything my way that wasn’t deserved. He barely deflected onto anyone else. Accepting full blame for dropping the ball, he apologized and asked if there was anything he could do to repair the problem. Despite the emotional nature of the conversation, Thomas kept his cool.

What the fresh hell is that mature and grown-up nonsense?

I heard in the audio my years of arguments with Joseph. Anytime I brought up a concern, it was spun around and conversations ended with me being the one apologizing. Eventually, I stopped telling him when I was upset because it only resulted in follow-up tasks for me to make him feel better.

Going forward, I need to give others the benefit of the doubt. There is no need to immediately launch Trial Lawyer Mode. I need to trust that saying, “this hurts me” is enough to make the other person care.

If my partner is more interested in spinning my hurt back on me and not on how they can make things better, then the conversation shouldn’t happen. It’s pointless.

I’m still learning how to stand up for myself and my boundaries

In my marriage, standing up for myself meant playing defense lawyer when Joseph accused me of something I didn’t do, like waving a piece of paper in his face when looking at my son’s textbook list.

Typically, if I’m the one who came to him with something that hurt me, it would lead to an argument about my approach in telling him that something hurt me. My tone would be wrong. I came across as hostile. I was too confrontational. I had nefarious thoughts.

It rarely led to a resolution about the topic itself that I wanted to discuss. It became easier to dig my nails into the palms of my hands than to say, “I’m really upset that this happened and I’d like to talk about it.”

With Thomas, I knew my concern over his lack of divorce was valid. I still had to mentally amp myself up (including writing out a Medium article about it) to get the balls and address it. He was separated when we met but his wife moved back in during our relationship. For months he pushed for more commitment, which shoved me further away because I resented his lack of action with divorce.

When he tried making excuses, I pushed back. It took a lot of mental effort but I maintained my stance that I wasn’t going to accept bullshit excuses or give further leniency. The outcome in my mind was clear: this relationship must end because he needs to get his life together. I’m not waiting around. I’m not making future promises. I’m not caving and accepting immediate change only because I lit myself on fire.

Thomas also tried to pull the “you promised we’d still stay friends if we ever broke up” card. In the past, I would have nodded to avoid further discomfort. This time, I insisted friendship was off the table. Thomas needs to focus on fixing his life and not a friendship with me.

I only want someone who is relationship-ready out of the box. Nothing less. Nor will I tolerate a guy sliding backward to the point that his current wife moves into his tiny condo for them to constantly bump into each other. Forward is the only acceptable direction.

I get relationship amnesia

While I complained about Thomas in my Medium writings, things for the most part were pretty good. I struggled not knowing if I was lowering my standard being with a guy who wouldn’t file for divorce and spent his money like a teenager, or if I should feel grateful that I found a guy with a good heart who adored me.

My Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style is to bail the instant I see a microscopic flaw. I’m still learning what are valid concerns versus what’s petty.

In the days after the breakup, my mind lingered on the conversation. Thomas was a sweetheart down to the final minute while I subconsciously threw my historical relationship baggage on him.

My brain switches to He-Was-Amazing Regret Mode. I think of his eyes lighting up as I walk into the room. His need to physically protect me is both comforting and hot AF. He’s one of the most charitable guys I’ve ever met, considering he’s borderline poverty level. When we go out, he’s charming and polite to everyone. Homeboy knows how to dress like a business Ken doll.

Thankfully, I caught my Relationship Amnesia within two days of the breakup. Thomas is a fucking child when it comes to finances. He stalled on divorcing his wife. He has zero career ambitions beyond his current shitty job. His jokes bordered on immature. I’ve never met anyone who drank as much as him and as frequently without ending up in AA or the hospital. Almost all humor infused into the relationship came from my brilliantly witty (but not humble) brain; he rarely made me laugh.

Thomas was also incessantly trying to get my commitment which left me struggling to appropriately pace our situation. I told him repeatedly that I didn’t like the push/pull dynamic that he said was a fun aspect of our relationship. For me, it was exhausting.

There is no regret. My amnesia is gone. While things started wonderfully, it went south until it snowballed last month. These are things I can’t forget.

Since divorcing, I’ve tried my best to acknowledge my historical patterns and change them.

I’m not always successful (such as sticking around too long because I fear my Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style is making me run prematurely) but hearing myself from an outside vantage point opened my eyes to future self-improvement opportunities.

Thomas texted me for the first time today since the breakup. He told me that when the divorce is over, he’s going to try and win me back. He said that I’m a catch (bless his emotional blindness) and that I’ll find someone new before his life is sorted out. In the past, I would have played the game of imaginary future talk. Instead, I reminded him his focus is on his life and not on me. End of discussion.

I still have his flannel shirt and a tie (once used to bind my wrists together…sigh, I’ll miss his bedroom skills). I’m not using it as an excuse to meet up one last time to drag this out. Tomorrow, I’m putting them in an envelope and mailing it.

And with that, my relationship with Thomas is over.