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be able to save up for a house if I go that route, there’s an eviction moratorium in California until September.</p><p id="4561">And yet, he gets a massive house with a fucking pool. All because his mom died and he bought comics instead of putting in his retirement.</p><p id="3dae">As expected, it didn’t go well this morning when I told him I wouldn’t be signing the Marriage Settlement Agreement. It went down a bad rabbit hole.</p><p id="e4ca">Joseph <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-think-my-ex-was-a-narcissist-f4d0cdbff647">called me a narcissist</a> because I pointed out that considering that every single Christmas vacation was spent visiting his mother and that my first Mother’s Day with both kids was traveling to see her (<i>despite begging him not to make us go</i>), I don’t even get a single dime from his inheritance. I haven’t even visited <i>my</i> mother ever on Mother’s Day. He never made an effort to see his mother any other time except on major holidays when I would have to get dragged along.</p><p id="c2d1">He gave some rant about taxes and how we agreed for him to put less in his 401k. I don’t even understand that part. It makes no sense.</p><p id="5506">Then Joseph ranted that I get 401k matching he never did. My company only matches 20% and he has worked for some big-name companies; a quick Google search tells me that he did indeed have matching of some kind.</p><p id="2584">He is also older and made more money. So he had more opportunity than I did to sock cash away, especially since I was an immigrant in my twenties starting from scratch. Joseph insisted that not all companies he worked at when he was younger had 401k options. I replied that neither did mine, which is why I put money into IRAs and other savings vehicles. He tried telling me those didn’t exist back then; an internet search tells me those were invented in 1974.</p><p id="d12c">Joseph also tried to tell me how mine grew at a faster rate because his 401ks didn’t do very well. Perhaps he could have researched his investment options regularly like a competent adult.</p><p id="0a9d">I repeatedly told him to stop yelling. Eventually, he got the best of me and I raised my voice too, especially when we went as far back as to finger point about money when we were first married. I had no debt, Joseph had $13k (<i>which I remember because I was upset that it wasn’t the$ 11k that he told me it was</i>). He said it was because of my wedding ring, which I didn’t ask for. He told me that he didn’t want an expensive wedding; I told him that our wedding was $5k, which we needed to have <i>something</i> to ensure it looked legit when filing for my green card and that any additional money spent after was for the immigration lawyer.</p><p id="a488">Joseph told me the immigration lawyer costs weren’t his problem. Like what the fuck asshole, you’re the one who wanted a wife. Making sure she can stay in the country is part of the deal.</p><p id="6947">Finally, he pulled the “you don’t care about the kids” card. I replied that he could let <i>me</i> have the house if that’s what he cared about. Joseph agreed but only if he still got to keep the same dollar value. With him getting half of my retirement and his inheritance, he can afford a massive house elsewhere.</p><p id="570e"><b>My proposal is: Joseph gets his inheritance fair and square. But our retirements are left alone. Then the rest of what we have in our bank accounts are split 50/50</b>.</p><p id="b3c1">I’ve run t

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his by a few people and every single of them has the same reaction when I tell them that I don’t get to keep all of my retirement. “Well, that’s just bullshit.” Especially when they all know he’s a shopaholic and a hoarder.</p><p id="cd27">You can’t tell me that someone who buys entire McDonald’s toy displays from a store for $100 (<i>even though the toys are glued to the ghetto cardboard display and not worth anything</i>) makes good financial choices.</p><p id="b2cf">This summarizes my marriage perfectly. I did all the work. I’m the one who made the sacrifices. I focused on the long game. I didn’t splurge, I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t even eat dinner when I went out with friends to restaurants (<i>I would eat in advance and then get a soda or wine there</i>). Joseph was never home because he worked almost 2 hours away, leaving me to focus on everything related to the house and kids while still juggling my own job. Not easy when you have a special needs kid who has therapies and lots of associated paperwork.</p><p id="d5d4"><b>Why should I expect my soon-to-be ex-husband to see the value of my worth during divorce when he never saw it during our marriage</b>? And why am I sitting here sobbing, like I’m surprised at any of this?</p><p id="b955">We’re meeting with the mediator in two days to renegotiate, despite that we used up all of our hours out of the prepaid mediation package. The next day, I have a meeting with an attorney.</p><p id="8552">It’s utter bullshit that my value in this marriage is barely one-quarter of the value. I’m not stoked to drag this out when I’m dying to get the fuck. <b>But I’m not accepting that I’m worth so little</b>.</p><div id="8e36" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-live-on-edge-because-i-live-with-my-separated-husband-6c94e138e511"> <div> <div> <h2>I Live on Edge Because I Live With My Separated Husband</h2> <div><h3>I’m in survival mode</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ISXDMnFvbNZB5c_5)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="907b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-felt-like-i-was-dying-for-42-years-4e9963f3cb0b"> <div> <div> <h2>I Felt Like I Was Dying For 42 Years</h2> <div><h3>Making up for lost time.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*m0OTMKNnOgQ1MmkJ)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="d0a7" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-i-finally-convinced-my-husband-to-divorce-me-in-peace-b629d8bfb54d"> <div> <div> <h2>How I Finally Convinced My Husband To Divorce Me In Peace</h2> <div><h3>You want to leave but they want to stay.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*6DFqKQ9LzfvIfLn3)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Ex-Spouses Despise When You Fight For Yourself

Mediation failed me. I’m fighting on my own.

Last night I made the decision: fuck this mediation bullshit. I’m done doing what’s fair. I’m fighting for me.

In my divorce, Joseph is coming out on top. Big time. Inheritance isn’t community property; my mother-in-law’s bug and smoke-infested home was worth a fortune in northern California when she died. Despite that his half was put in a shared bank account and used to buy our marital home, that lump sum of money is his.

Fine. I told him I wouldn’t go after it.

Joseph flipped out over the cost of divorce. Fine. I told him I’d do side hustles to pay for a mediator so it wouldn’t come out of our joint account.

But I’m not fine with him getting half my retirement because he was too irresponsible to put money into his retirement. I had no idea he had a fraction of what I had.

If I were to put this into basic dollars, it’s like he’s walking away with $1000 and I’m getting $262.

Joseph gets to keep the house. And he’s throwing me a bone of a few more bucks to help me out, out of the kindness of his heart. Gee, thanks.

We’re supposed to sign this week. I understand why people walk away with nothing. They’re so desperate to get the fuck away from an awful marriage and after getting the courage to bite the bullet, you want to run as far as possible.

In my case, Joseph has a temper. He melodramatically cried on the floor for months when I asked for a divorce. For over a year I’ve had to stay as calm as possible because when he gets irate, I run the risk of him yelling out the divorce news to the children.

While part of me doesn’t give a crap if he’s the bad guy for doing something so callous, I do care that we only have one shot not to fuck this up for the rest of their lives. Their little hearts are so fragile. Their world will be upside down. I can’t have the way they find out not provide them the emotional safety and security they need with such a big change. I can’t.

Last night, I decided: fuck it. Fuck. It. The amount I’m getting is so small, I can’t buy a detached house. I can’t even buy a condo big enough for myself and the kids because condos and townhouses have massive homeowner’s associations that cost as much as the mortgage of a detached house. I can’t rent because aside that it’s a massive tax loss and I’ll never be able to save up for a house if I go that route, there’s an eviction moratorium in California until September.

And yet, he gets a massive house with a fucking pool. All because his mom died and he bought comics instead of putting in his retirement.

As expected, it didn’t go well this morning when I told him I wouldn’t be signing the Marriage Settlement Agreement. It went down a bad rabbit hole.

Joseph called me a narcissist because I pointed out that considering that every single Christmas vacation was spent visiting his mother and that my first Mother’s Day with both kids was traveling to see her (despite begging him not to make us go), I don’t even get a single dime from his inheritance. I haven’t even visited my mother ever on Mother’s Day. He never made an effort to see his mother any other time except on major holidays when I would have to get dragged along.

He gave some rant about taxes and how we agreed for him to put less in his 401k. I don’t even understand that part. It makes no sense.

Then Joseph ranted that I get 401k matching he never did. My company only matches 20% and he has worked for some big-name companies; a quick Google search tells me that he did indeed have matching of some kind.

He is also older and made more money. So he had more opportunity than I did to sock cash away, especially since I was an immigrant in my twenties starting from scratch. Joseph insisted that not all companies he worked at when he was younger had 401k options. I replied that neither did mine, which is why I put money into IRAs and other savings vehicles. He tried telling me those didn’t exist back then; an internet search tells me those were invented in 1974.

Joseph also tried to tell me how mine grew at a faster rate because his 401ks didn’t do very well. Perhaps he could have researched his investment options regularly like a competent adult.

I repeatedly told him to stop yelling. Eventually, he got the best of me and I raised my voice too, especially when we went as far back as to finger point about money when we were first married. I had no debt, Joseph had $13k (which I remember because I was upset that it wasn’t the $11k that he told me it was). He said it was because of my wedding ring, which I didn’t ask for. He told me that he didn’t want an expensive wedding; I told him that our wedding was $5k, which we needed to have something to ensure it looked legit when filing for my green card and that any additional money spent after was for the immigration lawyer.

Joseph told me the immigration lawyer costs weren’t his problem. Like what the fuck asshole, you’re the one who wanted a wife. Making sure she can stay in the country is part of the deal.

Finally, he pulled the “you don’t care about the kids” card. I replied that he could let me have the house if that’s what he cared about. Joseph agreed but only if he still got to keep the same dollar value. With him getting half of my retirement and his inheritance, he can afford a massive house elsewhere.

My proposal is: Joseph gets his inheritance fair and square. But our retirements are left alone. Then the rest of what we have in our bank accounts are split 50/50.

I’ve run this by a few people and every single of them has the same reaction when I tell them that I don’t get to keep all of my retirement. “Well, that’s just bullshit.” Especially when they all know he’s a shopaholic and a hoarder.

You can’t tell me that someone who buys entire McDonald’s toy displays from a store for $100 (even though the toys are glued to the ghetto cardboard display and not worth anything) makes good financial choices.

This summarizes my marriage perfectly. I did all the work. I’m the one who made the sacrifices. I focused on the long game. I didn’t splurge, I didn’t go on trips, I didn’t even eat dinner when I went out with friends to restaurants (I would eat in advance and then get a soda or wine there). Joseph was never home because he worked almost 2 hours away, leaving me to focus on everything related to the house and kids while still juggling my own job. Not easy when you have a special needs kid who has therapies and lots of associated paperwork.

Why should I expect my soon-to-be ex-husband to see the value of my worth during divorce when he never saw it during our marriage? And why am I sitting here sobbing, like I’m surprised at any of this?

We’re meeting with the mediator in two days to renegotiate, despite that we used up all of our hours out of the prepaid mediation package. The next day, I have a meeting with an attorney.

It’s utter bullshit that my value in this marriage is barely one-quarter of the value. I’m not stoked to drag this out when I’m dying to get the fuck. But I’m not accepting that I’m worth so little.