The Transcript of My Breakup

Get your popcorn.

I recorded my breakup with Thomas.

That makes me an asshole…right? #SorryNotSorry. I know that when I get emotional or stressed, my ability to recall anything is next to nothing. I wanted to mentally replay the conversation later with full clarity of what was said instead of relying on memory.

It was eye-opening to listen to it after. This isn’t how I remember it.

Note that this doesn’t have any personally identifying information, I made tweaks to make it readable, and I deleted the recording after typing this up. Also, we were in a public setting for most of it which doesn’t have any expectation of privacy (anyone could have overheard us).

I’ve written about my relationship with Thomas but detailed last week why I needed to break up. I welcome you to be a fly on the wall as I walk you through the breakup.

The plan: meet around 4ish at a Mexican restaurant for drinks. I look fucking bangin’. The day before, I applied four layers of self-tanner. If I’m going to end a relationship, damn right I’m going to make the last image of me look as hot as possible. I wore a new Target dress in the smallest size, only made possible by starving the day before and having exactly two sips of liquid all day.

I got to the restaurant’s outdoor bar early. I forgot to hit Record on my phone at this point but this is how it initially went down.

Scene 1: Outdoor Restaurant Bar

Thomas: (walks up and kisses me)

Me: Sooooooo…what’s the status of your divorce?

Thomas: Well I haven’t filed yet but—

Me: (looks at bar counter) You said you’d have it done within a month. Do you remember what day we met when you said that?

Thomas: Ummm…

Me: It was February 18th. We’re March 22nd now. I asked one thing of you. One.

Bartender asks if we want a drink.

Me: No, I’m not staying. (walks out)

Thomas: Wait, seriously? (follows behind me as I walk to the parking structure) I told you that I would talk to her about it. And I did.

Me: (gets agitated) Are you kidding me? You’ve been talking to her about it for nine months! I told you how this was important and all you did was talk? You’re never going to divorce. I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of looking stupid when after nine months of dating there’s no change. (continues walking to the parking structure)

Scene 2: In My Car (Actual Transcript)

Me: (secretly hits record on my phone as we sit in my car) Okay. Are you going to try and spin this to keep me to stay knowing full well there’s nothing you can say?

Thomas: No.

Me: Okay then.

Thomas: When…when…(takes a deep breath) I’ll just say I’m wrong in what I said…

Me: Which part?

Thomas: When we were in your car (referencing to February 18th)…so I’m going to tell her that the filing’s happening and that there’s no going backward. That it’s set in stone, that you can be seeing all the therapists you want, but I want out. That conversation happened. I didn’t fill out the paperwork. Um…God, it’s warm in here.

I turn on the car to roll down the windows.

Thomas: One of the main reasons…she took it okay and after a week of awkwardness was acting like she was okay with this. And that damn Disney trip was booked —

Me: (annoyed at the mention of the upcoming trip) Yeah…

Thomas: Like “oh God”, which you recall (I don’t, but whatever) happened even though I said “no, I don’t want to go” and it just happened, the tickets were bought (his wife works for Disney and used her discount). So being transparent, I was thinking to myself, “shit…I don’t want to do it before this trip.”

Me: Yeah. There’s always a trip. There’s always something. You guys take like a thousand trips.

Thomas: I canceled all the other ones we had going on.

Me: It doesn’t matter. There is still “a” trip that then prevented you from doing what needed to be done or said you would do. I can’t say what “needed” to be done. What you said you would do. (mumbles) It’s always something.

Thomas: That’s the shitty part. Because you’re right. And there’s no spin. I’m doing things…or not doing things…out of the fear of change.

Me: (getting agitated) Yeah. No kidding. Like at this point you’re kind of a pussy in my eyes because it is rough. It’s going to suck. You think your dad getting mad is the worst of it? It’s not. It’s going to tear your world upside down and it’s going to sucker-punch you and it’s going to suck and you’ve kept me in the fantasy bucket and I told you I hated that and you still kept me in there anyway. Like, I don’t want to know about dinners or how you think I’m this (referencing how he always calls me special) or any of that. None of that matters if your actions don’t match your words. And since they don’t, that just makes you a liar.

(pause)

Me: It’s put me in limbo. Like, I went through the hell. I did all that. And I don’t like being in a fake relationship. I don’t like not being able to give fully of myself. This isn’t how I normally am. This is not how I wanted to be. I’ve been restrained and I don’t like that. And I feel stupid…so frigging stupid.

Thomas: You lost trust.

Me: Yes. I feel like you’ve had enough time and I have not pressured you, I haven’t. But I kind of thought that you’d at least…you seemed so paranoid from that letter that I thought, “okay, he’s finally going to do it”, like just file the paperwork. You’ve still got 30 days after that and she has to respond, it’s a whole thing.

(long pause)

Thomas: There’s no point in even telling you what I feel I need to do now or…like none of it matters? It’s all just lip service to you.

Me: Yup. I have to give this to you, you are an effective salesperson. And I was so set in my mind I am never going to go forward and fall for someone who makes false promises and makes excuses for things, like I’m going to see it…and I did it again. We were talking yesterday about guys who push further than they should and…those dudes, they suck but like a dude who takes advantage or if I’m too drunk for a couple of hours…they’re a blip in the back of my mind. It’s the guys that I fall for and who make the false promises who say that…

(I start crying)

Me: The worst part of it is like I’m asking for the world like somehow I let myself believe that I’m asking for too much when I’m asking for the bare bones. I’m not asking you to give a kidney I’m just asking like, “hey can you follow through on your words and could you maybe be single?” That’s it! Like, “if you’d like a relationship with me, could you be single?” That’s it. And somehow in my head, it’s as if I’m asking for the world when that is the bare minimum when you’re dating someone. And I get in my head, I feel guilty, for asking of things that are like bare bones and that’s what upsets me more than any of those other dudes for a couple of hours. It’s this stuff that bothers me. (nonstop sniffling)

Thomas: (hesitates to put his hand on my arm) Can I…can I touch you?

Me: Yeah. (laughs) Yes, thank you for the consensual request. Yes. (looks in visor mirror) Crap, this isn’t waterproof mascara.

Thomas: Well, I may have lost you.

(I start crying again)

Thomas: On my way home I’m going to grab the paperwork from the firm.

Me: It seems to be the trend that once I say something should change because you haven’t done the bare minimum, once things end that’s when the person changes. I can get dudes to change after I’ve left. I kind of want someone out of the box who meets the basic requirements.

Thomas: I’m really sorry.

Me: I don’t think you’re a bad person and I think you had the best of intentions. The problem is that it’s not that you don’t want to upset other people, it’s that you don’t want people upset at you. And people are going to be upset at you. People are going to not like you at the end of this. They’re just not going to. It’s just going to happen. You’re going to disappoint and piss off a lot of people.

Thomas: The breakdown was what I thought I said —

Me: Like, “I’m going to tell her”, you think that was it? Your statement was “if I tell you a month?” And that was it. A month. Not “a month to tell her something I’ve already told her multiple times in nine months”. It was “there will be action.” Telling someone isn’t an action. That’s not an action. I could tell you “I’ll run a marathon”, does that count as a marathon? No, it does not. Telling someone means nothing.

Thomas: It felt like an action and I’m sorry. I knew that I needed to put my foot down and I did that day. I should have kept going. I should have just done the paperwork right then and there.

Me: ’Cause what were you going to do, wait until after Disney? So you’re going to do it by what, May? So maybe by one year of you’ll have submitted something to the court? (Starts stumbling over words in frustration.)

Thomas: I…I fucked up. I used that as a reason. And again, when the thought came out of my mouth and how it was interpreted were different.

Me: There’s no other way to interpret it. That’s not action. Saying something is not action. Words are not actions. You know that. You know that.

Thomas: And that’s the way I should have been thinking.

(long pause)

Thomas: I never wanted to break your trust. I hope…shit you don’t have to believe me…

Me: I know you didn’t mean to be malicious.

Thomas: If I had known that this was it, that this was your hard line —

Me: (yells) I had to say the hard line of “hey, could you be single before we date?” That kind of seems like the implied hard line from day one when you date someone! (pause) Just seemed like it was in a state of pending when clearly it’s never going to get out of a state of pending. If the sheer act of having a deadline for you to talk to someone is the hard line needs a whole thing..…you’re never gonna do it. And you’re only going to do it because at this point, you felt pushed enough by the drama of this but it’s…it’s…I can’t. Because at this point, I don’t want to hear about it. Even if we continued this, you’re going to tell me about it and I don’t want to hear it, it’s stuff that should have already been happening. I don’t want to stand by you as you do this anymore. I don’t. I was willing to before but I don't’ anymore.

(long pause)

Me: I’m…sorry? But not sorry?

Thomas: Stop. Please don’t.

Me: I hate confrontation. And this is excessive confrontation.

Thomas: I’m trying my best.

(long pause)

Me: My problem is that I equate my worth to the promises that are made to me…which is on me, I just made that realization. So if someone doesn’t do the bare bones that apparently I’m asking so much of, then it just feels like I’m not worth it, that I don’t deserve more, that I don’t deserve better than this. And I’d like to think that at this point I deserve a bit better than a dude who has not after 9 months of dating…still lives with his current wife, not even “pending ex-wife”, current wife who is going to spend another Disney trip with her.

(insert dumb side conversation where I had the date of Mother’s Day and his trip wrong)

Me: Anyway, irrelevant. Point is, I would like to not associate my worth to asking to do the bare bones basic and feeling like I should be grateful if he actually does it. I’d like to just not…ask. I just don't’ want to ask anymore. I guess I jus felt like…Because as much as I'd like to not push anymore, there’s still emotions and things like that at play, so it’s not like, I can’t just keep us at surface level like we’re casually dating at this point. It’s…anyway, I’m being redundant.

Thomas: I’m hurting you and I’m not helping anything…I’m…nothing. Which is terrible. I broke your trust and I don’t think I’ve ever done that and that doesn’t sit well either. I don’t know if that’s ever recoverable. It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t ask for it. I know what I”m going to do. I don’t…I’m not going to drag you through it. I hope…you’ll be around when it’s done.

Me: I guess you can message me and we’ll see. I don’t know. I mean, I don’t harbor any ill-will against you, it’s not like I hate you. I’m just —

Thomas: If I told you it was filed tomorrow and it was mailed off would it —

Me: Pffft! It took this…yeah really…it took this drama, something this major, I even —

Thomas: I really made a mistake in how I worded it and what you said was entirely right. Like you needed action. Words weren’t action. So what came out of my mouth was I just need to set the line, tell her this is happening, and get her mind on that, so that by the time the filing happens she’s already prepared, she doesn’t feel blindsided even though —

Me: (yelling…uh just assume all my statements going forward are yelling while all his responses are calm and quiet) You are clearly not capable of juggling my feelings and another female’s feelings. Which is totally understandable. Again, this is why you’re supposed to be single. So, you should be worrying about her. She’s the mother of your child. You do live together. There’s a lot of crap that’s going to go down. You should be more concerned with her emotions right now, not mine. And that’s just it. My emotions are secondary to the wife. I would just like to not be secondary.

Thomas: It wasn’t her emotions. It’s what would be created in that house under that roof for (his daughter).

Me: Whatever.

Thomas: Okay.

Me: Doing it tomorrow, this should not have been…if it was possible to happen now, it should have happened a week ago. It should have happened yesterday. Like if it was possible to happen today, it could have happened yesterday. And it didn’t.

As I type this, I realize that I am a lyrical master by written word but by voice, I’m a fucking babbling monkey. Why does anyone engage in conversation with me?

Thomas: If it happens…let’s just call it “if” because I’m not asking you to believe me…would that change anything for you?

Me: If you put it in the mail tomorrow? (loud incredulous laugh) No! No, you did the bare bones the day after we met which was a couple of days after the deadline that you set! Like, talk to me when things have really…like one step from the court stamping it…maybe. I…I can’t. The past me would have been (makes high-pitched voice) “oh yeah, totally”, then I would have resentment, and then I would have felt like this is what it always has to be, some major…so that I’m at my wit’s end that something will change…and that’s bullcrap…

(I start crying again)

Me: I just want to mention it like maybe the first twenty times would be enough.

(I turn the AC on)

Me: (mumbles about the cost of gas with the car running because even during a breakup, I’m concerned about finances)

Thomas: Fuck. I became what you don’t want.

Me: (yelling) Yeah realistically…don’t morph yourself to be what I want. Like if that’s not who you are…I’m done with the negotiations.

Thomas: It was just a —

Me: It was a negotiation.

Thomas: Would you return a text?

Me: Depends what the text says I guess. I’m not going to keep doing back and forth texting with you because that will hurt too much and feel like I'm still dating you.

Thomas: I gotta get it done.

Me: Okay.

Thomas: We’re on pause until that happens. You may move on. And I may be gone. Selfishly I hate the idea of losing you because I fucked up.

Me: God I hate hearing that. Because my default is to say, “no, no you didn’t”.

Thomas: No! I did. I did. Please don’t think it’s confrontational.

Me: No, it’s more like “no you didn’t”, ughhh I just don’t want you to feel bad ughhhh.

Thomas: Have me feel bad. I feel horrible. You think this makes me feel good? Do you think you feel good right now?

Me: No, I just don’t want you to feel bad. I still have this feeling that I don’t want you to feel bad after. I just want you to feel okay.

Thomas: I don’t want you to feel bad. I want to be able to be like, “hey look, I know I screwed up”, what I said and what I really should have been thinking were two different things and it was stupid, I allowed myself to cloud my own shit and this is the result. That’s unacceptable. This isn’t the person I want to be. Not for you, not for myself. And I want…well I'm going to…there’s actions…and I hope the actions aren’t too late…and I want to tell you the actions I’m doing. I don't know. I hate it. It’s happened.

Me: Okay, I can’t—

Thomas: And I won’t vent to you about it or what’s going on. I’ll stop.

Me: In her defense, you dragged this out for her as well. You make these threats that you’re going to leave and then it’s over and then she’s in a state of limbo too. I’d be pretty bitchy too if it’s like, make up your mind either you do it or don’t. It’s like all these women in your life are in a holding pattern until you decide to actually take action to match your words.

Thomas: I can see how you think that but rather, she flat out hears something in a moment and that’s it. And it regresses back.

Me: (insert a sarcastic asshole tone) Maybe because she’s used to you making promises and not following through? You were the one who said last time at my house that you're someone who says “let’s meet up”, what is it you said…a check-up? “Did I meet everything you asked for, blah blah”. The one time I ask you to do something. And this is the status check-up. Anyway. Beating a dead horse.

Thomas: (low voice…listen dude, I’m recording and I need you to speak up so I can type this up later on Medium) Fuck. Is there anything I can do? For you? Not to make it better for us —

Me: It’s fine. It’s fine. I stupidly thought in my head that I would ask and you’d say it’s done and I’d say “cool”. And that was it. I thought you had. It seemed like a no-brainer, that gives you thirty days to hash out the talking part once she gets the letter or you serve her or I don’t know the process, I had a lawyer. But you wrote something yesterday and I was like, “did he not actually file it yet?”

Thomas: Why didn’t you say that then? Then it would have been like, oh shit now I know…like okay clearly what I thought our talk was not that, get it done dude.

Me: I shouldn’t have to provide some type of ultimatum via text when it wasn’t even an ultimatum in the first place, you’re the one who called it an ultimatum, you’re the one who set the deadline, I’m not going to do all of this (waves hand in the space between him and I) by text! I even thought last night that you would have based on what you wrote. I didn’t hear from you for a couple of hours so in my head I thought, “maybe he’s doing it”. I mean, your text was “yeah, I really should file for divorce so she doesn’t have to experience other assholes ever again”…that was your sentence. So many things to unpackage with that but if that really was your fear, that I'm going to go off and date and experience this, then that really should have been the time you’d want to fill out the paper and put it in the mail. There’s nothing I could have said yesterday short of “I’m not going to meet you tomorrow unless you do this”. There really isn’t anything at this point. I’m tired of having to set myself on fire before people are like “ohhhhh, did you mean it? Oh was this important to you? Sorry the first ten thousand times it came up in conversation it wasn’t clear that it was important to you.” It’s not like I’m asking to borrow a pencil. Kind of assumed it was an important enough subject that…I even don’t like asking you to carry a box. For that conversation to happen, to ask that of you, was a really big deal. And to put trust in you that you would. God! I keep beating a dead horse, I’m really good at rambling.

(pause)

Me: I’m so weird, like (fake high-pitched voice) “I don’t want this to ruin your night, I don’t want you to feel bad”.

Thomas: You’re just…you're right. I realized I was…I lied to myself to avoid a certain pain that needs to occur. And I hurt you in doing that. It was semantics in my head and that’s just dumb. It’s not the way it is. (stumbles over his words.) I just can’t do this to you.

(long pause)

Me: I don’t know etiquette (laughs). What does protocol say in this situation?

(pulls me in for an awkward car hug)

Me: You smell good. I don’t want to get like, snot on your shirt!

Thomas: I don’t care. (mumbles into my shoulder.) I’m sorry I broke your trust. I’m so sorry, I’m making you relive things that you always wanted to avoid and I'm so sorry that I've put you…so sorry I broke your trust. I never wanted to say these types of things. I have to, you’re right. You’re right.

Me: I don’t think you were being malicious and I don’t think you were being a shady asshole. I just think that you —

Thomas: It’s black and white. There’s right and wrong. I was wrong. It doesn’t matter what thoughts or intentions or semantics or timeline or Disney trip, really does any of that matter? No, it doesn’t. I allowed it in a pretend scenario to matter and that’s wrong. It’s wrong. I shouldn’t be going to fucking Florida.

Me: Why? It’s not that bad. I mean, I’ve decided to go to Universal Studios (meaning, with my ex-husband and the kids in a few weeks).

Thomas: True. And it was pain avoidance. It was me thinking I’m going to be with the goddamn in-laws. And this whole thing is going to be hell. Why should that have changed anything? Like you said, it’s going to be hell. What does it matter. It’s just a matter of when. You were right.

Me: Remember that time I said that I’m always right? I’m always right!

Thomas: Did you smile?

Me: Yes I did. I should be one of those stupid TikTok life coaches because I’m always right. Here’s my TikTok channel. I’ll be your life coach. Zero qualifications other than: I’m right. Except I’m right when it comes to other people and not myself apparently. Easy to see it through the lens of other people and not your own. When in the past I never would have said anything. I would have said “sure”. Then that would have led to resentment and this is the best I can do, trying to change and say “this hurts me, I can’t do this anymore, end of story”.

Thomas: I’m going to go home, put something on for (his daughter), and then go at it again, fill it out tomorrow, if it’s allowed I’ll give you the status update and the aftermath and how it is and you know it’s going to be. I’ll give you quantitative bullet points. I don’t know if that’ll change anything and I’m not asking for it to. It just feels like the minimal effort I can do for reparations for this.

Me: It's not like there’s reparations. I mean it’s not like it’s going to create trust. I’m not going to stick around. Otherwise, I’ll feel like I'm in limbo and on pause. I’m not doing that. I feel like it’s been nine months of being on pause.

Thomas: (whispers) Fuck. I’m so fucking angry.

(I start crying)

Thomas: (whispering to console me) Please. Please. Please.

(I keep crying)

Thomas: Will you hug me and cry?

(I immediately stop crying)

Me: I’m not a “hugger and cryer”. Not how I roll. It’s fine. It’s fine. I got this.

Thomas: Do we have any chance or did I…is this it?

Me: I mean…maybe down the road. But not anytime soon. You just need to get in the trenches and experience all that and focus on that —

Thomas: I don’t want to lose you though. And I’m so afraid of that.

Me: That’s just it though. That’s the nature of it. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You can’t be married and have a girlfriend. You can’t end that and still hope to make that meaningful. You can’t dedicate your attention to both. You’re not going to give (his daughter) everything she needs at that moment. You’re not going to give your life the attention it needs while still focusing on me. All of your free time should not be anything related to me. It should be related to that. And that’s…so...yeah…down the road, who knows maybe? But until then —

Thomas: Things down the road, do I have anything to look forward to?

Me: I don't know, I’m not making any promises. If there’s anything I've learned, if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans. The pandemic has taught me to minimize my planning but...I mean…I don’t know. I was looking forward to stuff but then I had to stop. So I don’t know now. I just think that this is something that shouldn’t even be on your radar. Your future life, in whatever direction, that needs to be your focus. Whoever is there, whether it’s me or someone else, fine but that’s….otherwise you’re making me be the reason, and that’s the wrong reason.

Thomas: No, that’s not making it a reason. You outside of that is important to me, and again don’t believe it if you —

Me: No, I believe it. But it shouldn’t…at this point I should not be of any importance. The things you need to do are important. It’s weird, I’d rather you just put your head down and do what you have to do, that’s what you need to do. And forget about all the stuff around.

Thomas: I’m going to have a really tough time with that.

Me: Well that sounds like a “you” problem, I don’t know what to tell you. Do or don’t. I’m just telling you, that’s what I think you should do. You’re asking me if you should have something to look forward to, I can’t answer that.

Thomas: Okay.

Me: Your experience is going to be unique to you. So I don’t know.

Thomas: I'm going to go home and do that.

Me: Okay.

Thomas: I'm going to cross my fingers that this isn’t…(pauses then whispers) Fuck, I don’t want to anger you.

Me: Anger?

Thomas: I don’t want to upset you.

Me: (laughs) Uh, okay.

Thomas: I want to still build. I know I'm destroying and changing something over here, you're independent of that, you're a source of my happiness. I’m going to fight for it. And I should have fought for it a lot more. Again, you’re right. You’re right. You’re right. And you’re not a reason why but you’re connected to this. Because of where we are right now. And that’s why we’re having this and that’s why you feel the way you feel.

Me: I appreciate you not invalidating how I feel.

Thomas: (stumbles over his words) I can’t just let you go. I can’t just be like, yes I’m going to put my nose and dig in and do it. But that doesn’t mean I'm going to ignore you. I don’t think I can do that.

Me: Yeah but for my own sake I…might have to ignore you.

Thomas: Okay.

Me: It sounds awful but I'm being realistic because otherwise we’re going to fall back into some pattern again and I —

Thomas: Once it’s filed, it’s happening. It’s just a matter of time. Then it’s not lip service anymore at that point, correct? Does that still fall under that category?

Me: Yes.

Thomas: How? How does filing —

Me: (yelling) Because it already should have happened. That’s why. Like…it should have already happened. Because then it sets the precedent that only when things are really extremely bad does action ever happen. Then I'm like, cool he only finally did it because we were sitting in a parking lot crying that I was like, leaving. Like…no.

Thomas: (raises his voice) That’s not it. That’s not why I’m doing that.

Me: (raises my voice even louder) Really? Were you planning on doing it tonight anyway? No. You were going to do it because of this. That’s why. It’s only going to happen today because of this. So…no.

Thomas: (frustrated) It’s not because of you.

Me: It’s because of this moment. It’s the reason that you’re now like, “yeah now I’m really going to do it”.

Thomas: When we were in the car a month ago and I read that, and we both knew, or hopefully you know, that…the separation and all that stuff, she was back into this parallel parenting mode and I had said okay, I’m going to tell her that this divorce is happening.

Me: (yells) Yeah! Which means you’re going to make it happen! Not “I’m just going to tell her”. Cool! I’m going to tell everyone I’m giving them a million dollars, doesn’t mean anything!

Thomas: That’s where you’re right.

Me: (pretends a fake male voice.) “I’m going to tell her. Awesome. And then I’m going to tell you and then I’m going to wait ten years before I actually file.”

Thomas: I’m not asking you to argue against something I was wrong about. I made a mistake. And this is what I’m going to do. This…this made me look at me. This isn’t because of you.

Me: You seem to be a person to takes a lot of self-introspection.

Thomas: I'm great at lying to myself too.

Me: I thought you were all about your self-reflection and all that.

Thomas: I try really hard because I know I do that to myself.

Me: I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself or anything.

Thomas: Don’t worry about how I feel about myself.

Me: I do. Of course I do.

Thomas: Oh, I feel awful.

Me: (loud audible groan)

Thomas: I totally —

Me: (another loud groan)

Thomas: I'm allowed to. I should.

Me: You’re obviously allowed to. I just feel bad that you do.

Thomas: No. Don’t. I should never have made you feel this way. And I knew.

Me: You knew?

Thomas: I knew what you wanted was action. I knew that. I didn't pay attention enough. I knew it. I give myself all this talk, all these reasons, all this little mind fucking that I do to figure out okay there’s going to be a right time, it’s not going to be now, it’s going to be after this like you said, there’ll always be something. If I want to create a reason, then there’ll always be a reason. I mean, you’re right. Your words…are pulling things out that I don’t like pulling out. And you shouldn’t have had to do that.

Me: (quietly) Okay.

Thomas: I don’t know what else I can do. ’Cause I don’t think there is.

Me: Just focus on your stuff. That’s it. Nothing related to you and I.

Thomas: Okay. I’m going to bug you.

Me: Don’t get upset if I don’t reply. It’s a self-preservation thing.

Thomas: Please don’t be upset if I keep bugging you.

Me: To a certain point I might, depends what you bug me about or how often. If it seems like you want a continuation of what we already have via penpal method…I can’t do that. It’ll hurt too much.

Thomas: Okay.

Me: I don't’ want it to morph into some other faux relationship.

Thomas: Okay. I'm breaking it. I have to break it off (referencing his marriage).

Me: Otherwise I feel like it’s just another version of a perpetual carrot that I've had dangled over me for nine months.

Thomas: No. I need to change that. I’m going to change that. I’m done. You’re done. It should have happened a long time ago. I’m sorry.

Me: I don’t know you didn’t mean to hurt me.

Thomas: I’ll try to find ways to make you happy again.

Me: This (motioning between him and I) should not be on your mind!

Thomas: Okay. Fine. (pause) Maybe if I send the message enough, in whatever manner I can…you realize that I screwed up but that I can do things, that I want what I say I want, and hopefully it won’t be too late. And I’m not asking for you to have acceptance of that.

Me: Okay.

Thomas: Hopefully you’ll maybe still be a friend through this.

Me: (scoffs) I can’t be your friend through this.

Thomas: Until now I had you, I had some light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to. Now I don’t have that.

Me: Yeah, that’s kind of the nature of divorce. There’s no guarantee at the end of it, whether it’s a person, a home, the happiness of your kid, it’s all one big crappy unknown in the worst kind of way.

Thomas: I didn’t think you were an unknown. Now you are.

Me: You kind of always were an unknown. Like I said, it was like a carrot dangled in front of me with me just waiting.

Thomas: (hugs me) God, I didn’t know I was this awful. I'm sorry.

Me: What do you mean “this awful”, it wasn't like you were verbally abusing me or anything. I don’t think you’re an awful person. I think you have the best of intentions. I just think that this is not something…it just can’t keep going this way. I need to remove myself from this situation. That’s all.

crazy long pause

Me: Soooooooo…

more crazy long pause

Thomas: I don’t know what to say. Saying things isn’t what you need.

Me: Mmmhmm.

Thomas: Do you feel heard? That you know that I care?

Me: Of course I know you care, I never questioned that you cared. Of course.

Thomas: I know you tell me what I need to focus on but I need to fight for you too.

Me: (big sigh) You can do whatever you want, I’m just not making any guarantees that I’m going to stick around because it’s just another carrot dangle.

Thomas: I understand.

Me: I’m in limbo. I need to not be that.

Thomas: (whispers) I’m so afraid this is the last time I’m going to see you for months.

Me: (whispers) Why are we whispering?

Thomas: (whispers) I don’t know.

Me: Well, I’d like to not spend my whole evening in a hot car so…

Thomas: Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.

Me: No, no! Don’t apologize! Just saying…you’re saying you’re afraid this is the last time you’re gonna see me, well we’re not going to make this last until midnight just in the car.

Thomas: You look great.

(Insert side chat about my red nails.)

Thomas: Oh God I won’t even get to hear about your day!

Me: My days are pretty generic, they’re all the same. I work from home.

Thomas: you look great.

You’re damn right I do. It’s the only time I can ever say that my hair and makeup look “snatched”.

Me: So do you.

Thomas: I'm sorry I made you drive out here just to shatter things.

Me: Well, I'm the one who did the shattering.

Thomas: You didn’t. This wasn't you. Please don’t think that. Please.

Me: Uh, okay. I’m kind of numb at this point.

Thomas: I’m going to go home right now and take care of it.

Me: Okay. Good…luck? (fake enthusiasm) You got this champ? I don’t know what to say. You go get that divorce!

Thomas: I hope you’ll believe me again. I know I'm just saying things. I’m just telling you what’s on my mind. (mutters quietly) Fuck. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go.

Me: Well, we can’t stay in the car all night.

Thomas: I know. You're right.

We hug. We kiss. Do you want to know what sounds horrific? The sound of yourself kissing. I want to throw my phone in a meat grinder while listening to a cat lick its balls, anything is better than this.

Thomas: (whispers) I’m so sorry. I should have known better about myself. And I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. (pause) Disney’s gonna be wild.

Me: Good luck.

Thomas: Is there anything I can do?

Me: With what?

Thomas: With anything. Regardless of us. Is there anything I can do to make you smile? Is there anything?

Me: I’ll be fine. (singsong voice) I’ll be fine. I’ll go home and eat lots of chocolate. Or I’ll go to Target and buy lots of stuff and get some retail therapy. Although I’m overdressed for Target.

Thomas: I hope I’ll still be able to build. I’ll see you.

Me: Good luck.

Final melodramatic hug before leaving my car.

End scene.