Summary

The author is in a complex relationship with a man named Thomas, who is not yet divorced, has financial issues, and lives in less-than-ideal circumstances, leading to her internal conflict about the future of their relationship despite his love and efforts to improve his situation.

Abstract

The article details the author's struggle with her romantic involvement with Thomas, a man who is still legally tied to his ex-wife and financially unstable. Despite Thomas's deep affection for her and his attempts to better his circumstances, the author is conflicted due to his modest income, poor living conditions, and the fact that he is not yet legally single. The author has set boundaries, refusing to commit fully until Thomas resolves his personal issues, which includes filing for divorce and improving his financial stability. The relationship is further complicated by the author's own need for financial security and independence, as well as her desire for a partner who can contribute equally to a shared life. While Thomas is attentive and caring, providing emotional support and consistent companionship, the author harbors doubts about their long-term compatibility and is considering ending the relationship if significant changes are not made by March.

Opinions

The author feels emotionally suffocated by Thomas's love bombing and the intensity of his affection.
She values financial stability and power, viewing income as a means to provide for one's family and maintain independence.
The author is critical of Thomas's spending priorities, particularly his investment in his vehicle over more stable assets like real estate.
She believes that Thomas's clients hold the power in their relationship with him, contrary to his belief that he has influence over them.
The author appreciates Thomas's willingness to make personal sacrifices for her and acknowledges his positive traits, such as his reliability and the joy they share.
Despite these positive aspects, she feels that something fundamental is missing in their relationship and is uncertain about their future together.
The author recognizes the unfairness of potentially using Thomas as a placeholder in her life while she searches for something more fulfilling.

Just Another Day Avoiding Someone Else’s Love

I’m maintaining my boundaries…I think.

I’m suffocating and I can’t breathe.

Well, emotionally I’m suffocating. Otherwise, my lungs are quite fine.

The TLDR on a guy that I’m dating is that he still hasn’t filed for divorce, makes half of what I make, blew his money on his vehicle instead of real estate, and lives in a two-bedroom ghetto ass rental condo near the beach. His ex-wife sleeps on the couch (she had moved out but moved back in due to her finances being shockingly lower than his meager paycheck), he and his daughter have their own rooms, and the one time I visited I had to park in an alley.

There. Now you’re all caught up.

Thomas adores the shit out of me. He says he likes the “push-pull” dynamic we have because I’m keeping us on a solid pace by insisting that I’m not committing to being his girlfriend until he gets his shit together. He’s actively working to do that.

Still, his love bombing isn’t something my Anxious Attachment self can handle. This morning he sent me a text with a million kissing face emojis to show me how many times he thought of me yesterday. Geezus christ.

Sometimes we spend the whole day at my house. Thomas doesn’t work remotely but he swings it occasionally. This allows us to spend time together before he has to head home around dinner to take care of his daughter. Put that on the list of things that bother me: if he were truly divorced, we could align our non-child time.

The last time we hung out, I got a little too buzzed and laid it all out there. I insisted that income matters because having money is power. While excessive money gives you “murder someone and cover it up” power, I even mean simply being able to buy something your kid needs or repairing something without worrying about finances.

Thomas replies that he doesn’t understand why it’s so wrong that he’s a simple guy who doesn’t need much in life (yeah minus his vehicle that he’s blown over a hundred grand on upgrades). I can’t articulate why it matters to have a place that doesn’t feel like I’m in a crack house, which at this point is insulting him because he thinks his place is great.

“When I’m dealing with multi-million dollar clients, I’m the one who has power,” Thomas tells me. I explain that he’s meaningless in the grand scheme of their lives but he says how these rich bigwigs insist on having him be at all their meetings.

I insist on having the same person make my food at Mod Pizza but that person has zero power in this relationship.

Now I’m annoyed at his arrogance for not realizing how his clients have all the power because they can leave. He can’t. How is all of this not obvious?

Thomas gets visibly upset by the end of my alcohol-fueled rant. Feeling like I pushed him too far, I change the subject and later seduce him. If I’m going to date someone broke and not-yet-divorced, I might as well get the good stuff out of him.

This isn’t sustainable. I know.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Thomas wants to spoil me all day because “you deserve a man who will do that for you”. His definition of spoiling means to take me to the mountains for the day. I don’t even know what that means. He told me that he was going to take the top off his Jeep that day and I put my foot down that I’d rather punch myself repeatedly than ever ride in a vehicle with the top down.

After that, he wanted to get dressed up and go somewhere fancy. Aside that Valentine’s weekend is impossible to book even a Chili’s without spending a fortune (not ideal for a guy who melted down over a parking ticket), no woman wants to spend a day out doing nature stuff then have the same guy hang around her bedroom as she showers and gets dolled up to go out. Thomas agreed to do that another night and instead, stay in to cook a meal I once mentioned that I like.

Okay, that last part is really sweet. I told him there would be no sex after eating though; there is nothing sexy about boning on a full, pasta-laden belly.

I’ve already posted how I’m a complete asshole. Thomas is sweet and would easily hand over a limb if I needed it. He loves me and speaks often of our future together.

Truthfully, I don’t think I want any of it. There’s no way the guy is going to make a non-poor income within the next few years (he won’t leave his company). I’m never going to live with someone else ever again, certainly not one that can’t contribute the same amount to a down payment. He wants to blend our families and all I want to do is focus the time I have my kids on them.

Because he’s adamant that we will be together when he gets his shit together (he calls it my “list” for him to do), I can’t out of the blue tell him that I’m done. I’m the worst at breaking up. I need to take a class or something.

My strategy is to wait until March and then point out that it’s been four months since I had “the talk” about his shitshow of a life and he hasn’t even filed for divorce yet. Although who knows, maybe he’ll file by then. If he does, I’ll need another excuse.

And yet, it is nice to have someone to text random messages to or have someone randomly tell me I’m stunning. It’s nice to have someone I can consistently count on for anything I need. We have fun when we’re together.

All of this sounds like he’s a placeholder. Which isn’t fair to him. I care about him but something is…missing.

I don’t know what that is, but I won’t find it in Thomas.