Legal, Law, Lawyer Humor #4

I Enjoy Lawyer Jokes, Even Being a Lawyer. I’m Not an Outsider Taking Shots. I’m an Insider Speaking “The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth.” (Tongue in Cheek, of Course)

Giving an Enema to a Dead Man

It is said that legal reasoning is like ‘giving an enema to a dead man.’ I’m sure you wonder what this means.

Well, there was this stage play in New York City and one of the leading men dropped over dead on the stage right in the middle of the play. It was pretty traumatic, People were very upset.

From the balcony, a lady started shouting:

“Give him an enema!” “Give him an enema!”

People on stage were trying to help the man, and tried to ignore her, but she kept shouting: “Give him an enema!”

Exasperated, a man yelled back at her: “Lady, an enema won’t do any good. The man is already dead.”

The lady shouted back, “Well, it sure won’t hurt!”

This is the legal reasoning we’re taught: stretch the imagination — create options — expand thinking. “If it won’t hurt, try it!” —

Legal reasoning goes like this: “Be willing to spend your client’s last cent to prove you’re right.” Of course you know very well you may be wrong half of the time.

Lawyers, the IRS, and Economics

We lawyers are not taught economics in law school. We are taught many things, some of them good and some of them bad, but I can tell you that economics is not one of them. We’re ignorant of economics.

We are only taught one economic theory in law school:

The redistribution of wealth by means of litigation.

But we are taught to be the orators of society. And some lawyers are really good at this. I mean really good. I was pretty good, and I prided myself at winning most of my cases. But some lawyers just put me to shame.

I admired the way some lawyers operated in the courtroom, twisting and bending things beyond all possible recognition. Some lawyers are so good at what they can pull off in the courtroom, weaving truth together with fiction until you’ve just got confusing muck.

They can work magic. They can make it appear that:

Any relationship between what actually did happen outside of the courtroom, and what was testified to and presented inside the courtroom — was purely coincidental.

Here’s an Illustration: The Farmer and Bessie

A Minnesota Swede (a farmer) was walking his cow Bessie along the road by a rope.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a truck came speeding around the corner and knocked the farmer and Bessie off the road into a ditch.

Like any red-blooded American with any backbone at all, the farmer sued the trucking company.

The case went to court, and the defense attorney for the trucking company had the plaintiff-farmer on the witness stand. He was cross examining him, and the lawyer said: “Sir, is it not true that, on the day of the accident, after you were allegedly, and inadvertently knocked into the ditch, that the truck driver got out of his truck, and came back to where you were. He then asked, ‘Are you hurt?”

— to which you emphatically said, ‘No, I am not hurt.’ Now please answer the question with a simple yes or no reply only.”-

The farmer replied, ‘Well, it was like this, I was waling Bessie along the road with a rope, when suddenly, swoooosh around the corner this truck came speeding. He knock Bessie and me off…”

The defense lawyer, a little slow on his feet, jumped up and said, “I object! I asked for a simple yes or no answer, not a dialogue.”

The judge sustained the defense lawyer’s objection, and told the farmer to answer with a yes or no only. Then he asked the lawyer to restate the question, which he did, but again the farmer began a long answer.

Again the defense lawyer objected, and again the judge sustained the objection.

But when it happened yet again, the third time, the judge relented and just said to let the farmer complete what he wanted to say.

The farmer said, “Your honor, a simple yes or no answer is just not that easy. I’m trying to tole you the truth, but every time I do, this lawyer he objects.

You see, I was walking Bessie along the road with a rope when all of of sudden swoooosh, around the corner come this truck speeding.

“He knock Bessie and me off the road into a ditch. The truck driver he get out and come back and look down at Bessie and see that she is a goner for sure. So, he pull out his gun and he shoot Bessie!!! Poor Bessie!!!

“Then he come back to me, his gun still smoking, and say, “Are YOU hurt?”

This is a good example of the nature of some things as they occur — first outside, and then inside the courtroom. You’re never quite sure how much you hear in the courtroom is fact, and how much is fantasy or fiction.

PAST EPISODES:

HUMOR #1. https://readmedium.com/c1318c0ea313

HUMOR #2. https://readmedium.com/c7d05f83bc95

HUMOR #3. https://readmedium.com/39eb6f2325e6