Laughing with the King of Self-Deprecating Humor
A successful and most respected stand-up comic
Known as the King of self-deprecating humor, he was one of the funniest men in the twentieth century. He performed stand-up comedy throughout his career, with a great deal of television, as well as writing, directing, and starring in many movies. His career spanned nearly 60 years.
Best known by his stage name, Rodney Dangerfield, he was born Jacob Rodney Cohen and legally changed his name to Jack Roy when he was 19 years old. Born in 1921 in Deer Park, New York, he died in 2004 at the age of 82. He made sure his humor followed him to the grave. His tombstone reads: “There goes the neighborhood.”
Following is a categorized collection of some of his somewhat less risqué one-liners and jokes I gathered from a wide variety of sources.
Childhood
“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”
“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
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“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.”
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
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“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”
“One year they asked me to be poster boy — for birth control.”
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“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
Marriage and Family
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
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“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
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“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”
“My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies fix our screens.”
“My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”
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“My uncle’s dying wish — he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
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“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”
“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”
The Medical Profession
“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
“What a doctor I’ve got — he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.”
“With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”
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“I told my doctor I want to stop aging, he gave me a gun!”
“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”
“I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”
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“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
“Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.”
Life
“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”
“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
“Life is just a bowl of pits.”
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“A girl phoned me the other day and said…’Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
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“’Yeah, I know I’m ugly…’ I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’”
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
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“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” “I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”
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“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
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“I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no.”
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
No Respect
“When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.”
“With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”
“With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.”
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“When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin’ from one end to the other.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.”
“When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.”
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“With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”
“With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”
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“I tell ya when I fly, I don’t get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin’ and had to do the dishes.”
“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”
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“I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.”
“I met the surgeon general — he offered me a cigarette.”
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“I’m tellin’ ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.”
“I don’t get no respect, no respect at all!”
I hope you enjoyed reading Dangerfield’s jokes as much as I did putting them together. He was a legendary performer and the world will never see another quite like him. If you want to laugh more with him check out some of his many videos on YouTube. His appearances with Johnny Carson are especially good.
The next time you “don’t get no respect,” think about one of Dangerfield’s old jokes and have a good laugh at yourself!
Bill Abbate Leadership Writer and Editor in ILLUMINATION.
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