How to Have a Good Laugh with One of the Old Masters
Laughing with one of the greatest comedians of all time
One of America’s greatest comedians, an author, actor, and writer he entertained the world for nearly three-quarters of the twentieth century with his quick wit. He enjoyed great success as a stage, film, radio, and television star. Returning to the stage at Carnegie Hall at 82 years old, he received a special Academy Award for his stage and screen work at 84 years of age.
Born in New York City in 1890 as Julius Henry Marx he died in 1977 at the age of 86. He received his nickname “Groucho” from a fellow vaudeville performer and has since been known as Groucho Marx. Much of his career he worked with several of his brothers, with the group being known as the Marx Brothers. He made a total of 26 movies of which 13 were with his brothers Chico and Harpo.
Groucho wrote many books including his autobiography Groucho and Me. The caricature of his unmistakable thick mustache, bushy black eyebrows, cigar, and glasses continues to be widely recognized today.
Enjoy a sampling of his humor and wit in the following quotes, grouped roughly by subject for easy reference.
Humorous One-Liners
“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
“All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats.”
“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”
“I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that.”
-
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.
“If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
-
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”
-
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
-
“I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are”
“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”
“Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while”
-
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.”
“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”
“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”
-
“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”
“I like pancakes, but I haven’t got a closet full of them!”
-
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
-
“I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure”
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Women
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“My mother loved children — she would have given anything if I had been one.”
-
“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”
“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”
-
Books
“From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”
“Anybody who doesn’t like this book is healthy.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
-
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book and does.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”
Age and Time
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”
“Time wounds all heels.”
“No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.”
“Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!”
-
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.”
-
“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”
-
“Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”
Marriage
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
-
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”
“As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
-
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”
“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”
“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.”
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Humorous Two-Liners
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
-
“Room service? Send up a larger room.”
“There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.”
“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”
-
“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”
“I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8:00 to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”
-
“I’m not feeling very well — I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
“I don’t have a photograph. I’d give you my footprints, but they’re upstairs in my socks.”
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
. . .
I hope you enjoyed reading some of the humor and wit of one of the greatest comedians of all time! If you wish to learn more about Groucho and the Marx brother’s fascinating lives, there are many books and biographies available that continue to be in print. You can find many of his and the Marx Brother’s hilarious moves online, and will find them well worth watching!
I leave you with this final two-liner from Groucho:
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.”
Bill Abbate Leadership Writer and Editor in ILLUMINATION.
Thank you for reading this article! If you enjoyed it, please check out others below.
