Reports from the home front
Ladies, Watch Out for Older Men Seeking A Hospice Wife
The vow isn’t in sickness and health — it’s in sickness and death
“If I had known I was going to live so long, I’d have taken better care of myself.” Billy Noonan
Love Bombing With A Plan
One of my friends from my corporate days married for the first time one year ago today. She was 56, her new spouse was 62.
My spouse and I wanted to take her and her new husband to dinner for their first anniversary. It turned out she came alone. Her husband was too ill to come out to dinner. When her husband canceled, I made a dinner reservation for her and me. I told my spouse, “Looks like leftovers for you. I’ll bring you a dessert.”
When I tried to congratulate her on making it the first year, she admitted she had made one hell of a mistake. Her spouse is a handsome man. Tall, attractive, apparently well-to-do, and madly in love with her. The man love-bombed her for months, telling her she was exactly what he needed. That was what I believed when I met him the previous year.
In my mind, I saw them out on vacation, continuing to travel and enjoying each other. That is not what has happened. Since their third month of marriage, their lives have transformed. This year, it is a harrowing story.
Health Problems Galore
The truth has come out. The man has diabetes, high blood pressure, rotten teeth, and a failing heart. He was aware of his health issues when he began courting her. When he went to the dentist after marrying, there were issues. He had only enough dental care to have a friendly smile. Behind that smile were many pending dental issues. They have been nowhere but to the doctor in the last eight months. Not even out to dinner.
He had marginal benefits on his job; her benefits package was outstanding. He was cash poor; she was not. He did not own a house. She was on year 12 of a 15-year mortgage. His savings were minimal. He spent his life serially enjoying multiple women, taking expensive trips, and living his best life. He partied his way into lousy health through his most financially productive years working a decent job.
She now believes he married her, not because he loved her, but because he needed someone to take care of him. He was seeking a hospice wife. Someone to care for him as he got older and sicker.
He moved into her house. She is the one who sets up his daily pills and prepares his special meals. She helps him with his Depends. She drives him to collect his samples for the lab and provides extensive care for him on his bad days. He can barely pee in the morning without her help.
Consuming Her Life Force
She is the one taking him to multiple doctor visits every month. Her husband has been hospitalized three times in the last year. The deductible on his health insurance was ridiculous, so they changed to her health insurance plan because of the lower deductibles.
He has an outrageous medical mandate to remove any decayed teeth before he is eligible for a pending heart operation. He requires much of her time and energy. The man is fighting for his life. As he fights for his life, he is consuming her life force.
Her travel plans, her need for an excellent communicator, and her desire for companionship all take a back seat to his health requirements. Instead, she is a hospice wife paying hefty medical bills to keep him alive.
She believes she would have done better just to let him move into her house and maintain everything separately.
Do Not Marry Sick Old Men
Do not marry these older men who have not taken care of themselves and do not take on the burden of fiscal responsibility for them. Go on and get with them. Get with them, clean them up, train them to be attentive men, but don’t marry them. Go back. It’s a trap! A tender trap but a trap, nonetheless.
Few people want to be alone all the time, but fewer still wish to be in a worse position by being with someone who is ill, extremely high maintenance, and expensive. Whatever plans you had for your retirement will be put on the back burner as you deal with the problems these ill men have not addressed in their younger years.
They lived it up while you were being responsible. They want you to give up your retired life expectations to take care of them. Don’t be taken in by love bombing when all they want is access to your time to take care of them. Please don’t do it.
Make sure you understand the actual state of any older man you marry, or you may end up like my friend. Stuck in a marriage that is not real.
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