INTROSPECTION

Labels And Confidence — Who Am I?

I now know so much more about myself than I have before

On 2 July 2021, I had my first appointment with a life coach. Back then, I was on the verge of collapsing, and fighting hard not to fall into the abyss. I couldn’t. I had to take care of my husband.

Now, a year and twenty-four sessions later, I know so much more about myself than I have before.

I now know it wasn’t only the stress of caring for my husband and worrying about my son, but I had come to a point in my life where I needed to find myself.

My authentic self.

The only way I could do that is to help my inner child to heal; to allow her to come out to play; to be.

Known labels

In her prompt post, Ravyne Hawke talked about labels, and how many we have that apply to us, but that those labels don’t tell the full story of who we are.

When I say I’m a mother, it says nothing about the hard times I had, providing for my kids as a single parent, or the pain I feel because my son struggles with life. The label ‘daughter’ fits me too, but doesn’t reveal my heartache for losing my mom, or discovering the betrayal of my parents.

There are many other labels that fit me — woman, wife, colleague, friend, writer, blogger, photographer, creative, empath and more — but none of them fully describes who I am.

New labels

I have forgiven my parents for what they have done, but honestly, I mostly had to forgive my mom. I was so close to her, and I can’t wrap my head around why she never told me what had really happened. Forgiving her has helped me to move on. To see how all of my life before I met my husband was about survival. About ‘over-living’.

It helped me to accept ‘traumatized’ as one of my labels.

On the 22nd of June, I went to the zoo all by myself for the very first time. I never do things only for myself. Wherever I go — I mean outings, like the zoo or on trips — I never go alone. On the odd occasion I do, I need ‘permission’ from my husband. I deviated from that when I went to the zoo. I told my husband I was going, and I did, and at the end of that first day I arranged for an annual subscription.

A week ago, I went to the zoo for a second time. In the car, on my way home after a couple of hours, and just as I had joined the traffic on the highway, I settled into my seat and this… feeling came over me.

A good feeling.

Content. Relaxed. Satisfied.

Those words described the feeling, but not fully.

It took a couple of days to find the word, and then I accepted ‘adult’ as one of my new labels. Of course, I knew I’m an adult, but at that moment, probably for the first time ever, I also felt it.

Another feeling I had there in the car was: I can take care of myself.

Discovering who I am

I’ve always known I’m strong. Resilient. I always just carried on. When bad times hit, I always looked for ways to get out of it and make things better. I had to. I had two kids who depended on me.

But in the past year, I learned I don’t always have to be strong. Or rather, that admitting to myself that something is difficult, or that I need rest or help, is a different way of being strong.

I’ve also learned I’m codependent, and am working on that. One thing my coach is leading me towards is to forgive myself. To look back on my life and see things for what they really were, and stop blaming my younger self for what I have always called ‘mistakes’.

My journey of discovery has only just started. I still have a lot to learn, but I feel more confident than I have for years. Confident in myself and confident in showing the world my authentic self, instead of the version I always thought they want to see.

I have labels that will always be a part of me, but I am adopting new labels, and I might even shed some. However, no matter how many labels I use to share who I am, none of them will ever tell you my full story.

I wrote the above in answer to this Know Thyself, Heal Thyself prompt:

I would love to see an answer to this prompt from Yana Bostongirl, Reece Reid, May More, Posy Churchgate, and Annelise Lords.

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