FROM MY LIFE

Codependent? Me? Never!

Reading more, it turns out I was wrong all this time

I ended my last post in my coaching journey saying the coach came up with one word when she read the document I had sent her.

That word was: codependency

Me?

Codependent?

No! Never!

I have always thought of the word in the negative sense of the word. After all, it comes from the world of Alcoholics Anonymous, and neither me or my husband are addicted to anything, so how could this word apply to me?

Then the coach started telling me more about it. She indeed mentioned AA, but said the knowledge of codependency goes further. And from what she told me, I realized: I am codependent.

Except for all else she read in that document, the one part she highlighted during our consequent meeting was:

In my mind, I start conversations — the same conversation, repeatedly — in which I explain my need, and offer the motivation for my request. Then, by the time I dare to speak the words, I am already so angry with the world that my words come out all wrong, and I can’t even remember all those beautiful ones that went around in my head.

This, in combination with what we encountered in our previous sessions, lead her research to come to codependency.

Where does codependency come from?

I read a lot about this, in links I found online, and links the coach sent me. It all boils down to the failure of parents to adequately respond and attune to the child’s emotional needs.

That’s quite a statement, right?

Thinking of it, I first put all the blame in my father’s shoes. After all, he was the one who spanked us when we were ‘naughty’ and then consequently gave us his standard ‘it’s not me, it’s you’ speech. It not only made me grow up always feeling guilty towards the world but also made me tread on eggshells always trying to keep my father happy.

As I continued to think of it, I knew it wasn’t only my father.

Let’s put this out there first: I adored my mom. She always was there for me when I needed her. In the last ten years of her life, our relationship was the best it ever was. We were not only mom and daughter, but best friends.

But, because of her own emotional immaturity when she married my father at the tender age of 19, and battling with her own insecurities (which my father enforced), she was emotionally unavailable to me too. The first time in my conscious memory my mother ever spontaneously hugged me and told me she loved me was when she had a burnout just 4 years before she passed away. By then I was 47.

I grew up trying to keep my parents happy, and hiding my own emotions, because showing them would only get me in ‘trouble’. But I didn’t stop with my parents. I carried that into my life with me — wanting to keep people happy.

What are the symptoms and how do I relate?

I used a Dutch site to work through the symptoms:

• Focusing on other people’s problems and needs and caring for others It’s easier to focus on other people’s problems or take care of them, than figuring out what I need, or what care I need. I took care of my mom for almost six months without once thinking about my own needs, and since my husband’s stroke have mostly done the same for him.
• Ignoring your own feelings and needs It’s not so much ignoring it, but not even knowing what my own feelings or needs are. Then again, maybe sometimes I know what they are, and then I ignore the in favor of taking care of someone else.
• Overly responsible and perfectionism Totally recognizable. I feel responsible for things I’m not responsible for, and perfectionism has been my default for as long as I can remember.
• Tendency to work too much and schedule for yourself Yes, yes, and yes. I do this in my job where I work half days but do a full day's job in that time, and I push myself with writing for my blog and Medium.
• Difficulty with confidence I had to think about this one for a while, but indeed, the slightest comment that seems like critique can make me feel bad and unsettled for weeks.
• Weak boundaries (you let people mistreat you or take advantage of you) Yes, I do, and I always have.
• Afraid to anger or disappoint others (‘please’) Yes, again. I am afraid of the anger of other people, so will lower myself (unconsciously) to please them.
• Tendency to feel guilty See what I said above about those speeches of my father. Guilty feelings also extended to a new school’s team losing for the first time in years, and I believed it was because I came to attend that school. But also when I did something wrong, I remembered it for years, and continued to feel guilty about it, long after everyone had forgotten about it.
• Trying to change and control people or situations Yes, I do this.
• Putting away your feelings, especially anger (until you ‘explode’) See the piece I quoted above.
• Not showing up for your feelings, needs, and views How can I show up for them if I can’t even formulate them to myself?
• Defining yourself in relation to others (“I am the mother of…”) and the lack of strong self-esteem (knowing who you are, what you believe, want and like) Yes, I do this. When I meet a friend of my daughter’s, I tend to say ‘I’m her mom’ instead of ‘I’m Marie’.

What’s next?

On Tuesday, I have the next meeting with my coach. In the previous one, she mentioned the words ‘healing your inner child’. She tipped me to go with my first reaction when someone asks or demands anything from me. When I feel resistance or reluctance, it’s my body’s way of signalling my wider boundaries, and I should pay attention to it.

Another tip was to look in the mirror every day and ask myself (with compassion): what can I do for you? I have done this once or twice, but draw a blank on the answer. Nothing comes to mind.

I still have a long way to go, but I feel after all these months of seeing a life coach, everything we have worked through has led to this moment, to finding that one word. The eureka moment I was looking for came when Nelle mentioned codependency, and I read more about it.

Will I now finally be able to get closer to healing my inner child?

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