THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

The Carer Needs Care

Practicing self-care and self-love when taking care of others — Written for the February theme of Promptly Written.

I have been a carer since September 2016.

I didn’t always think of myself as a carer, and still don’t feel like one, but I know I am.

The role subtly settled on my shoulders.

A short history

At first, the care was only standing by my husband’s side when he — an amputee — experienced increasing pain in the stump of his left leg in September 2016. The pain finally stopped in May 2020, only to start in a different place on the stump a year later, having him walk with a permanent limp now, and always with pain.

When on 27 January 2017 we discovered how ill my mom was, there was no question I would support her throughout, also because she could only walk small distances. On 1 July 2017, I stayed with her 24/7, until her passing on 12 July 2017, where I held her hand when she took her last breath.

In November 2020, I found my son in a psychotic state, and his mental health problems are still severe, with no end in sight (that sounds harsher than I mean it).

In March 2021, my husband had a stroke. That was when they saw the enlarged lymph nodes in his neck, and we received the diagnosis of metastasized thyroid cancer. We still don’t have a prognosis, as he is still amid being treated for it.

Add to that my getting Covid in April 2021, and the stress settling in my body so severe that I could barely walk for weeks.

Realizing I’m a carer

It took me until 2019 to understand I’m a carer besides being a wife, a mother, a colleague, and a friend. That was also when I realized I needed time for myself. Time away from everyone and everything, needing my attention and my help. I felt horribly guilty for wanting to just be alone. It was like I betrayed the people I love. My husband. My mom. My son.

Then I read a brilliant story that touched me deeply: Catch the Catcher by May More. That story hit home. Hard.

This is what I wrote in 2019:

I read the words ‘caring for the carer’ and it immediately made me think of the times I had brief thoughts of resentment. Resenting that wherever we go, I have to drive. Resenting that when we do the weekly groceries, I am the only one carrying the heavy bags from the car. Resenting the fact that the majority of the chores rests on my shoulders. Resenting the fact that because I am mentally tired, I ignore the chores. Resenting the fact that when I ignore the chores, no one else will do them, and I end up hating myself for not just doing them, hating myself because I somehow seem incapable of just doing what I know needs doing.

In 2019, I realized I needed a break, but the break never came. I was only more aware of what I needed, but not how to get it. I did what I always did: push the feelings away and just accepted that life is what it is.

I learned to care for myself

It has taken all this time, from 2019, when I realized I am a carer until the second half of 2021, to learn how to care for myself, while also caring for others.

When I supported my mom in those last five and a half months of her life, I had switched off my own feelings. In caring for my husband, I put his needs first and forgot about my own. Every time my son had a ‘meltdown’, I wanted to make it better and ignored my own boundaries.

Everything has changed.

I spoke up about carrying the heavy groceries, and now we have them delivered to the house. It took several sessions with a life coach before I dared mention at home I needed help with cleaning. I now have someone come in every other week for four hours, helping me in the household. I still do all the driving, but I have changed my thinking about it. I’m now seeing as a service to my husband, and the change of mindset helps.

Making time for myself

Where in 2019 I was bad at making time for myself, over the past months I’m much better at that. It started with withdrawing into myself every evening to follow a series on my tablet. My quiet time, shutting out the world around me and concentrating only on my screen.

Then came the walks halfway through October 2021. I had to break them off for three days because of the flu, but today was the 98th consecutive day I went out for a walk. For the past six weeks, I added listening to audiobooks to my walk.

I walk, I listen, and I escape from everything.

Or so it feels.

Another new passion is bullet journaling. I love creating stuff, and once a week, I create the spread for the upcoming week. It takes me some time to make the pencil drawings, then make it permanent with a black outline, and color it with either those stunning brush pens or coloring pencils. Sometimes hours go by while I create, and feel totally zen.

In 2019, I wrote I didn’t know how to make time for myself. Thankfully, that is not the case anymore.

What else have I learned?

The most important thing I’ve learned might be that I don’t have to feel guilty wanting time for myself; wanting to escape from everything, if only for a few moments. I’m allowed to take care of myself too, besides taking care of the others who need me.

I love my husband deeply and we are married for better or for worse, and I believe we will be together forever, but I know now taking care of myself and my needs doesn’t take away from my love for him.

Like I did in the past, I still tend to put myself in the last spot, but have learned that it works for the short-term, not so much for the long-term. There comes a time when you burn yourself out and realize you haven’t taken care of the person who is just as important as the one who needs care: YOU!

Me!

It took me years to admit to myself that I need care too; that it’s okay to practice self-care and self-love while taking care of others.

And now I know this, it’s something I will not feel guilty about or lose sight of again.

If you’re thinking of joining Medium, click on my referral link to support me and other writers.

Find more of Marie on her lists, and here…