LIB IT UP

L.A. Liberal in Tesla Livid

The shocking big city tale of a dog with dirty teeth

I know Penelope third hand, so I guess I’m acquainted with her dog, Gizmo, fourth hand. He’s a long-haired mutt from the mean streets of Los Angeles who ended up at the Humane Society, where Penelope adopted him.

Now he rides around the L.A. freeways in a Tesla.

Like all first-world dogs, Gizmo needs his teeth cleaned regularly, so Penelope made an appointment at a highly recommended veterinary office several months ago.

She’s a tall, slim, dishwater-blond who is liberal AF, and belongs to three 12-step groups. She does not go by “Penny.” I do not know this for a fact, but I’d bet dollars to donuts she brushes her teeth twice a day and flosses, too.

Penelope and Gizmo were driving to the vet for the semi-annual teeth cleaning, in the middle of a breezy summer afternoon, without a brushfire in sight.

Gizmo didn’t know where he was headed, and because only 36 hours had passed since the July 4th holiday, he was still coming down from the anti-psychotic Penelope added to his dog chow.

Traffic was light and the words of another L.A. native, Ice Cube wafted through the car from the radio. Sang Mr. Cube, there’s “not a jacker in sight.”

Gizmo and Penelope sailed through green lights once they exited the 101, then pulled into a perfect parking spot right in front. Penelope smiled at Gizmo.

“Who’s a good boy?”

It was then the proverbial turds hit the fan because the waiting room was crowded with other L.A. libs and their designer dogs. It wasn’t quite a Thailand bus scene, but darkness crept into Penelope’s heart. The other dogs weren’t welcoming, either.

There was Rufus, a blue heeler, doing his David Bowie impression with his one blue eye and one brown eye, staring Gizmo down.

Next to Rufus, a $7,000 golden doodle named Thor was sitting in a state of preternatural calm atop a lime-green overstuffed chair, wondering why there was so much panting and mewling. Thor occasionally glanced up at his owner, Lars, as if to say:

“Why are we consorting with these boojie mammals?”

The cats peered out from their wire cages as the receptionist peered out from behind her plastic Covid screen. Penelope tapped her foot and checked her Apple iPhone.

It was 4:10, and she and Gizmo hadn’t been called inside. Here she was, right on time for her 4 pm appointment, and those bastards were late.

She texted a friend.

“I might have to miss the meeting.”

The friend called, as this was clearly a crisis and they had belonged to the same 12-step workaholic group for 26 years.

“What’s going on, Penelope?”

“I’m livid, just livid! I’m here at the vet and they’re late! Fifteen minutes late! And I scheduled this appointment two months ago!”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear you won’t be at the meeting. Has this happened before?”

“No, I’m completely baffled. And deeply disappointed.”

“Well, that’s why we have each other, so we can vent.”

“Good point, and it’s helping. Oh…they called my name! Bye-eeee.”

Ultimately, Penelope and Gizmo waited 20 minutes for a tooth cleaning that day.

Gizmo is a highly sensitive dog (HSD), so the fact that Penelope was in such a kerfuffle was very upsetting to him. He hoped nothing else would go wrong, but of course, it did.

As he came out from under the delicious nothingness of anesthesia, he realized he was lying, passive as an overcooked noodle, in his dog bed in the Tesla. They were not moving.

The Tesla needed a charge.

He looked out the window and saw this was a run-of-the-mill charging station, not a Tesla station. This would mean another tedious wait, adding to his owner’s low mood.

He tilted his limp head at Penelope, who was staring at her phone.

He whined, and she looked down at him.

“You’re a good boy, Gizmo. I’m glad I adopted you, even though I had my eye on a $6,000 Sheepadoodle.”

Gizmo panted, then closed his brown eyes. It had been a very long day in L.A.

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Jean Campbell recently started her first Substack newsletter to laser focus on getting her book, City of Lies: A Street Hustler’s Omaha Story published.