OPEN LETTERS

An Open Letter to My Friend Who is Moving to The South

Grab a sweet tea and listen up, I’m fixin’ to testify

Dear Luis,

So great to hear from you and congrats on getting the hell out of teaching high school, where I watched you endure the most absurd working conditions known to man!

Remember your first year, when you had a cart instead of a classroom? What about year two, when they promoted you with no pay to “mentor” a student teacher?

So you are moving to Georgia? Welcome to the neighborhood, er, region. Ever since the salad days, when we commuted that grueling hour against the blinding morning sun to the hell of student teaching — well, we bonded by getting fat together on daily McDonalds and praying to Cthulu the nightmare would soon end.

From a Yankee who moved to Arkansas over three years ago, here is some friendly advice. From one ex-teacher to another, I bid you welcome to the land of Spanish moss and fruit cobblers.

Swimming

1/ If you swim in a lake or river, always toss in a rock to make sure there are no water moccasins in your swimming hole.

Critters (Part I)

2/ Chiggers are real. Just because you can’t see them doesn’t make them any less powerful or evil — kinda like CIA operatives. My new Instagram handle is ChiggerWarrior_AR. I was in denial my first year, and I could’ve avoided 4,000 itchy bites that made me look the victim of adult whole body acne. Don’t be like me. Order Chigger Off, stat.

Racism

3/ Practice verbal t’ai chi for the racist remarks you will most definitely encounter. I use “Don’t be racist” (spoken in a gentle, neutral tone) and “I don’t endorse intolerance.” Enjoy discovering your own catch phrases!

Speaking English

4/ The English language is far superior down here, despite how Yankee dumbasses love to mock Southern accents. They use ‘y’all’ freely, which is more accurate and versatile than ‘you.’

Example 1: “This here catfish is plenty for y’all two.”

Example 2: “Y’all ever hear that the ‘o’ in opossum is silent?”

Ordering a meal

5/ Take a stand now on grits. For or against? When I ate carbs, I loved ’em sweet with honey, or savory swimming in butter. If you are wondering how to order in a southern restaurant, re-watch this Key and Peele episode:

It’s the Bible Belt

6/ I regret to inform that a church will try to recruit your ass, despite the fact that you are as religious as a ground squirrel and still worship Cthulu. Select a church within the first week, right after you order that Chigger Off, because the best defense is a good offense. I joined the Unitarians but good luck finding any in godforsaken Georgia. Every religion is different. Want a clean and tidy parking lot where you can roller blade? Go Lutheran. Do you love to sing as you praise God? Then you’ll want to become a Baptist.

Drink

7/ Thinking about quitting soda pop? Groovy — we have sweet tea! You can get it anywhere, from McDs to the fanciest eateries. If you don’t want 8 teaspoons of sugar in your tea, politely inform the waitress:

(If she’s single), “Miss, I’d like that unsweet.”

(If she’s married), “Ma’am, could you make that unsweet?”

Gas Stations

8/ You will obviously be taking up fishing. You can buy everything you need, from live bait to a kiddie rod n’ reel, at your local gas station.

General Advice

9/ No doubt there is a podcast dispensing advice for Yankees called Kiss My Grits n’ Guns You Yankee Traitor. If there isn’t, let’s start one! If you can’t find a podcast, download the kick-ass S-Town, which takes place in deepest Alabama.

History

10/ Every year, Pilgrimage begins in early March and extends into mid-April. They have one in Natchez, MS, and a few other southern towns. The preserved plantations open up their doors for tours, proudly celebrating what life was like (for rich white folks) when Slavery ruled this land. These tours are an excellent way to understand Southern nostalgia. I sincerely hope the tour guides are spending more time showing folks the slave quarters (if any still stand) but I have yet to experience Pilgrimage.

Critters (Part II)

11/ In addition to snakes, giant snapping turtles and enormous catfish lurk in the lakes and rivers, maiming hundreds of children every year. Armadillos carry leprosy, and feral hogs roam the hardwood forests. Rumors of land sharks are overstated, however.

Challenged to a Duel?

12/ If someone challenges you to a duel, the correct response is:

“I am a public official, and therefore prohibited from dueling (bitch).”

To avoid lying, go ahead and become a public official — I suggest notary public. For more on how to respond appropriately when someone throws down the gauntlet, refer to the thirty-nine articles that explain the code of honor.

I tried to stop at a dozen gleaming gems of wisdom and sparkling pearls of truth, but why shouldn’t you get a baker’s dozen? The key fact to know about Southerners is they never say anything directly. They won’t tell you how they really feel, but hide their opinions behind a veil of politeness. The most useful phrase to look out for, and master, is:

“Well, bless her (or his) heart!”

Translation: She (or he) is an absolute idiot, but it’s a small town and we can’t get rid of her (or him).

Good Luck,

Yankee-No-More