RELIGION, WORLD NEWS

Joel Osteen’s Latest Sermon Thanks God For The Ukraine War

War is necessary to become better Christians

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If you can’t, then hire Joel Osteen to market his piss.

The motivational speaker disguised as a pastor once again addressed the importance of positive thinking to achieve wealth, this time referencing the Ukraine War. We were curious how the Southerner argued that a European bloody battle for freedom will end in all participants achieving material gain. We tuned into his sermon, titled All In God’s Plan.

Joel Osteen

Thank you so much for tuning in! We’ll keep you encouraged and inspired through our daily podcasts, our YouTube channel, and our OnlyFans. We understand that OnlyFans goes against Christian values for its adult content. However, we found it excellent to show our Lord Jesus enjoying a good old fashioned nailing.

We at Lakewood MegaChurch have the finest citizens of Houston, Texas present. Which is…unfortunately five of us total. The rest have left Texas as a result of Governor Greg Abbott trying to keep the entire state for himself.

Due to the dwindling membership, we at Lakewood are moving to the beautiful state of Kansas. Kansas City has graciously opened their home to us, with their football team funding construction of our UltraMegaChurch. Furthermore, God’s ardent follower, Andy Reid, has vowed to help us. Reid has a remarkable tale of how he carried out God’s orders to win the Super Bowl, and we’ll bring him on stage another time for him to share it.

I’d like to start off with something funny. A man begs for God that he needed money to pay off his debts. God told him that if he was good and obedient, the opportunity will follow. The man changed his ways and became a loyal citizen. He helped the elderly walk across the street. He spent his free time feeding the homeless. He even found $600,000 that was stolen and buried in the wall of the Lakewood Megachurch, and gave it back to me! Time passed, the man died. At the pearly gates, the man said to God, “I became a good citizen under your orders. Why didn’t you make me wealthy?” God looked at him. “What did you do with the $600,000 I gave you?”

Alright, now let’s begin. This is my Bible. I am what I say I am. I can do what it says I can do. I boldly confess, my mind is alert, my heart is receptive, my genitals are tucked away in front of the alter boys. In Jesus’s name.

I want to talk to you about God’s plan. No, not the song by Drake. God has a plan for all of us. It’s hard to keep going when there’s no end in sight. It’s tough for America to survive when Russia and Ukraine are fighting. It is a shame that their bloodbath is causing us to spend far more in grocery and gas. But remember. The Lord works in mysterious ways. So many innocent lives were taken just to remind us Christians the Bible lessons we’ve forgotten long ago. I’d like to remind you of all these lessons today.

Samuel 17: David and Goliath. David killed the Philistine giant with nothing but a sling shot and the will of God. Ukraine did the same with Russia. Despite Russian soldiers far outnumbering Ukrainian soldiers, the Ukranian soldiers suffered 10x less casualties than Russian soldiers did. God tested Ukraine’s resilience, and Ukraine passed.

Timothy 6:7–8: For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Ukrainian refugees lost families, homes, and freedoms during the war. However, they are still able to be content with nothing. This is a stark contrast to us Americans, who fought each other for last scrap of toilet paper in March 2020.

Genesis 1:26–28: God created man and woman in his image just so they can rule the world. He made these two beings so that they can procreate. There is no mention of transgender, as it is a sin in the Bible. Case in point: Vladimir Putin. Putin wants to invade Ukraine to solidify his status as a mother, which goes against what God designed him as. Putin’s losses is a result of defying God by becoming a transgender female.

Everyone in this war has sinned. Ukrainians and Russians have sinned for killing people. Putin has sinned for becoming a transgender. However, they all won’t go to hell. They will always be welcome in the Lakeview Megachurch anytime. I don’t ostracize anyone for sinning because I believe in God. And God is a God of mercy. We all make mistakes, but we will get back on the path of righteousness when we ask God for forgiveness.

Before we end, I want to give thanks. Thank you Lord, for bestowing on us the Ukraine War. Thank you for sacrificing 900 innocent Ukrainian lives just so we Christians can learn how to be grateful, resilient, and heterosexual. Thank you for creating Vladimir Putin just to show us what happens if we defy our biological gifts. Thank you for creating a war for basic human rights just so the rest of us don’t have to reread the Bible.

Vladimir Putin, if you’re listening, I would like to give you the opportunity to make Jesus the Lord of your life. Will you pray with me? Just say “Lord Jesus, I’ve repented my sins. Come into my heart. I’ll make you my lord and savior.” Putin, if you prayed that simple prayer, I believe you will get born again. Not as a Christian, but as a straight man. I hope you get into a good Bible-based church and keep God first place.

We reached out to God to ask him why he started the war in Ukraine. God facepalmed for 666 seconds.

“Jesus. Christ. What is this utter nonsense. Why do religious twats think the world revolves around them? That every drastic event in life is supposed to be impactful in their personal story? Things happen because they JUST HAPPEN!

“I DO NOT create history to help them develop as humans! I. AM. GOD! I just create and regulate the laws of nature! Any extent to which I control humans is through personality tweaks before they are born. After that, they are on their own. I don’t control their growth!”

God slammed his fists muttering.

“God dammit. Now, I gotta spend my afternoon answering a bunch of nonsense prayers. I would be better off getting Tim Tebow another chance in the NFL.”

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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