NOT COOL

Jay and Jade Keep Texting

Who’s Flipper?

First, my name is not Land. You know this. A bunch of other people know this. Guess who doesn’t know this? Jay and Jade, the infamous texters.

Second, I’m extremely busy doing dumb things. I don’t need the distraction of dumb requests to do even dumber things all the dumb time.

Third, what’s this with ‘Land’? Does Jay think I’m the noun or the verb? How would Land answer? Like soil or a pilot?

Fine. Who cares. Words are words. Except Jay and Jade are pests. They text me regularly about excessively juvenile matters. I don’t have time for this. As Andy Samberg says, I’m an adult!

What would you do? You’re an adult. How would you respond to this theft of time and attention?

Here’s the back and forth with the address omitted, which isn’t even my address or close to my address. As Liz Lemon says, What the what?

JAY TEXT:

Land, I’m work for a flipper. I wanted to ask if you’d entertain a proposal for us to buy [address] from you. Would you be open with us? Jay

STEPH RESPONSE:

Dear Jay, I’m be open with you, Jay. Why do you call your boss a flipper, Jay? Am you working in the ocean? Lol. Funny, right? No! Not funny! Why you asking me about entertainment? Ask Andy Samberg or Liz Lemon about that! Oh I’m be open with you, Jay!

Here’s another one, but this time it’s ole Incognito texting because now Jay is too scaredy a marine worker.

INCOGNITO TEXT:

Land, we found $967.21 under your name in the VA UnpaidFundDatabase: grabyourowedfunds.com to accept your funds or Stop to Stop

STEPH RESPONSE:

Dear Incognito, where’d you find that much money under my name? Where’s my name, btw? Is it on a farm where there’s Land? Did you find almost $1K sitting under Land? You know what we call that in the real world, Incognito? Underground. Is that where my money is?? Underground?! Did you grab my funds? Btw, how do you stop to stop? Is that like toe to toe? Cheek to cheek? Funny, right? No! NOT FUNNY!

Here’s Jay again, because he can’t stop to stop.

JAY TEXT:

Land, so sorry for the casual text. I’m reaching out about [address]. Please let me know if you have any interest in making a deal. Thanks, Jay

STEPH RESPONSE:

Jay, Jay, Jay. Did your mother teach you nothing? There is no Casual Text at work. There is Casual Friday which is now Casual MonThruFri. If you text for work, be formal and serious, not cereal. You’re being super cereal, like Manbearpig. You’re not sorry, Jay. Admit it. NO DEAL.

That clearly made an impression because then I got this.

JAY TEXT:

Hi Land, sorry for the text! I’m reaching out about [address]. Please let me know if you have any interest in making a deal. Jay

STEPH REPONSE:

Don’t be sorry, Jay. Be quiet. Anyway, as for the deal, let me think. I’m thinking. Thinking. I’m still thinking. Sorry for the wait! But still thinking. More thinking. Pondering at this point. Sorry for the pondering! I’m reaching out to tell you I’m still wondering about the deal and imagining and considering. Now I’m questioning. Back to thinking. I’ll have to let you know, Jay.

I tricked him, right?

At this point, Jay got the message that I don’t like him cereal or serious, so he either faked his identity or Flipper hired new staff. What do you think?

JADE TEXT:

Hi Land! This is Jade again. Hope you are doing well. Just reaching out again to let you know we’re still buying properties. Fully funded. The money always goes straight to the owners. Let’s have a quick chat.

STEPH RESPONSE:

Jade, let’s see if I got this straight. If I sell my property, then the property has a new owner, and then the money goes straight to them?? I know an inverse Ponzi scheme when I see one. Where’s Jay, btw? Are you the new aquatic hire? I don’t know anyone who can have a ‘quick chat’, btw. That’s ludicrous. Do I seem hoodwinkable? Everyone wants to chat and chat and chat. You know it and I know it. Jade, are you really Jay in disguise?

Then one day I wised up and realized I could lead this texting scheme into a trap like the mouse on your snack shelf that’s just asking for a consequence. Watch this.

MYSTERY TEXT:

Hi Land we are in search for homes or units in Falls Church. Are you looking to hear an offer on [address]?

STEPH RESPONSE:

To Whom It May Concern, I just might be interested in an offer. The problem is I can’t look to hear anything, as my optic nerve is not connected to my auditory nerve. However, I read something interesting. Apparently, when my optic nerve picks up, say, a mouse caught red handed, and my auditory nerve picks up its squealing, then there might be a neural collaboration on to what to do about that unwanted mouse. Or some such. Anyway, if you want to meet up, I can meet you at noon in the middle of Falls Church in our underwear. See and hear you soon!

I should have written for a forensic detective show.

Anyway, I went to the middle of Falls Church at noon to put an end to this Jay-Jade business. I waited for a while, but nobody ever showed. Instead, the dang phone beeped with another useless text about deals and steals, but I couldn’t look at it. The cop was standing there yakking on about me sitting there alone in my undies.

“What’s your name, ma’am?”

“Land, officer,” I said, “like a pilot does.” Except then I threw my shorts on and took off out of there. I had so many dumb things to do. For one, go find all my money underground.

Thank you, BOFace, for getting this off the ground. You’re my co-pilot.