WRITING
Jasper Owns My Anxiety
Learning about life through my characters
TW: Talk of characters as personas may be triggering to some with DID.
This is my Character Reflection series. I write fiction and every character is as real to me as anyone who exists outside of my brain and what I’ve learned is that each character is a part of me. A part that I need to reflect on, develop, or perhaps, acknowledge. What have I learned from each of my characters? For each article, I roll a D20 to decide who I shall explore. Join me on this odd journey!
Ok, let’s roll for character… 1! That’s a natural 1. Who did I put in that position? My little DnD heart is scared… but it’s okay. I hope. Let’s see… Oh, it’s Jasper. Yay — I’m so happy right now. I adore Jasper and he really has taught me so much. Not a bad roll at all :)
Meet Jasper
First Strike Series — Book 3: Calling the Shots (coming soon)
Like every character I’ve reflected on until this point, Jasper is prominent in my ongoing experience. Unlike some of the others, he is consistent. Jasper never leaves. He is a comfort, a son, a brother, a bestie, and a companion.
Jasper first appears in Calling the Shots, book 3 of the First Strike Series. He is the only main character throughout the series that is not an iStrike player or staff member.
He is possibly my most mentally and emotionally complicated character to date dealing with extreme anxiety, depression, Tourette Syndrome (TS), and probably undiagnosed ADHD and ASD. Add to that living in a physically abusive environment.
And yet, Jasper is without a doubt the most giving, beautiful, honest, and open character and soul to ever invade my thoughts.
What have I learned about myself through Jasper?
- That I have anxiety
- To destroy my filters
- Perspective!
Jasper is the Keeper of My Anxiety
I didn’t know I had anxiety until Jasper turned up and highlighted it in rainbow colors. From the moment Jasper made himself known, things changed. At the time, I didn’t think it was a good change. I thought I’d just have to wade through a month of writing and of feeling his intense anxiety, and then, it would be gone.
I was wrong!
Not only did the anxiety stick around, but I learned it was a part of me that I was hiding from and behind. The mask I had created and learned to wear for the comfort of others was extroverted and carefree. It was never me. In breaking away another part of that mask, Jasper showed himself and in him, I saw the reflection of me, which is always the way.
But Jasper taught me that anxiety is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s a great way to sort out those who want me to put the mask back on and those who are comfortable with ALL of me (though I am not ALL of me yet). Anxiety can be fun too. Stimming is a great way to redirect anxious energy and stimming without self-consciousness is fun, freeing, and gets the dopamine flowing.
Filter Destruction
Anxiety is one thing but my Jasper also has TS. His TS shows up as twitches and movements, sounds and vocalizations, repetitive speech, and echolalia. His anxiety is highest when he is actively working against his tics and trying desperately to filter himself to avoid the abuse he endured from the one person who was supposed to love him unconditionally. Given that for most of the book, Jasper is in an abusive household (and chooses to remain there to protect his adolescent brother, Max), his anxiety levels were extreme. After his housing situation was resolved, his anxiety levels dropped significantly but that was because he was finally free to let go of his filters. He found his real family — those that loved and accepted him as he was. And so, Jasper teaches me to do the same — to stop filtering myself through someone else’s expectations. To stop HIDING.
Perspective
Jasper absolutely taught me to be grateful and to see the world from a different perspective. To break free of the little box I’d created in an attempt to contain my existence behind the mask. Jasper, in spite of the crappy hand he’d been dealt, still knew who he was. He was never embarrassed about his TS and still isn’t. He isn’t embarrassed about his anxiety and he isn’t embarrassed about the abuse he endured. He hid it only while he needed to protect Max. Jasper encouraged others to do the same because life is too fleeting to care what others think.
What Does it all Mean?
Jasper has been one of the most important characters in my personal journey to self. He arrived in December and I believe with all my heart and soul that he was the one that gave me the strength to finally distance myself from a toxic family. We were stimming off our heads for a few weeks there — I bought two chew necklaces, a spin ring, and a few stimming toys which were so necessary to re-direct that energy. I don’t deny my anxiety anymore. I allow it to come through and I enjoy it because I know that it is a sign that I am not masking. Jasper is still right here with me and he is the voice of reason as often as he is the voice of stupidity (he definitely has much to do with my 12-year-old boy brain).
Thank you, Jasper. I love you!
Reflecting on Personal Growth
This is how I learn about myself. This is how I manage my experiences and find those hidden parts of me that all come together to create my ultimate upgrade. It works for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wonder about others. I feel like everyone has their own way of learning and growing and I suppose it makes sense that it would be through their own passion and that could be anything for anyone. I can speak on my own experience and reflections, but I’m not here to gatekeep anyone else’s experience. Do you relate?
