It’s Self-Harm Awareness Month — My Humiliating Tale Revealed

Hurting ourselves isn’t always done intentionally.

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I feel terrible for the poor souls who purposely inflict pain on themselves. Whether it’s doing things that you know are bad for your health, abusing alcohol, drugs, or food, or more overt things like cutting, it’s done because of emotional pain. I’m not one of those folks, but I’ve caused myself plenty of pain unintentionally. I’m sure you have, too. It’s human nature. Here’s my self-deprecating tale.

I was on the bathroom floor in the hotel room that I shared with two best friends. The room was whirling. The nauseating spinning wouldn’t stop despite being on all fours on the cold tile. I didn’t think I’d consumed that much alcohol, so why was I so drunk and sick?

I didn’t know which was worse, my nausea and throbbing head or self-recrimination. I was so angry with myself for being in that condition. If I’d had the strength, I would have slapped myself. I kept wailing, to my friend’s chagrin, “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I did this.” 😫

We were in Saint Louis, Missouri, for Christian author and speaker Joyce Meyer’s 25th Annual Women’s Conference. It was the sixth time I attended this fabulous gathering of like-minded women who enjoy basking in God’s presence, singing along to uplifting worship music, and hearing great teachings.

I was thrilled that two of my closest friends joined me. We’d spent two nights and three days being filled with the Holy Spirit. We’d witnessed and been a party to miracles. We were amped up on Jesus. I shouldn’t have felt the need to drink at all. So why did I?

Celebrating with alcohol was a big part of my life; at the time, I’d owned and operated a legendary biker bar for over eleven years. God performed amazing miracles for me since I returned to my faith in 2002. However, I was a work in progress.

My husband had been sober for almost two years. His health had improved dramatically. Our marriage had been redeemed and was flourishing.

And here I was, the last night of a Christian conference, lying on a bathroom floor, drunk and stupid. My pal Jeannie would attest to the dimwitted part. She said she thought about slapping me herself after many attempts to get me off the floor and into bed. She finally left me on the floor, praying that God would not let me drown in my vomit, and went to bed.

Why would I share such a humiliating story about myself? Why would I admit that I totally messed up regardless of being a woman of faith? At a Christian conference, no less? I’ll tell you why. I want folks to know that God isn’t looking for perfect people. He isn’t waiting for you to be good enough to call you His child. God loves you just the way you are, no matter how many times you made a mess of your life.

He’s looking for willing hearts who believe Christ died on the cross to pay for their sins. Jesus wants you to believe in Him and become one of His redeemed children. He wants you to know that you are forgiven. As long as we keep telling ourselves we are not worthy, we can’t draw near His throne of grace.

Let us, therefore, draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and may find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16, the Living Bible

Have you done something that made you feel unworthy of God’s love? Have you avoided inviting Him into your heart and life because you think you need to clean yourself up first? Please don’t make that mistake.

When I renewed my relationship with Christ, I cussed like a sailor, drank like a fish, and wouldn’t have known humility if it slapped me upside the head. We serve a loving, forgiving, miracle-working God. My life was a disaster, and now I’m overrun with blessings. Give Jesus a try. You will be glad you did.

Do you have a story to tell? We all do. If you are like me, you’ve grown the most in difficult times. I’ve done a lot of stupid things that cost me dearly. Now, my mess is my message. I can look people in the eye, say, “I know what you’re going through,” and mean it. It’s much easier to help someone get through something you’ve survived.

Don’t regret your mistakes. Give them to God and see what He can do with them. You might be amazed.

Here’s a story about a veteran who was so desperate to get out of the military that he shot himself in the leg. It saddened and angered me.

Alina’s story addresses the self-harm issue in the bravest way. The words she ends her post with are great to hear from someone who did so much harm to herself. “And with each day, I’m learning to embrace the person I am, scars and all, and to live a life that’s true to myself.”

If you have a story to share, the supportive folks at Medium would love to read it. You never know who will help with your story. Thanks for reading.