The 3 Ways I Harmed Myself (Without Even Noticing)

Sometimes self-harming isn’t that obvious

Self-harm is something a lot of people go through, but it’s often kept hidden. To this day, I myself am very ashamed of my self-destructive behaviors. I just don’t want to be judged as the “crazy person”.

And I think this is exactly why I have to open up about it. We need to break the silence around it. By sharing my experiences, I hope to show others they’re not alone and that there’s hope for healing.

So, here’s the story of how I hurt myself in many different ways, sometimes without even noticing it, but also how I found strength and grew from those experiences.

Cutting myself as a teenager

As a teenager, I thought it was strange how some kids at school would cut themselves. It just didn’t make sense to me why someone would do that to themselves.

But later on, when my mother’s addiction started spinning completely out of control, I found myself feeling overwhelmed by my emotions. That’s when I started scratching myself as a way to cope. It was like a little relief from all the chaos inside my head.

Eventually, though, those scratches weren’t enough to ease the pain, so I turned to using razor blades. It sounds crazy now, but at the time, it felt like the only way to deal with everything I was going through.

I got pretty good at hiding the scars, always wearing long sleeves and pants to cover them up. I kept cutting myself until I was in my early twenties. That’s when I thought I had finally moved past it.

But looking back, the pain and struggles were still there, buried deep inside. Even though I stopped cutting myself, I didn’t confront the topics that led to my self-harm.

And oh man, did it catch up with me later.

Continuing Self-Harm Without Realizing It

Years went by, and I thought I had moved on from my old struggles with self-harm. By my mid-20s, I began studying as the first person in my family to pursue higher education.

The processes were unfamiliar to me, and the workload was immense. Additionally, I worked two part-time jobs just to finance my studies. In short, I was completely overwhelmed.

It didn’t help that I believed my ‘leisure time’ as a student should consist of going out as often as possible. My then-boyfriend and I were part of a group of students who met almost every day, usually with a few beers or some bottles of wine involved.

But it was the weekends that got really out of control. We’d party all night long, sometimes without any sleep at all. With my two jobs and studying on top of that, I didn’t give myself any time to recover.

As the weekends blurred into each other, I began to feel mentally unstable and completely burnt out. I remember thinking that I was on the best path to follow in my mother’s footsteps.

However, it took much more for me to finally realize that I couldn’t continue this way.

Hurting Myself with Food Restrictions

Although I partied a lot — and definitely abused alcohol in the process — I was much more concerned about my partner. I wanted to steer away from our lifestyle more and more. However, he couldn’t stop.

There were increasing conflicts about his consumption behavior. He drank almost every day and smoked weed non-stop; things that triggered my childhood trauma enormously.

It was like watching him slowly killing himself, and I didn’t know how to reach him. Feeling helpless, I turned to a familiar coping mechanism — self-harm. However, once again, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

Instead of facing my problems and the problems in our relationship, I stopped eating. The constant hunger became a way for me to ignore what was really going on.

I was so focused on food — or the lack of it — that I didn’t have to think about his struggles anymore. It was like a really unhealthy distraction. My nerves wore thin. Just like my weight.

It was at this point, that I finally realized, I had to make a change. I decided to start therapy.

It was only then, after a long time of pretending everything was fine, that I was fine, I saw the truth: the partying and food restrictions were just another way I was hurting myself. It was like I was trying to drown out and starve my problems, but all it did was make everything worse.

Each Step Forward Is a Victory

One thing I’ve learned is that we have to pay attention to our behaviors. Sometimes, the signs of self-harm aren’t that obvious, and we have to take a closer look at what we’re doing to really understand what’s going on inside.

Cutting, food restrictions, partying — for me, they all seemed like ways to deal with things. Turns out, they aren’t. Now that I’ve walked away from those destructive habits and ended therapy, I’m trying to be more aware of how I cope with things.

It’s not easy, though. Without self-harm to fall back on, I’m left with a flood of emotions that can be really uncomfortable to deal with sometimes. But that’s a story for another day.

However, even though recovery is hard, I try to see the positive: I know there will be ups and downs in my life. But each step forward is a victory, a reminder that I’m stronger than the struggles I’ve faced.

And with each day, I’m learning to embrace the person I am, scars and all, and to live a life that’s true to myself.

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