It’s Okay to Let Go of Old Friendships
Sometimes a friendship has served its purpose.
You are not obligated to continue a friendship forever just because you shared a few fun times together. It’s no different than deciding you don’t want to date someone anymore. Dates and relationships come and go; so do friendships. It’s okay to put them in the “someone I used to know” category.
I’ve learned to be very careful about who I let into my life because while we may hit it off at first, over time I’ll learn that we just don’t have too much in common. I’ve also found myself highly frustrated with lonely people who try to latch onto me without a care in the world that they’re invading my space. One smile and conversation doesn’t mean I want to be friends for life; it means we somehow ran into one another and I’m being polite. As an introvert, there is only so much social activity I can take. My small quality network of friends has been built over time with meaningful connections and I’m not looking for more. That also means I’ve willingly let go of non-quality friendships because, let’s face it, I just don’t have room for nonsense in my life. Reconnecting with people from decades ago doesn’t interest me. I’ve grown up and not who I used to be.
Friendships develop everywhere; work, neighborhood, parties, friends of friends, social events, or a favorite weekend activity like at a campground. That’s how I’ve met my closest friends, and my not-so-close acquaintances feel they mean a lot to me, and they quickly become attachments I have to manage, and that that takes an enormous amount of energy out of me. People think that because I’m alone, I want to have a conversation and that’s not the case. So, when I’m walking around anywhere and have my head down and staring at the floor or sidewalk, it’s because I don’t want to be approached, not because I’m depressed or questioning my self-worth.
I am only one person with a very simple and quiet life. Rarely is there excitement to brag about, so they’re not missing much. I’ve also learned that most people don’t want to know how I am, they just want to tell me how they are, and their lives are usually a mess.
When I started my career in the insurance industry in the 1990s, there were plenty of mentors and other struggling agents. I maintained relationships with a few of them after I left, and one of them for a few years. Initially, we would go to lunch once a month and eventually limited it to texting each other on birthdays. After a while, I stopped responding completely, and he still texts me to check in at least twice a year. Why did I choose to let this one go? Because I realized that the content of our conversations was based solely on his desire to talk about sex. He’s married, about twenty years older than I am, and I’m just not that person. There were no other topics available other than him switching companies and trying to recruit my business. I’m not up for that, either, because I’m already loyal to my original trusted advisors.
Another close friendship faded, by my choice, because he is ten years younger than I am and we were in different phases in our lives. He was one who had to be constantly entertained and I’m one who needs space, privacy, and down time, none of which he respected. He was needy, invasive, and inappropriate by sending frequent texts begging for my friendship (and more): Do you miss me? Are you mad at me? Are we still friends? Hey, pay attention to me!!!! I finally told him that I didn’t want to communicate as often and to please respect my privacy, and his texts kept on flowing in. If I responded, he’d cling to me like white on rice. If I didn’t respond, he peppered me with more of the same. I finally stopped responding altogether and he’d check in every few weeks. I eventually had to have another male friend of mine, who he didn’t know, send him a text from his phone pretending to be my husband and to leave me alone. He finally did. This is one of those examples of how someone inspires me not to be like them!
After I was at a new company for about six months, I was standing outside having a cigarette and walking towards me is another person I used to be friends with. She was there for an interview. Years ago, I thought we were pretty good friends. When we lost our jobs, we brainstormed about opening a business together. She lent me her bicycle and drove me to class when I got my DUI, she’d invite me over for dinner occasionally, and we’d talk often. She said she couldn’t afford to come to my wedding (three hours away) and instead bought a $500 Coach purse and other expensive items on a shopping spree. A night at a hotel would have been less than half that. Her mother is diabetic and took a bad fall in the shower. My “friend” didn’t bother to take her to the hospital and when our group of friends rallied around to check on her mother a couple days later, her blood sugar was so low that she nearly died if they hadn’t gotten her to the ER. Then this individual was shocked when the state got involved and did an investigation. Apparently, she used my name as a reference (without asking me) and the hiring manager wanted my opinion. I gave it to him and he hired her anyway, so I told everyone in my department that there is this woman I used to work with who is now working here and she’s going to come by looking for me. “I am NOT friends with this person — you don’t know where I am, and you barely know me!” As an extra precaution, I took down my nameplate. She kept calling and stopping by my desk, all of which I ignored. When we finally did run into each other again, she said, “Man, you’re a hard person to find! We need to catch up sometime!” Shortly after that, I left the company, never to speak to her again.
I made a few friends at a company I worked for over a decade ago and stayed in touch with most of them for the following five years or so; a couple of them even came to my wedding. A couple of years ago, I was offered a contracting position at the same company. Most of you probably would have jumped at the chance to send them all a note and say, “Hey, guys, I’m coming back — let’s catch up!” Not me. I made a concentrated effort to make sure no one I used to work with (who are still there) knew I was back. It’s a huge campus and we were in different buildings, so I got away with it for the twenty months I was there. I’m at a different point in my life now. It wouldn’t have been a simple lunch here and there, it would have evolved into doing happy hour every month, emailing and instant messaging all day long, constant smoke breaks, visiting each other in our cubes, and texting during off-work hours. Plus, I would have to have had the same conversation with several different people. Let’s put that on paper.
My Life in a Nutshell Since 2009:
Put my 16-year-old cat down — he had hyperthyroidism and pancreatic cancer.
Accelerated my MBA program and graduated in three years instead of four and worked part-time.
Got married and divorced.
Worked for one company for four years.
Bought a new car.
Pothead dumped me on our six month anniversary.
Executive ghosted me after whirlwind romance.
Worked for another company for a year and then quit on a post-it note.
Published a book.
Earned Preferred Freelancer badge on Freelancer.com.
Bonus material — my camper had a branch through the roof and caused $6,000 worth of damage, I was attacked with Ransomware, both my cats got fleas, mom and dad’s cat died, I welcomed three nephews into the family, I bought a couple of guns, had some arm pain, found my birth family, went to Key West and Mexico, and took in a cat that peed all over the carpet and had to replace it with vinyl flooring and she was diagnosed with diabetes, and my other cat is pawing at The Rainbow Bridge.
There. Some great, some not so great. You’re all caught up now!
And that’s solely the social aspect. What about keeping up with life in general? Let’s put that on paper, too.
Per Day:
60 new emails, 8 phone calls — some spam. Listen to voice messages; if call back, the conversation is at least 15 minutes. 7 texts — initial texts — respond, get answer, respond back…because it’s never just 1 or 2, it’s a whole conversation
Neighbors visiting
Bid on jobs
Publish an article
Cats — litter box, throw up, basic attention, puppy pads, sterilize, refresh food, change water bowls
Laundry, dishes, bathroom, vacuum, garbage, recycling
Shower
Walk — so I can take a few short breaks
Go through paper mail
Shop for groceries
Refill humidifier
Pay bills
Eat
And if I’m lucky, I can watch my favorite TV show uninterrupted.
I feel overwhelmed with the demands that I have already and to welcome those individuals back into my life would only complicate things. If I wanted to be in their lives, I would have made a grand effort to remain in them. If it sounds harsh, it’s easiest for me to declare that I guess I’m not as social as everyone else needs me to be. And I’m not apologizing for that. Again, my life is simple, and I see no valid reason why I should invite chaos and disruption. I’m a writer, freelancer, and a caretaker of a terminally ill old cat. I’m accountable to my parents, aunts, sister, four brothers, five closest friends, neighbors, keeping a home, and finding a little time to breathe. I have no desire to reconnect and, truth be told, I just don’t like talking about myself. I’m either working or looking for work. What’s to know?
Friendship takes time and energy. My network of quality friends has been intentionally designed to include people who are emotionally stable, responsible, and respectful of my lifestyle. We don’t require each other’s presence and constant communication, and we share the big moments in a meaningful way. We aren’t trying to fill a void with countless connections and activity, we don’t live in the past, and we know when it’s time to let go of friendships and relationships that are holding us back from achieving our goals. We are at peace.
And that’s okay.
Thanks for reading! And remember — Smart people read. Smarter people write!
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