I Propose Pre-Ghosting
I know myself and it’s time to be honest about it.
We all know what the world thinks of ghosting: Whoever does it is a lying, self-serving coward and whoever is on the receiving end of it is left in a state of total devastation, confusion, and rumination of self-doubt.
Even though the concept is getting huge visibility from every walk of life and we’re sadly getting used to it, nobody likes being ghosted. We’re big people. We can handle the truth. So, let’s just admit we may ghost from time to time and set someone up for it ahead of time.
I’ll go first.
“I never give out my phone number because I hate the phone and don’t like to spend all my time talking and texting. I have a lot to do. While I really like you today, because you’re new and no one has piqued my interest in at least six months except for you, I know that my interest will likely fade in a week. Maybe two. It could even take a couple of months. I know me. You’ll say or do something that doesn’t sit well with me and I’ll mark that as inventory in the back of my mind. Let’s face it. I like you because you haven’t disappointed me yet and while I hope you won’t, I’m pretty sure you will, so let’s get that out of the way. When you do, I’ll answer you less and less. I’ll never reach out to you because I don’t want you to have false hope that my contacting you means something.
Oh. And I’m an introvert. So when I feel that my space has been sufficiently invaded by you, and because I know I’m not going to fall in love with you anyway (if I were, I wouldn’t be telling you all this), then we can both part ways knowing we enjoyed our time together while it lasted.
No need to check on each other in the future. I’ll assume that you’re okay or met someone else. And if you’re not…what in the world can I do about it anyway? Thanks for playing and being here until I decide otherwise.”
Allow me to explain one example of how I’ve arrived at this new, honest approach to avoid unnecessarily hurting someone who is innocent and has the audacity to fall in love:
I was a cashier in a liquor store and developed a crush on one of the wine department managers. Full disclosure…I knew that I’d flirt with him. I knew he’d fall for me. I knew we’d have to keep our relationship a secret and the excitement of that was a wonderful high. I knew we’d give each other something to look forward to, both at work and outside of work. I knew we’d make each other laugh. I knew we’d have amazing intimate relations. I knew I’d enjoy his family and his family would like having me around. I knew we’d fight and make up. I knew we’d exchange presents. He bought me these two because he learned I love dolphins!
I also knew it wouldn’t last. Why? Because there was no way I could take him home to my parents. Because I knew I was lonely and looking to fill a temporary void. My feelings for him were real and I was genuine and faithful in our relationship, and our time together certainly wasn’t a lie. But I knew in my heart it wasn’t going to be long-term. I wasn’t ashamed of him, but since I’m being completely honest, I knew we’d be judged as a couple, and I wasn’t grown up enough yet to not care about that type of thing.
He lived with his twin brother, was about a decade older, had long rebel-like stringy hair because he was balding on top and didn’t bother to brush his hair during the day. He was a couple inches shorter than I am and even weighed less than I do. He hadn’t been in a relationship in fifteen years. He had no friends or social life to speak of — he went to work and went home — that was his existence. He was loyal, kind, hard-working, intelligent, funny, and very shy. But man, slinging cases of wine around all day did huge favors for his body!!
One day, I asked him to come over and hang my Christmas lights, and so it began, our eight week rendezvous. Soon he was cooking me dinner, introducing me to his family, spending the night at my place, inviting me to stay the weekend at his place, secretly exchanging looks at work, and doing all the things people do in relationships. He had no idea the end was sooner than he had expected. There were only so many hiking stories I could listen to and that’s all he did in his free time.
In my defense, ghosting wasn’t a thing at the time and I had never been on the receiving end of it. Eventually, I was, and it was the worst devastation in my entire life and finally made me empathetic to what I had done. Let me tell you, I feel like the biggest immature and hurtful hag in the world. What I never considered was what it would do to him. I didn’t exactly ghost him, though. It was more of a slow fade out where he finally just said, “You’re not interested in me anymore” when he gave me a beautiful necklace as we sat by my fireplace and I barely had the decency to say, “Thank you, I love it.” Being the spectacular human being that he is, he insisted I keep the necklace and kindly left my home, after one simple statement: My brother asked me what I was going to do when you dumped me. Now I guess we’ll find out.
It takes a great deal of self-reflection to grow into a better person after knowingly setting someone up for heartbreak. In my head, I’d like to tell you that I didn’t know I was going to hurt him too badly and that he’d see me the same way as I saw him…temporary. I’d also like to be able to tell you that never in a million years would I have anticipated he would have fallen so hard for me. I did. What I didn’t realize is the devastation I left in my wake. Unrequited love would have been a gift to him at that point in lieu of being trampled all over.
I didn’t understand until he later wrote me a letter begging for my friendship and to stay in his life in any capacity. He wrote, in part: I feel like an abandoned tiger pacing back and forth in his cage without a hope in the world…please don’t go away completely…you want a friend, too, and I need this job bad.
Gut wrenching, heartbreaking, and utterly transparent and vulnerable. He was a good, kind, gentle man who didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and what’s worse, I initiated the whole thing. He didn’t shyly approach me and ask me on a date — I went full-force into flirt tornado mode and uprooted his entire universe. And then I took it away.
The only saving grace we both had is that since no one knew we were together to begin with, no one had to explain it to anyone. Shoot, that’s not saving grace, either, because while I was off moving on, he had no one to talk to except his brother. When we go through something like this, we need an entire network of people to support us, and I deprived him of that dignity.
And when I say I was moving on, that part of the story is even worse than what you’ve read so far. My brother was getting married in Mexico and before I left for the trip, I had bought my “boyfriend” a silver fortune cookie present with a customized message that read, “I will not look back later and realize how great you are, I realize it right now.” It was in a really fancy gift box and classy bow along with a card telling him how much I was going to miss him and couldn’t wait to see him when I got back in a week and…I love you so very much… I called him as I was traveling with my parents and we had a layover in Arizona and a couple times over the next couple days from Mexico.
That’s where I met my future husband. Well, now ex-husband. Payback…karma…all true! I do need to note here that I did not, repeat, did not cheat on him. I was in Mexico for a week and it’s not my style to jump into bed with strangers, especially when I had adjoining rooms with my parents, and I didn’t anticipate that we would later get married. He lived three hours away and a long-distance relationship wasn’t on my to-do list, especially since I was already happy.
Since I was — get this — afraid of hurting his feelings, I didn’t even tell him I had met someone else in Mexico. No, I had to drag it out for a few days until he finally figured out my heart wasn’t with him anymore. To add insult to injury after he was such a gentleman for weeks, my new man walked into work with flowers for me. As much as I tried to hide a new relationship from him, I hadn’t considered a surprise visit that would twist the knife into this amazing soul.
I could leave this part out, but why stop here? After I was married and still working as a cashier, there were more happy hours and work events and reunions with old employees — he witnessed my new relationship blossom into a marriage and still, through everything, smiled at me every time with sadness in his eyes. And to top it off, I’d take it upon myself to approach him and hug him from behind as he always loved, constantly reminding him of what he fell for in the first place and missed every second of every day since.
He even bought us a wedding present…not a dolphin so that my new husband wouldn’t be jealous that he was my ex-boyfriend (or, just maybe, he was wishing my new husband luck!), it was this beautiful framed cardinal picture, also a symbol of his generosity, as cardinals remind me of my late grandmother. I love them because she loved them. And now every time I walk into my kitchen, I am greeted with bittersweet love and shame.
What I learned from this is that I know myself well enough to know who will be temporary and who has the potential to be long-term. Never again will I get involved with anyone that I could hurt and I approach it differently now by being honest up-front. I’ve been single so long that it would take an extraordinary act of God for me to want someone in my space again, and when that time comes, I’ll know the difference between self-serving behavior and the real deal.
To my victim — if you’re reading this — I’m sorry. You made a difference in my life and I’ll never regret our time together. I know you’re healed by now as it has been over a decade, and you remain in my heart as one of the greatest life lessons I’m sorry we both had to experience. I’ll never forget you, and I still have that picture of us.
Thanks for reading! And remember — Smart people read. Smarter people write!
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