avatarElle Beau ❇︎

Summary

The article argues that a partner's role is not to provide happiness but to act as a catalyst for personal growth and self-discovery.

Abstract

Contrary to fairy-tale narratives, the article emphasizes that a partner's primary function is not to ensure one's happiness. Instead, it posits that a healthy relationship serves as a 'learning lab' where individuals confront their issues, heal old wounds, and evolve into better versions of themselves. The author suggests that challenges in relationships are essential for growth, likening the pleasant aspects of partnership to a 'numbing agent' that makes the difficult parts more bearable. The concept of soulmates is redefined as those who push us to grow rather than complete us, and it's acknowledged that soulmates can take various forms, not limited to romantic partners. The article concludes that understanding a partner's true role leads to a happier existence, as it encourages individuals to address their personal shortcomings.

Opinions

  • Disney princess movies have propagated unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, promoting the idea that a partner should be the sole source of love and happiness.
  • Possessiveness and jealousy are misconstrued as signs of deep love, which is a flawed perspective.
  • A partner's actual purpose is to challenge you and help you confront and deal with your personal issues ('drive up your shit').
  • Relationships should not be endlessly easy, as this would eliminate the motivation to learn and grow.
  • The bond between partners is akin to the cuteness of babies, serving to make the difficult aspects of the relationship more manageable.
  • Soulmates exist but are not perfect beings who bring endless joy; they are individuals who contribute to our personal development.
  • It is possible to have multiple soulmates throughout life, including family members and friends.
  • A partner can help identify personal gaps that need to be addressed but cannot fill them.

It’s Not Your Partner’s Job To Bring You Happiness

Their role is to challenge you and help you grow

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

Old Disney princess movies have taught us all kinds of wrong things about what love is like and what it’s for. Cultural narratives that stem from that mindset say that your mate should be the only person that you ever have feelings of love or attraction to for the rest of your life. They say that possessiveness and jealousy are an indication of deep feelings, and perhaps worst of all, they say that with your one true love you will find of a place of lasting happiness.

Cue the buzzer! This is all completely wrong!

Your partner’s role in your life is not to make you happy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If you are smart and willing to work at it, you can create a happy life together, but that is only possible if you make the best use of what your partner is actually in your life to do: to provide a learning lab for personal growth.

Your partner's real job is to drive up your shit so that you can learn how to deal with it.

Being in a relationship with your partner(s) will prompt you to deal with old wounds, ask you to get to know yourself more deeply, and give you the opportunity to learn how to be a better human. Think about it — if life and love were endlessly easy and beautiful, there would be no motivation to learn and grow. We’d all sit around like the people in WALL-E, too lethargic to get off of our floating comfort couches.

If you’ve met someone that you feel like you want to spend many years with or even the rest of your life, the warm and fuzzy parts are the numbing agent to help make the hard parts more palatable. It’s the same reason that babies are so cute and lovable. If they weren’t, sticking around for the incredibly difficult parts would be a lot harder.

Some people say that there is no such thing as a soulmate, and they are correct if what you mean by that is a perfect relationship that will complete you and bring you endless joy. Soulmates do exist, but their purpose is to challenge you and help you grow in a kind of safe learning lab. In fact, you might have many soulmates over the course of your life, some of them family members, friends, or other types of platonic relationships. A soulmate is not necessarily a love partner, although they might be.

Once you understand that your love partner is not there to provide you with happiness, you have a better chance of actually having a happier existence. Someone else cannot fill the holes in your life, but your partner can certainly help point to where they are so that you can go to work on them.

Thanks, honey!

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.

Relationships
Love
Happiness
Soulmates
Life
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