Not Everything Is Men’s Fault.
It’s Not Him — It’s You.
Blaming Will Definitely Ruin Your Relationships.
It’s can be sometimes tough being a woman. Women have to fight for the rights that they should have. Women face sexism and inequality on a daily basis.
It’s unfair.
Often many women blame men for their misfortunes.
We can’t keep blaming men for everything. Especially men with who you choose to be in a relationship with.
I know too many women who blame their own partners (and ex-partners)when something goes wrong in their own lives. Truth be told — I was one of them.
I used to blame my partner when I felt like something was out of my control. I hoped that by blaming him, I would feel better and it was just easier than admitting my own responsibilities.
After all, blaming is a very natural human tendency.
When something bad happens we want to figure out whose fault it is. If we manage to pin the fault to someone then perhaps it would become easier for us to accept the misfortune.
And if the fault is someone else — the better.
But believe me, blaming others too often is very toxic behavior and can ruin your relationships for good.
Signs of blame game include:
- You feel resentful towards each other;
- You can’t let go of the past;
- You play tit for tat;
- You label and judge your partner;
- You feel as if your partner is frequently the cause of the problems in your life;
- You make assumptions about your partner without exploring his feelings.
Blaming includes saying things like:
- “You never listen to me!”;
- “You take things too close to your heart…”;
- “You always forget to call me…”
- “You must change or I am walking out!”
- “It’s because of you that we have troubles!”
All these sentences have one thing in common — they are saying “you did this to me/us”.
Sometimes they speak in extremes “never” and “always” which is an exaggeration. It’s not possible that your partner “never” does what you ask, it may happen “sometimes” or “often”.
It’s important to realize at all times that men and women are both equals.
If you tend to blame your partner you are actually thinking “you are wrong and I am right” and “I know better than you”. You are actually undermining your partner.
In that situation, you are putting yourself on the pedestal and making yourself appear all perfect while your partner is far from perfect in your eyes. It’s unfair.
If your partner is so wrong, then why are you in the relationship with them in the first place?
Blaming and judging each other in the relationship is not something we should be doing, right?
So the first step to improving your relationships is being sure to catch yourself when you play the blame game.
“Evaluate before you blame…”
Often we blame in the spur of the moment. Meaning that we feel frustrated, upset or angered and we are not well balanced within ourselves. We aren’t seeing the full picture.
There were times when I was stressed because of various different things that happened to me during the day and I unleashed the frustrations on my partner because of unwashed dishes.
It’s not true that he never washes the dishes — he washes them, but that evening I played the blame game just to get into an argument. Instead, I should have first asked myself: “How do I feel? Are the unwashed dishes a real issue or are they just an excuse?”
That evening it took us two hours to get to the source of the problem and it had nothing to do with the dishes.
“Where are you coming from?”
I’ve learnt to own my experiences, thoughts and feelings. I’ve realized that it’s essential to speak about the frustrations as they arise and not keep them bottled up. Because if you do then one day all these negative emotions will erupt in the most inconvenient moment and because of something unimportant as unwashed dishes, dirty laundry or forgotten items at groceries you will hurt your relationship with your partner.
“Change the way you communicate…”
Once you identified what truly bothers you, you can start communicating with your partner in a more constructive way. For instance, you may want to say something like, “I’m upset because there is a mess in the kitchen” or “I feel frustrated because I don’t think we spend time as we did in past anymore. How do you feel?”
“Share the blame.”
When we are making an “I” statement we can easily fall into the trap of saying something like “I’m upset because you don’t …” Always evaluate what you are saying and practice self-reflection, perhaps you say and do something that upsets your partner too.
You can start by saying “I believe I have been lately assuming a lot, without taking account of your feelings and thoughts about certain things. I would like that to change. I sometimes feel as if…”
Be sure to really own your own experience and take responsibility for things that you may have done wrong. It takes two in a relationship to succeed and to fail. It’s encouraged to share the blame about certain things.
The most important thing is to work together to better things.
“Learn to apologize”
If you’ve said something where you were really blaming the other person, then be sure to apologize to them. Doing so will help bring the two of you closer to each other and improve your relationship.
Instead of being seen as attacking, your partner might understand your feelings of frustration and respond in a way that makes you feel more secure. Instead of withdrawing and being angered he might not be scared of your reaction and come closer towards you — he too may open up his mind about certain things.
In order to break the negative cycle of interaction — change your communication. When talking to your partner think also about your partner’s needs, be gentle and loving not accusatory.
Instead of defending and excusing yourself and hurting each other, open up to receiving and giving love back.
Criticism is a part of love.
Always remember to tell your partner what’s been going on, how you feel about it, and the effort you’re going to make. This will bond you together, and get you on the same team. Once you’re both making an effort, you’re well on your way.
Lack of communication definitely kills the relationships. To communicate it takes two, so if your relationship falls apart — there are always two people to blame.
Not just him.
Thank you for reading.
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