TRANSGENDER
It’s Fine. I’m Fine. This is Fine. I’m Fiiiiiiiiine!
Reflecting on my transition journey this week
WEEK 54 CHECK-IN:
Trans Life Past: Moving again, but I only have 2 sits over the next four months, so WOOT! Nice to settle although this next one is three dogs (one is very old but one is a LARGE energetic puppy) so I’m a little anxious about it. They’ll be fine once they settle though. I have my uni exam this week and then, uni is DONE and I officially have nothing to do except write! Lol.
- Yeah, that anxiety was justified. They have settled a little but omg, when they go off, they all go at once and the bulldog puppy tries to sleep IN my skin and then tramples me in the morning. Their love is painful! Lol. I’m bruised, and sore, and shaking with anxiety. But I’m FIIIIIIIIINE!
- The uni exam happened and was so anti-climactic. Lol. I’d already been at this sit for four very sleepless nights and there was NO WAY I could do the exam here, so I visited an old sit. Remember Pony? It was so good to see her again and have pats and loves and she took the stress away, but when I went in for the exam, I was so tired. Good thing I’d already decided it didn’t matter because I just flew through it and got the hell out. Lol. More time to spend with Pony before I had to go back to the Cerberus. Haha.
- So yeah, officially nothing to do but write?! Trusting that will help the anxiety too. We’re settling into a routine here where they wake me up, eat, then I go have a shower and by the time I come out, they are all asleep again (like now), so I will POWERHOUSE until they wake up again. It gives me a couple of hours. Wonder how much I can achieve? Let’s find out!
Priorities: 1. Physcial movement — 40km (I did 41 this week, so I can pull my shit together)
- FitBit says I did 40km so I’m paying that as damn well close enough! lol.
2. Sitter profile — Start creating my website and draft some starter articles for Adventures in Petsitting
- I did a thing. Still have work to do on the website but the bones are done (external link below).
- I haven’t drafted any starter articles but I’ve planned out a few ongoing article series and article ideas.
3. Voices — publish Un-Hustle and work on Living on Purpose
- Oh yeah, I did that. Well, I’m counting this as a winning week. And all while stressed to the max. Huh! Go me? Lol.
Other Notes:
- I’m too exhausted to have other notes… Haha.
T-Day and Beyond Daily Journal:
Day 373 (Sunday): I’m so very sick of the ‘They/Them is a plural’ argument.
It’s like, one person pulled it out when they were scraping the barrel of insults and then a bunch of other people, rather than, you know, checking, researching, learning, etc, just collectively cried, “Yeah!” Kind of like Trumpism… just sayin’.
Don’t argue English if you haven’t very specifically studied it. Even generalized teachers have used this argument with me, and hunny, no. Just, no. Generalized knowledge makes you good at YOUR job, that’s great, yay for you! But don’t argue your general knowledge against someone with specialized knowledge which makes them good at THEIR job. You know, like arguing English grammar and semantics with a writer who has a Master’s degree in… WRITING! lol.
Basically, don’t argue English if you haven’t studied it linguistically.
But they/them? Like, hell! Google is free. It’s not that hard. Oh, except Merriam-Webster because somehow, they still managed to fuck it up a bit! Lol.
End rant…
Day 374 (Monday): Wait! Did my jaw always look like that?
I did a double-take at my reflection because my jawline looks like it has changed. My whole journey on T has been a whole heap of ‘nothing has changed’ punctuated with moments of, ‘when the F did that happen?’
I don’t have that fully chiseled jaw thing going on, but it looks like UNDER my jaw has re-shaped and hollowed. Like, is that fat distribution doing its magic too?
Whatever. I like it!
Day 375 (Tuesday): Transphobe — Byeeeeeee!
One of the things I love most about Medium is that they actually take ‘reports’ and violations seriously. The platform is not without its trolls but it’s not like the social media platforms where they all come out at once. No, on here, one wank stain will somehow find a story, or a comment, and leave some pointless crap that makes no sense anyway. I don’t get into arguments. Just roll my eyes, check their profile, and report them. Why do I check their profile? Because 95% of the time, it’s a new profile, or they’ve never posted their own article. Which means, yeah, they are a keyboard warrior. If they are new, there’s a good chance they’ve already had another account banned. What I love about Medium is that they see that too. I feel very safe here. As long as that continues, this will absolutely be my platform of choice!
Sidenote: My favorite form of troll is the one that is ‘formally educated’. They are so angry at everyone else for not being ‘as smart as them’, when in fact, they are just so scared of being found out because they are a complete dumb ass. Lol. You know the ones — they use big words with the intention of muddying their meaning so that YOU feel dumb. THEY need to feel like they are the smartest one in the room…
“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.” — attributed to Albert Eisnstein.
Day 376 (Wednesday): Oops I think I did it again — I finished a thing, and published a book.
Un-Hustle! Three out of four books in the Living on Purpose series (external Amazon link) are now live. WOOT! Un-Hustle is about… well… fucking the hustle, haha. My neurodivergent gay-trans creative enby ass couldn’t handle that neurotypical heteronormative business rhetoric even before I knew my ass was neurodivergent… gay… trans… or non-binary. Lol. As with Human Concept and Say No and Be OK with It, I’ve changed and grown a ridiculous amount since I wrote this (very pre-egg-crack). This time though, I DID make some slight changes to a couple of things that were just TOO far misaligned and, quite honestly, kind of contradictory to the un-hustle message. Not much though because as with the others, the messages in here hold strength for where I was at the time and for those who are there now. I needed to go through what I learned in the writing of Un-Hustle to GET HERE!
Note: below link is an external Amazon page and yeah, if you buy it, I get monies. I like monies because then I can buy food and T (which are really the only things I need right now, lol).
And now, the final book in the series. Path to Purpose: Find Your Passion. THIS one is going to be interesting since my current existentially ambivalent stance is that the concept of purpose is sleeves. Lol.
Day 377 (Thursday): And uni is doneskies!
Woo hoo! Finished. Thank fuck for that, lol. Boxes are ticked and the next phase is planned and ready for play. This degree served its purpose well, but it's time to put that last piece of my old existence firmly in the rearview mirror.
Day 378 (Friday): There was a Friday?
Oops, must have missed it! Lol.
Day 379 (Saturday): There is no way in hell I could have handled my current sit pre-T. I can barely handle it now!
I will never, ever, apply for a sit with three dogs again! Even if one IS old and quiet. Less than a week in and I’ve never been SO STRESSED on a sit nor have I seriously considered options for ending it early. Yes, considering options, because no matter what, I’m not walking away. It’s not the dogs’ fault they are super needy and overbearing. The fact is, I should have trusted my instincts to NOT apply in the first place. Then, I should have trusted my instincts when I met the dogs, but, by that time, the homeowners were ready to travel for 9 weeks (yes… 9 weeks) and I knew it would be a big ask for them to find another sitter. But I REALLY should have trusted my instincts when I found out their two daughters who live there are staying in an AirBnB rather than looking after the dogs because they are too much. But, by then, I was a few days out. Well, fuck!!! There might have also been the fact that both daughters were trans that stopped me from canceling, but fuck me, I wish I could turn back time and not apply. The fact is, I KNEW this sit was too much for me (specifically for ONE person no matter who they are), and I still went ahead with it. That’s on me but unfortunately, it’s a lesson that I’ll be paying the price for for another 60 nights (not that I’m counting — I totally am). In the words of Fall Out Boy:
If I can live through this. I can do anything!
But, the question is… do I WANT to live through this? Yeah, stress levels, man! Again though, not the dogs’ fault. Not even the homeowners. They CAN give the three the attention they have learned to crave. I’m… struggling because it’s just me. THAT is where this went wrong.
This Week’s Articles:
And on to WEEK 55:
Trans Life Ahead: Survive. Write. Meditate (becasue I need to keep my stress in check). Walk/run/exercise (burn off the stress hormones). Just make it through one more week. Hopefully, the kids will chill WITH me and we’ll all be fine (but for reals, not the meme, lol).
Priorities: 1. Path to Purpose — edit, voice check, format, and publish 2. NUSA excavation — gathering all my NUSA scenes, insights, ideas, etc. into ONE place 3. Sugar Twink — first pass edit
Dose: 3 Pumps/day (37.5mg)