TRANSGENDER
I’m Walking on Sunshine (Sorry, Sunshine, I Didn’t See You There)
Reflecting on my transition journey this week
WEEK 51 CHECK-IN:
Trans Life Past: Another move, another kittie. Huh, I don’t know what to write. That’s weird. Well, more like, I don’t know what I need to think about this week. So, I’m just going to let the chips fall as they may. Feeling T chilled!
- New kittie, Plato, is a huge fluffball of mischief and adorable. But like, fluffball! Pretty sure I’m taking two clones of him with me on my clothes when I leave on Monday, lol.
- This is the first week of combining the daily posts into the weekly post. Let me know if you like it better or prefer it the other way. Would I change it based on your response? Good question. Shrug. Lol.
- So how did those chips fall? Wow, it’s been a week? I feel like I did a lot this week, but also, nothing.
- Oh, I published Human Concept — see day 356 below (or click here, but remember to come back, haha).
- I booked myself an epic birthday weekend as a gift to myself. My 1st T-Day birthday (1 year on T) and my meat sack birthday are only six days apart. Plus, the sit I had booked that covered that the time canceled and although I re-filled MOST dates, it just so happens that I still had my meat sack birthday and one day either side open. So, FUCK IT! I booked a 4-star hotel on the beach and tickets to the Head First Acrobats show, GODZ, at the Melbourne Fringe Festival. Check out the video below (note: this is an external Youtube link, if you can’t tell, lol).
- I also plan on hitting up some of the free Fringe Festival events and doing the Solar System Trail walk in Melbourne because I am just THAT much of a space nerd :D (external link below)
Priorities: 1. Walking adventures — 30km+
- Checks the Fitbit… This week I’ve done 36km. Nice!
2. Listen to the voices….
- Published Human Concept, so that’s a win!
3. Back it ALL up!
- Well shit, I knew I forgot something. Lol.
Physical Changes:
- I am loving how hard the muscles in my legs are feeling. I’m not so smooshy anymore!
- Do I dare say I feel chest muscles? I’ve been thinking more about top surgery this week. I said from the start that I wouldn’t even consider it until I’d been on T for a year. That was mainly because I wanted to see what my body would do to both minimize any potential surgery and maximize recovery speed. I’m lucky in that I’ve never been more than a D cup and that’s when I was at my heaviest. I knew that the impact of a bit of weight loss and muscle growth would be very important FOR ME in how I proceeded. Feeling muscle is very motivating!
T-Day and Beyond Daily Journal:
Day 352 (Sunday):
What if rain was primarily testosterone and estrogen and the levels varied based on like, time of year, location, even the cloud types? So ‘sex’ beyond birth would depend on your exposure to rain. It wouldn’t change your personal gender, of course, but you would NEVER be able to tell someone’s ‘sex’ by looking at them. Maybe, some would choose to express their gender but many probably wouldn’t, because, there would be no more sex/gender assumptions.
Everyone would be presumed genderless until specified and no one at all would care about ‘sex’ because it would be such an obsolete way of labeling.
I think I like this world!
I think I need to write this story. COPYRIGHT OWNED! Lol.
Day 353 (Monday):
Charities are missing out on my money because they are only offering binary gender choices.
I went to sign up for the Wings for Life World Run next year… and there were only binary gender options. Now, ok, I understand their logic because it is a race and they rank people based on those two genders, but the world has evolved, man! The thing that bugged me most though was that when I went to send them an email to at least bring their attention to it, the contact form asked for a binary gender. Wait, I need to share my gender to ask a question but only if I fit into the binary? Otherwise, they clearly don’t want my question. Sigh! I guess the world hasn’t changed as much as I hoped, yet.
Day 354 (Tuesday):
Turning up to a sit that doesn’t have coffee is like going to a pharmacy and being told they don’t have your prescription. Without coffee, my brain is fumbling over itself to make a coherent thought. No, I don’t need coffee to ‘wake me up’ or ‘get me started’. I am very much a morning person and I need coffee to slow the fuck down so that I can make sense — even to myself. So, I was off walking to the local shopping center (mall for those of you from over the waters, lol) and it was so early that when I got there, most shops weren’t even open yet. But, you gotta do what you gotta do — because COFFEE!!! Of course, I couldn’t wait to get ‘home’ so I had to order one too, lol. But prior to coffee, impulse purchases happened. But at least now I have more clothes including a pride rainbow t-shirt (total win!). Of course, I live out of a suitcase so now I have to throw other clothes out to make the new ones fit in. Oh well… Shrug! It also meant I didn’t get my T on until later than normal because I figured, walk first (I did 6 km), then shower. But when I DID get to gelling up, damn, my thigh muscles were like, BAM!
The moral of the story is: No coffee = Gender euphoria. Or something.
Day 355 (Wednesday):
Did the Uber driver NOT help when he arrived because he thought I was a dude? And then help me when he dropped me off because he thought I was a chick? I mean, he’s wrong either way, but I thought it really odd that when he picked me up (and I was wearing a mask, sunnies, and a hoodie), he didn’t get out of the car.
So, this turned into its own post. Lol. 450 words in I was like, wait, stop. Cut, paste. Here’s the link to the full article:
Day 356 (Thursday):
OMG, FINALLY! This happened (external amazon link below):
Book one, tick! Book two, ‘Say No and Be Okay with It’, on its way.
A note for YOU, my reader. This book was written a few years ago. I’ve given it a fresh new cover and a quick once over but in all honesty, I’ve grown beyond a few of the things I mention. But that’s OK, because this book was written when I was where I was at the time (very PRE-egg crack!) and it will connect with the right people — maybe you (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, haha). The overall concepts though are still very much solid AF. I just mean there may be some very life-coachy type lines that now make me cringe. I learned A LOT while writing it and a crap ton of scientific research went into it.
Human Concept: The Science of Awareness was born from my absolute love of astrophysics AND of metaphysics. Now, some will say the two are unrelated, but as I talk about IN THIS BOOK (haha), we don’t know what we don’t know. Knowledge is expansion — and that right there is the first step towards the connection. So yeah, I wrote this book to ‘prove’ that what some people call woo-woo, has been studied and backed by science! Collective consciousness is so my jam, lol. Oh, and, you know how they say that science can’t prove that god exists? Well, I kind of use science to prove that god DOES exist, but not as some almighty dude of rules and judgment. So, fair warning extreme religious peeps (and I’m specifically speaking to those of that closed-minded attitude that theirs is the ONLY right religion and a much longer book, which has been misinterpreted and reinterpreted to serve many false-gods *because come on!*, must be taken as truth and law and they have deemed themselves the righteous disciples who shall decide who does and does not follow said truth and law and shall punish the evildoers with their special Christian Love because they love you but can’t dare associate with you for fear of themselves being deemed unworthy of that spiteful and tyrannical God’s approval, though let’s face it, those people aren’t reading this *and breath*), you might not like my conclusion! Lol. Sorry, NOT sorry!
Anyway, it’s a pretty cool book if I do say so myself. And I do! Haha.
Day 357 (Friday):
WARNING: I’m probs just reading into things again, but still, it’s an interesting thought journey.
So, I was in the line at Aldi. They announced another checkout opening so I moved over behind a male presenting person. I was looking at the paw paw tubes seeing if they had my fav one with macadamia oil so was facing away as the quite cute checkout person walked past. So, my back was turned and I was wearing a black loose hoodie and my red beanie.
“Hey guys, how you doing?” they said as they passed. Now, ‘guys’ is a very gender-neutral term, especially here in Australia, so I didn’t register anything at that point. They were talking to the customer in front of me and were quite animated and cheerful.
When it was my turn, I said, “Hey, how you doing?” and… well, they were quiet. I’d like to think they were a dash of gay AF and totally flustered by my awesome presence but it was odd. They did their job, but that’s it. As I left, I heard them perk up when talking to the person behind me. WT actual F?
It wasn’t until I was outside, curiosity replaying the strange scenario, that I wondered. Is it just possible that the poor thing was confused and was worried they’d offended me? Could they have used ‘guys’ in the gendered term thinking I was a dude and then, seeing me front on and hearing me, thinking I was a she, felt bad for misgendering me (even though really, they did both times, but I preferred the first, lol) and became confused or even embarrassed?
I imagine from behind, my form must look pretty dude-like now. Anyway. if it was confusion, then GENDER WIN! lol.
Reading into things, or fishing for gender euphoria? If I get the gender euphoria, does it even really matter how?
Day 358 (Saturday):
Why do we say to ourselves, “I should have known?”
Known what? How can we possibly know what we don’t know? By the very virtue of not knowing, be just CAN’T know. Like, that’s the whole point of not knowing something. And yet, we beat ourselves up:
I should have known the answer I should have known they would do that I should have known that would happen I should have known ‘better’
But we didn’t. Stop. Take that in. WE DIDN’T. WE COULDN’T. When we say we should have known, anything, all we are doing is blaming our past selves for not knowing something we know now.
We are not born all-knowing. Actually, let me rephrase that! We ARE born all-knowing in the deepest sense of what they means, but we aren’t born knowing everything that has been learned in the physical form. From the moment we are born, we are taught to understand the world as it has been constructed. We are taught by those who were taught before us. We learn one thing at a time. So when was it that we were supposed to know everything? It’s not even possible. Because that would mean we have no growth left. And if we have nothing else to learn, no more growing to do, well, there’s only one new experience left!
Thank you for coming to my TedX talk — haha.
This Week’s Articles:
And on to WEEK 52:
Trans Life Ahead: Moving again on Monday but I’ll be nice and close to the city in a cute little apartment. I’m not looking forward to dragging my suitcase up three flights of stairs but let’s call it a ‘T-Test’ and no, not the kind you do in statistics — ew. Lol. I need to get my ass in for another blood test. UGH!
Priorities: 1. Walking adventures — 40km+ 2. Listen to the voices — Publish Say No and Be Okay with It 3. Prepping for Preptober — Excavate NUSA and record the preptober podcast
Dose: 3 Pumps/day (37.5mg)