It Was Really Foolish to Ever Think My Husband Would Change

I was listening to the marriage counselor and I found it hard

I can’t lie.

I went to marriage counseling for the same reason most people do. My husband was the problem. Not me. And a professional was going to point that out. Problem solved.

I was all in for marriage counseling.

But I was foolish to ever think my husband would change.

You’ll discover why as you read the rest of this story.

One day, a few years into marriage counseling, I was still struggling to save my marriage. I was making many of the same mistakes. I was repeating patterns of behavior that were getting me into trouble.

My family worried about my situation.

My husband had begun drinking too much and it was creating upset and unpredictability.

“You’ve been in counseling for a while,” says my sister.

“I know,” I say.

“How come you keep doing the same things?” she says.

“Here’s the thing,” I say. “I get it. I know what I have been taught about myself. I am a pleaser and a fixer. I am an enabler who tolerates bad behavior and then makes excuses for the one I love.”

“Okay,” says my sister. “So why are you still doing it?”

“It’s not that I’m not trying,” I say. “For that whole hour with our marriage counselor, I am all in. I have great respect for him. He’s a psychologist. I realize he’s not only accurately teaching me about myself but I understand he’s trying to help me grow and evolve.”

“Okay,” says my sister.

“But then I come home,” I say. “And I revert back to some of my tendencies. Because I’ve been this person my whole life. I’ve spent 40 years being a pleaser and a fixer and an enabler.”

My sister’s question was a good one.

It was a natural one to ask of someone who has spent several years in counseling.

I was learning about myself. I was learning about my husband because he went for the first eight months. I was interested in personal growth and evolution.

I had a great desire for self-improvement.

But again, I had been this person my entire life.

It wasn’t proving to be that easy.

A lot of behaviors are engrained in us. A lot of them stem from our family of origin. In a lot of families, people assume roles. The golden child, the pleaser, etc.

In the healthiest of families, they don’t necessarily do this.

But most families aren’t perfect.

I had married a Golden Boy.

In counseling one day, my therapist explained that because of that family of origin it’s not uncommon to go out into the world and attract yourself to someone who enables you to continue playing that role.

Aka, the ‘Pleaser and Fixer’ had attracted herself to ‘The Golden Boy.’

And ‘The Golden Boy’ attracted himself to the ‘Pleaser and Fixer.’

In other words, ‘The Golden Boy’ was used to the world (the family) revolving around him. He could come and go as he pleased and little was asked of him. He was placed on a pedestal.

The ‘Pleaser and Fixer’ would make sure of this. They would keep the peace and pick up the slack of ‘The Golden Boy.’ They would ensure that ‘The Golden Boy’ was happy and that the world (the family) continued to revolve around him.

It worked for my husband and I.

It was familiar to us.

Until I no longer wanted to play that role.

Even so, I was still that girl. I wanted to make things right. I wanted marriage counseling to help us grow individually and as a couple. I just wanted my husband to realize I now had some degree of boundaries.

But it was never going to work.

Not only because he wasn’t interested in personal growth.

Because it was hard for me even when I wanted it so badly.

I am only now beginning to feel as if I have not only abandoned my husband (thank goodness for divorce) but some of those innate behaviors.

It’s a relief to not feel the need to fix, please, or rescue any longer.

Believe me, I’m not saying I’m completely over it.

But I have dramatically evolved.

It’s a huge relief.

Because they weren’t healthy behaviors. It made me remain with a diagnosed empathy-lacking narcissist who chose to start drinking too much when I told him I was unhappy enough to leave him.

Technically, you could say those things did mean my husband was the problem.

But it didn’t mean I wasn’t a participating player.

As my marriage counselor once said, “Your husband is who he is. But you made every choice and decision to continue to tolerate that and remain with him.”

He said these words for two reasons.

The former to validate what I had been through.

The latter so as to begin to empower me.

My counselor was attempting to help me heal and give me the strength to know I could be in control of my own life. Which at this point, felt terribly out of control by my husband’s outrageous behavior.

I wanted my husband to grow and evolve.

I begged him to care enough to save our relationship.

But here’s the thing.

As I now always say, “True and authentic change comes when a person arrives at self-discovery. Not when you beg them to.”

And even then, I can attest to the difficulty of that growth.

Despite how healthy and rewarding it now feels.