Is Vampiric Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Actually An Adaptive Form of the Illness? The Muppets Count von Count Speaks Out.

An Interview With the Muppets Count von Count by the The Nosy Inquirer

With increased knowledge about mental health disorders, the importance genetics plays in their development has become clear. It has long been recognized that certain disorders tend to run in families, for example, Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Autism, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Schizophrenia. Family studies indicate that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) also has a significant genetic component as relatives of individuals with OCD are four times more likely to develop the disorder than those without such a history.

This being said though, there is not 100 percent correlation between having a mental health issue if one of your relatives has it. And sometimes the relationship isn’t specific to type, meaning if a relative has an anxiety disorder you are more likely to also have one, but not necessarily the same type. In fact, there are no known mental disorders that have 100 percent heritability rates.

At least until now. We sat down with the Muppets Count von Count, at the Sanguine Claret Cafe to talk with him about his difficulties with compulsive counting, learning a number of surprising facts never before revealed about OCD and vampires.

“Thank you for speaking with us about what must be a highly private matter, Count von Count.”

“You are quite welcome. While the matter is a private one, I think it is time for it to be talked about.”

“If I may ask, why now? You’ve had the disorder for . . . ?

“Well, I was born with it and I’m currently 480 years old. As for why now, there are a couple of reasons. First, with all of the movies and books in recent years about vampires the number of things they have gotten wrong or just completely made up is embarrassing. I mean, that whole Twilight sparkling bit alone was humiliating. Made us out to look like a punch of ‘My Little Unicorns’ or something.”

“Then you don’t actually sparkle?”

“Oh for goodness sake, do you see any sparkling going on around here? Just because we can get in weak sunlight doesn’t mean everything about vampires can be thrown out and replaced with nonsense! Then the other side of things makes us out to be killing machines who actually eat people! We don’t eat people! It’s zombies who eat people.”

“I apologize if I said the wrong thing. But I understand that the way your kind have been portrayed hasn’t been accurate. But that leads me back to my first question. If you are so concerned with your image, why admit to having a mental disorder?

“Well, because as I see it, it actually has positive qualities.”

“Before we get into those, could you explain what you have and if you can, how you got it?”

“Certainly. I have Vampiric Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or as it is otherwise known, Vampire Counting Sickness. As for how I got it, that’s simple. We all have it. Whenever a new vampire is made, we take on certain genetic qualities of our maker. It’s been determined we all have a special gene that isn’t found in any other group that seems to control our need to count.”

“Then it’s believed to be 100% genetic?”

“Yes, that is the case.”

“How is it different from the more common type of OCD?”

“I think the primary difference is that regular OCD causes the person who has it great suffering, to the point that it sometimes gets in the way of them being able to lead a normal life. With V-OCD, it is something that causes us great joy and also has adaptive qualities that protects both us and others from us.”

“You say it causes great joy?”

“Let me show you. Waiter, could you bring a small amount of uncooked rice?”

“Rice? I can’t say I’ve ever heard of any association between rice and OCD.”

“Well, not regular OCD. Ah, here we go. Now take a little bit just throw it on the table.”

“Like this?”

“Ah, ha, ha! One grain of rice, two grains, three grains, four grains of rice, ah, ha, ha! Five, six seven grains of rice. . . “

This went on for several minutes until he reached the last grain.

“111, 111 grains of rice!”

He was clearly excited, and while his skin may not have been sparkling, his eyes certainly were.

“So, you like to count and. . . “

“No! I love to count! I count light bulbs in the chandelier, one, two, three, four, Four light bulbs in the chandelier! And plants in the room, one, two, three, four, five, Five plants in the room! Even the centerpiece, One, One centerpiece, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

His joy was infectious and I couldn’t help but laugh along with him. “So, can you explain the connection between counting and being a vampire?”

“Yes, vampires can’t resist counting everything we see. I even count my cat, One, One Cat! Ah, ha, ha!”

“I see. But you said it was somehow adaptive? A good thing?”

“Yes. Given that there’s nowhere you can go without there being things to count, we can’t maintain our attention on any one thing too long. That means that when we feed from someone, it’s going to be time limited so we can’t actually kill anyone without really intending to. So for those of us who would never hurt anyone intentionally, it prevents us from doing so.”

“I see. That is a very good thing.”

“People have learned to scatter mustard seeds along the entrance way to their homes. By the time we finish counting them it’s close to daylight and unless it’s a really dim day, we’ll want to get out the sunlight. Plus, it has always managed to give us job security.”

“Job security? How could it possibly give you job security?”

The Counts eyes began to sparkle again. “Who do you think teaches all the children how to count in school?”

“Wait, so vampires . . . “

“. . . teach preschool and kindergarten. Except for those of us who are lucky enough to teach counting on t.v. I’ll bet you were taught by a vampire.”

“Oh, I’m sure my preschool teacher wasn’t a vampire. Ms. Leslie was a very normal, person, who brought her lunch in a brown paper bag every day.”

“Leslie Barron? Petite? Blond hair blue eyes?”

“Why yes. You know her?”

“Sure do. Distant cousin, in fact. Her name’s actually Leslie Von Barron. And yes, she’s a vampire.”

I couldn’t believe it! My preschool teacher had been a vampire! I’d learned to count in record time with all of the other children in my class. Ms. Leslie had been so enthusiastic, she made all of us enthusiastic as well.

I had a number of other questions to ask the Count but unfortunately, there wasn’t time. Someone passing by bumped into the table and spilled the salt. He was still counting it, grain by grain, when it was time for me to get back to the office. I waved goodbye, and thanked the Count for his time. He didn’t stop counting but managed a hurried goodbye, adding, “Nice to meet you,” even while still counting.

As I left the restaurant, his joyous laugh followed, “4057 grains, 4058 grains, 4059 grains of salt, ah, ha, ha. . . !”

It was contagious. I laughed and found myself smiling all the way back to work.

If you enjoyed reading this story, you might like these also:

You can find links to my other work on Medium and follow me here. Thanks for reading!