Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II Warns Citizens of the Former United States: Stop Celebrating July 4th Immediately or Face Charges

On a matter of the utmost urgency, specifically the failure to adhere to laws set forth after the recent revocation of independence by celebrating July 4th.

In a predawn broadcast, Queen Elizabeth II demanded that citizens of the former U.S. complied with the laws set forth when their independence was revoked or face life in prison for committing High Treason. The text of the address is as follows:

Royal Announcer: Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and the former United States of America, Head of The Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: To the citizens of the former United States of America. You were informed on November 8, 2016 of the revocation of your independence and the immediate restoration of the monarchy. On that day, the U.S. and all of its commonwealths, with the exception of Illinois which I find too cold, and unpleasant and having too large a criminal element to rectify in a cost effective manner, became once again, a part of what is now called the United Kingdom of Great Britain, and Northern Ireland and the former United States of America. You were provided with the laws and expectations you would be required to follow from that point forward.

It has become clear that you are happy to accept our help in ousting the incompetent governance you elected for yourselves, not the first incompetent government you chose. You are also quite willing to have us assume all of your financial debt including a national debt of 17.5 trillion pounds (or $22 trillion for those of you still inept in understanding your new monetary system). Yet, you continue to refuse to follow the law of the land.

While this was not entirely unexpected, be advised that it will not be tolerated. As such, July 4th seems to be an appropriate day for making certain you understand the consequences of your actions. It is time for you to recognize that while this two-hundred-and-forty-three year experiment in attempted self governance may have begun with the best of intentions, it clearly has not been successful.

We have gone above and beyond in trying to make this reunion as easy as possible. Despite there being absolutely no requirement that we negotiate or do anything except establish the law which you are required to follow, we have none-the-less negotiated in good faith.

We responded to your obvious concerns regarding Brexit, which we became aware of when you tar and feathered Therese May, our representative sent to ease the transition. As such we have eliminated the British parliamentary system from the arrangement and established that you would be ruled solely by the Monarchy.

We removed the requirement that you would learn to make real chips, instead allowing you to continue making your French Fries although due to Britain’s rather complicated history with France, they will be required to be called English Fries. You may continue to call crisps potato chips if you must. We will attribute these culinary differences to regional idiosyncrasies.

But be advised that holding on to your other offensive customs will not help you improve your reputation with the rest of the world, and that is something that will have to be addressed in coming days. We will not have a part of our nation looked down upon for such things as allowing your youth to wear their pants so low that part of their intergluteal cleft is displayed or your tendency to switch hands back and forth when you cut your food with a knife.

Yet these are all relatively minor offenses, compared with what you have done today. You were informed that July 4th was no longer a holiday, and celebrating it in any fashion would be dealt with in the harshest manner possible. You accepted myself as monarch and took an Oath of Allegiance to me and all of my heirs and successors.

Although you were well informed of all of our laws, I will rule with leniency in this one time, as I will assume that you were not clear on the details of the laws and the consequences of breaking them.

July 4th, celebrates your previous state of independence brought about through war, bloodshed and the death of numerous British citizens on both sides (though this is yet another inaccuracy as your Declaration of Independence was not signed until August 2nd).

Now in truth, just so you know the true state of affairs, we allowed you to win that war, pulling out of it at the end because, quite honestly, you were simply too much trouble to deal with. And you have shown that this trait is one you were intent upon keeping throughout the last 243 years. But this time around be well advised, we will not accept this state of affairs any longer!

Let me be perfectly clear — celebrating July 4th is an act of High Treason, which is defined as any act that goes against the Monarchy. It is hard to imagine something you could do that would be a more serious offense against the Crown than this. This crime is punishable by life in prison.

As we do not have the facilities to house so many people, we would prefer not to have to arrest all of you who are partaking in revelry to celebrate this day. However, we can manage it if need be, although you will be in terribly, overcrowded conditions until new facilities can be built.

The cost of these facilities will also fall entirely to you as it is unfair to burden all of my subjects when you are the only ones who have committed the crime. And before you even consider it, be well aware that we will also not permit any disruptions along the lines of protests regarding, “Taxation without representation.” You are part of a monarchy now. You do not have any right to representation.

In order to prevent a large segment of your population from being jailed for life and the hardships this will result in, you will immediately cease and desist from continuing to celebrate this day!

As you are undoubtedly aware by now, we have dispatched a large Peace Keeping force (we thought that calling them that would make their presence easier to accept as it is your own term), who will police the land. Anyone found to be celebrating this day in any way will be immediately arrested and held until it can be determined where they will be jailed.

Please do not make us do this, as we want an amicable relationship with all of our subjects, even the ones who are descendants of those that once betrayed us. May God bless our nation, one and all.

Royal Announcer: God Save the Queen!

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