avatarAdelina Vasile

Summary

The author argues that love is not merely a feeling but a series of deliberate choices and actions that sustain and grow a relationship over time.

Abstract

The article "Is Love Something You Can Choose?" presents a reflective exploration of the nature of love. The author initially perceived love as an uncontrollable feeling but later came to understand it as a choice through personal experiences, including parenthood and marriage. The piece suggests that mature love in a relationship is a commitment upheld by continuous decisions to appreciate and invest in the other person, rather than being solely driven by spontaneous emotions. The author emphasizes that love starts with a feeling but endures through conscious choices and practices, likening it to a skill that requires development.

Opinions

  • Love is often initially seen as an involuntary feeling, but the author suggests it is more accurately a deliberate choice in adulthood.
  • The author believes that love requires effort and action, contrasting with the romanticized notion that love is effortless and ever-present once felt.
  • The article posits that love's sustainability depends on the choices made, such as appreciating a partner's strengths, coping with their flaws, and remembering the reasons for the relationship.
  • The author differentiates between the thrill of falling in love and the work required to maintain love, suggesting the latter is less discussed and yet crucial.
  • Love is compared to a skill that can be practiced and improved, implying that it can also diminish if not intentionally nurtured.
  • The author refers to John KIM's perspective from Psychology Today, aligning with the idea that love is not just a spontaneous emotion but a conscious commitment.
  • The piece encourages readers to consider love as a deliberate practice, rather than a passive feeling or an inevitable choice, to be engaged with regularly.

Is Love Something You Can Choose?

I used to think love was a feeling. Then, I made it a choice. I was surprised to discover it’s none of these!

Photo by Hunter Matthews on Unsplash

Marty took me by surprise when he commented on my article about the one thing more important in parenting than what you say or do, with this simple question — “Is love something a person can choose?”

My initial reaction was — What? What do you mean?

But then I reminded myself that back in the days when I was younger and used to have this ideal picture about love in my mind, I would think that love is a feeling. And like all your other feelings, it can only be perceived, not summoned. Romanticizing love is something I was “guilty of” at some point in my life.

Yet, I am at a different point in my life now. I’ve grown out another human being from my belly. And I chose to marry the man who held my face in his wide, rough, and strangely soft palms, telling me, “Let me love you.” So, I could only bring myself to answer Marty the:

Absolutely, Marty! :) I honestly believe that love is deliberate in the real world of grown-ups, and it takes concentrated action. Love is a lot more than a feeling. It's a continual choice, action, and promise of commitment to another. Love is all about choices.

But I need to stress — I was talking about loving through a relationship, not loving into a relationship.

Why people ask if love is a choice or a feeling

I’m not sure if you’ve ever given this a good thought — but how many “good” love stories have you read that focused on keeping love alive? How many of them were about falling in love? And how many were about falling out of love? From all the three main directions one could choose to talk about love, the first one is the least enticing.

We all want to hear about the first thrills. Or about that time when you realized the thrill is gone. How about all those moments in between when you chose to work and make love… work?

If you’re only focusing on how it starts and how it ends, I can see why you might be tempted to call it a feeling. If you choose to focus on how it grows and evolves, perhaps that you, too, will be able to call it a choice. What it’s going to be?

To some of us, it happens one day. To others, it happens in one second. You realize you’re in love with someone. Thus, love begins. Because, truthfully, you can’t be in love without loving that other person, right?

Then, on some other day or some other second of your life, you’re hit by the harsh truth that the love is gone. Thus, love has ended. Because, truthfully, you cannot stop feeling love and still be… in love, right?

Then again, there are still many of us out there who can’t really pinpoint that moment in time when their love has begun or ended. It wasn’t something that flicked on. It was something they woke up one day with, not knowing exactly how, when, or even why it happened.

But regardless of its time accuracy, love begins with feeling it and ends with not feeling it. Does this have to make love a feeling? Does it mean it’s something of which you have no choice whatsoever? Not if you fill in the dots.

The dots between in and out of love are a stream of choices

And if you ask me, that’s what makes love a choice.

The reason why you may not think of it this way is that, at some point, you might have taken love for a granted feeling.

Slowly, you stopped making efforts to appreciate your partner’s strengths and learn to cope with their flaws.

You stopped remembering why you loved in the first place, why you chose to stay when you could have left, why you chose to invest your feelings, your irreclaimable time, your life into it.

You haven’t invested all that into a feeling. You have invested it into a person. And you weren’t helpless or choiceless at all in that process. Were you?

John KIM, aka The Angry Therapist from Psychology Today, argues that love is a choice in this article that I strongly resonate with:

“I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.”

Starts with a feeling. Thrives from choices. The direction?

If love starts as a feeling and thrives from your choices, where does it lead you to love and choose love as often as you can? From what I know, repeated practice leads to developing skills. There’s a huge realization in this.

If you make love only a feeling, you’ll feel terrible the first day when you realize you no longer feel quite as you did in the beginning. But just because your feelings aren’t as intense all the time doesn’t mean they’re gone. Confused? It’s like loving your child to pieces but feeling the need to have some time alone on some days. Just because you don’t feel like being with him all the time doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore.

If you make love only a choice, you’ll feel terrible the first day you might choose to do something that the other person labels as proof of non-love. Confused? It’s like loving your child but being judged as a non-loving parent for choosing to go on a vacation only with your partner while leaving the child at home. Just because you choose what others think differently doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore.

While love begins as a feeling and needs repeated actions (that you choose) to grow, it’s still about practice. So, you might as well call it a skill you need to work on. You need to if you want to keep it.

Love shouldn’t be labeled as either a feeling or a choice. Let’s make love a skill that we work on, deliberately and regularly. Shall we?

Make love something you can choose to practice every day.

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